Not sure I can do this anymore

[eechyl]

I'm 23 now, and I realise that I've lived my life lying everyday. I would never voice any of my problems to anyone just to make sure I stayed out of the way, didn't burden anyone, didn't make a fuss about something that wasn't really an issue. There are so many things wrong with me, and I feel like no one knows me because I haven't allowed them to. I've let a few people in to a certain degree sometimes before, but after that progress I just revert to lying or omitting the truth again.

Since I was young (as far back as I'm able to remember at least) I've always felt like I was on the outside. I had friends and got along with everyone, did well in school, in arts, was well behaved, did sports and extracurricular activities, but all the while I've never felt like I'm worth anything. I have no self worth and I hate myself. Only somewhat recently after 12 weeks of therapy did I actively try to challenge my belief that I'm not worthy of love, and that a romantic relationship isn't accessible to me by default because it would be unfair and irresponsible to put myself into someone else's life like that when I'm such a damaged, messy excuse of a person. But whenever I really think about it, I feel like no amount of work will make me ready for a relationship. Even though I crave that connection.

Although an introvert, I get along with everyone, can adapt in social situations, and sometimes people are drawn to me, too. But I feel like at a certain point in the friendship, at the point where you'd get real with someone or confide in them, that's the line I can't cross. I always listen to my friends' issues and am so happy to be there for them if they need, assuring them of this, but I could never be so consistently open with another person like that in turn.

Too many things have gone wrong, all this time I've just been trying to keep my head above water and I really feel like it's genuinely not possible for me to move forward from here. I feel like I've just been spectating life, observing everyone around me having normal, fulfilling lives, experiencing everything one has a right to and feeling happy for them. Never do I look at myself and see a person that deserves anything. I don't feel like a person. I feel like I don't count, like this is some sick joke on me and everyone else that I just have to endure now because of all the people's lives I've wormed my way into just by existing. I genuinely feel like after being born, having the childhood I've had and turning out the way I have, I'm not meant to be here at all. Not meant to survive, because I can't handle it anymore and I can't see a way to carry on. Who else can I blame but me? I'm the one who's not strong enough, I'm the one who lived this way for 23 years.