Feel my Pain

[Xxken728]

You do feel my pain dont you ,because you are me
the dark sinister chemical that lives and breaths within my brain ,My clinical deppression born together ,You invisible and silent ,beside my newborn cries.
A young child always different ,without feeling and understanding ,to grow up to cause hurt and misery to everyone i touched,
The shadow in the bedroom doorway watching no gestures ,just cold and cunning ,of course it was You, an image created by a young boys mind , And then I a youth who has torn his way through so many lives destroying freindships and causing his parents and his young Wife so much pain and fear . Against all odds I pulled on through and provided a happy life ,and had two great daughters
Now my Wife living with a serious illness ,I see the pain in her eyes and feel it in her touch .
So now the Old Man I have become, Struggles,and loses control and runs away and causes even more trouble ,hurting himself feeling the need to be punished,but reaching out for some help ,
So there you were again the dark savage sentinel ,laying out the past i never wanted my girls to see .
They understand of course,but it hurts still causing pain.
So now I live alone ,But still care for my Wife I love her and would give My life so she could be Well again,
Its Cold here ,and you are always with me, you see through my eyes ,you know what im thinking.
At night you sleep in my sleeping ,and you dream in my dreaming ,When my eyes close ,you visit upon me unspeakable things .
Nightmares of things not of this earthly creation ,creatures from a place deep within my mind ,,Our mind .
So as much as it will hurt me ,You and i will feel my pain together, But I will continue to be Husband an a Father ,And you my silent friend will Not stand in my way.
I will leave this here ,Im sick of hiding how i feel ,there is nowere else For it to go ,Me And Myself.
So here you all are ,Feel My Pain.

[Xxken728]

Why am i here again ,just being in here could cause more upset.
I would not want my Wife or my Girls to read what i leave here,But i should be able to have somewere to say what Im feeling.
So Im sorry but i need this, the Ferrel Child ,the Wild and Confused Youth,and the Old Man I am now,needs this.
Here i sit and think in my thinking,How could i do such things ,make a total mess of my young life and touch so many with my stain .
Can any of you feel my pain ,do you feel ,Can you see the table in front of me ,No ,,,,Then close your eyes and see with your mind .
There maybe you do see now , My life spread out,in front of you ,The calling cards of Madness .
I feel Remorse ,And Quilt ,Sadness for the pain,and the Hurt ive caused to others ,and to my Dear Family.
There are no excuses here it was all my doing ,but i was driven by the Illness that runs like poison through my veins ,and the confused electrical impulses within my Brain. I have to admire my deppression it is clever and cunning ,and of course it knows exactly what im thinking,
It knows i could cause myself problems being here ,But it just pushes me on ,I am real not just words on this page,This portal into a world
with no identitys ,i dont look for sympathy here so Dont give it ,its just a word that Ends in, WHY,
Im tired now and my eyes fail me ,soon sleep will come and i will fear it ,
I will Dream in My Dreaming ,and the creatures will come ,Deppression will bring them to Me.
They Creep ,and Pull me down into that Deep dark place,that is my Nightmare.
I Struggle to break free ,Bursting from the darkness with a Crie,my heart pounding .They will come again, In my Dreaming.
And to those who Read here ,They May trouble you Too ,We all have these Dreams in our Dreaming .

[MindHalfFull]

There seems to have become something you may have not recognize yet. Your words voiced a clear identification between one agony from another. This ability, aside from the horror of it all, is very valuable. You seem to have distinguished who you are and the pain that has become of you. In the world of mental anguish, that place in you see in your mind is the beginning of a powerful skill. Pardon any false assumptions I've shown, but what you have shared shows of a survivor. The reasons that have kept you alive, to survive, may rarely feel like enough, and when you feel that, your mental strength is greatly apparent. Our minds are amazingly strong. Painfully, and valuably, focusing on the logic of our emotions can be can teach us which pains need attention and which are to be ignored. For instance, the pains that come from other's pain is a pain to accept. It is in our nature to empathies and care, so tend to those natural pains. The pains that manifests over and above our perspective of life should be treated as an exception to the rule, preventing any purpose or reason to come of it. Regardless of which pain is which currently, I think you have an ability that can become your greatest asset, organizing your pains so to better tend to the harmful ones and focus less on the less harmful ones.

Mindfully attuned logic can save lives, including ours.

[Xxken728]

Im looking in my looking ,and reading in my reading ,So in my thinking i see nothing .
I was Born into something of which i had no control ,it took me down many wrong paths , unable to see the consiquencies of my actions,and the many People it would Hurt,the Friendships it would destroy were far Outreaching,
There are No excuses here for what i did ,i dont hide behind my Illness,I did not have the ability to process what was Right and what was Wrong .It seems that i still dont have that ability now ,i should Not be here now hiding my feelings from my Family.
I even managed to Fool the My Mental health Team, It makes me feel Sick .
So I Write in my Writing,
Its night time again and already I fear ,to Dream in my Dreaming .