Obsession (long)

[Anacites]

As a friend of mine put it: "I'm addicted to people". Right now though, I'm really struggling with myself. I don't like who I am, who I've turned out to be. It's a long story, so I'll try to be brief. This was brought on by me making a coworker who knows my obsessive feelings uncomfortable by apologizing with gifts too much. I was told not to get gifts for anyone because it feeds my obsession. Hearing that made me really sad about the person I am. That's why I'm really sad and posting here to see what people think.

Growing up, I saw my high school best friend (we are still best friends currently) as my childhood hero. She was stoic and unmoving, but I didn't realize until later it was due to masking severe social anxiety. Being young, I was impressionable, and I desperately wanted to impress someone who I thought was so incredibly cool. It wasn't romantic, it was idolization/admiration: I put her on a pedestal. Though because I was developing it got nearly impossible to remove these feelings later in life. Turns out back then I was one of her only friends, and still am. Those feelings made me happy, and still do, so I never had to deal with the consequences until I got older.

Recently after a few years away due to focusing on an a failed relationship, I rekindled my friendship with her. My best friend is in a bad way now, and I'm glad I can help, but I realize I still have these unhealthy feelings especially after realizing how much I missed her. I apologize for the person I am to her very often, and I recently had a bad mental break because she told me I'm the only person in her life that truly accepts her. I wanted to just be there for her and make her happy, and hearing that really broke my subjective reality. She deserves a lot more friends than just me, but I'm never going to force her to do anything.

Even before high school though, I wanted to please people. I wanted to be a Janitor or Butler growing up, just to make people happy. I'm a barista and caretaker now, so in a sense I got my dream jobs pleasing others, but these obsessive feelings make me feel like I'm an unhealthy person to be around. So, in a kind of weird way, I love making friends but I'm afraid to be myself around them. I don't want anyone to really see the true me anymore, and I have to volunteer, donate, and do things for others in order to deal with these feelings.

Perhaps I'm not a bad person, I just don't feel happy with myself. I don't expect gifts from people, even reciprocation in general scares me. Same reason why I'm afraid of physical affection, it's a mutual feeling and I don't think I deserve it. Maybe it's also because I hold so much guilt for who I was when I was younger, pushing affection on someone else who just wanted a friend rather than an admirer.

I know I'm loved, I know I'm admired, but I worry that the only people that really accept me for who I am are the people that rely on me. Being obsessive makes me happy, though I know it's not healthy. I just don't know how else to be happy, it's an addiction. I am my best friend's only true friend, and I never meant for that to happen. One can imagine that it's incredibly easy for me to make friends, but I feel all that is only surface level. I've experienced so much through helping others, going on adventures, saving lives at times, and even helping with someone's bottom mtf transitionary surgery. All I really do most of the time is play videogames alone, since I'm just so afraid of being too much for people.

I'm a very successful person in all other ventures so I don't hate myself, I hate who I am.