One.. foot.. at.. a time..

[ParadoxicalAnomaly]

There's a word in the dictionary that is the sum of all the equations and the variables that equates to my life.. "acquiescence". by technical definition it means to describe when someone goes along with a plan or decision, even if they aren't fully on board. It can range from yielding to pressure to just letting things happen to avoid conflict but for me I see it as the idea of "finding peace" or "resting" in a situation by simply accepting it without protest.

You see... I was born and raised in a culture where the boundaries between discipline and abuse is a thin grey line on a white piece of paper blotched with black ink.. all the bruises.. the broken bones.. and all the pain endured was justified by showers of affection afterwards and a statement that suggests that "it's for my own good" because it's the only way to show that they truly love me.

Looking back in hindsight I often ask why?... I was a child who was discovering the world around me and instead of exploration... I was caged and imprisoned... I was not allowed to associate I wasn't allowed to asked questions... the only thing I was allowed to do was to accept and be grateful that I exist and as long as I keep my mouth shut and keep my eyes down everything will be okay but as I grew older things didn't get easier... everyday was constant conflicts and contradictions in my head because in school they teach you to speak out but at home I'm forced in silence... "you're supposed to make friends in school" I wanted to but how could I? I was conditioned to close my mouth whenever I felt the need to speak and stuttering made it even worse so I basically just kept my mouth shut and somewhere along the way, the silence stopped being a cage and started feeling like a second skin. That's the part nobody warns you about. They tell you that isolation hurts and it does... at first but after a while... the ache becomes a kind of companion. It doesn't ask anything of you. It doesn't expect you to speak without stuttering... to smile on command... to perform gratitude like a trained animal. The emptiness is quiet.. and quiet is the only thing I was ever taught to do well.

I read somewhere that people who grow up in chaos often mistake peace for boredom. I think I've done the opposite. I've mistaken numbness for peace. Acquiescence, remember? That word I clung to like a life raft. I thought I'd found some enlightened form of acceptance but really I just stopped fighting. I stopped wanting. Wanting was dangerous because it led to questions and questions led to explanations and explanations always... always circled back to why I was the problem.

So I learned to stop circling.

I remember the first time I stared into the mirror and felt nothing. Not disgust... not sadness... not even that hollow self-pity that teenagers wear like a badge. Just... a quiet recognition. Like meeting someone you've heard about your whole life and finally understanding they're real. That face in the glass was me and he looked so tired but not the kind of tired sleep fixes.. it's he kind that settles into your bones and makes a home there. And the strangest part? I smiled at him... not a real smile.. those require a reason but rather the reflex of someone who's been conditioned to appear okay. Muscle memory? I guess?... almost like a mask so old it's fused to the skin.

I think that's when the idea of falling into darkness or the abyss stopped being something I was afraid of and started looking like a destination. Not in a dramatic, "I want to die" sort of way. I wasn't suicidal. I was just... ready. Ready for the quiet to swallow me completely. Ready to stop pretending I was ever going to learn how to be loud. There's a certain comfort in rock bottom, you know? No more falling. No more expectations to shatter. Just the bottom, solid and certain. Home.

That's what depression feels like when you've been groomed for it your entire life. It doesn't crash into you like a wave; it seeps in through the cracks someone else made. By the time you notice the water rising, you're already breathing it like air. And when someone throws you a rope... you don't grab it. You just float there smiling that polite grateful smile and say... "No thank you, I'm fine." and I am.. I'm fine.. Or at least, I think I am... The abyss has warm blankets and no questions and it never raises its hand to you except to stroke your hair and whisper, "Stay. You were always meant to be invisible."

And I believe it. Because believing is easier than fighting, and fighting is just another word for pain, and pain is what you were promised was love.

So, that's where I am right now.. just walking toward the abyss.. alone.. with my eyes open.. and my mouth closed.