What should I even do?

[Just_anotherdude]

Hello everyone...

The title might seem weird, so I'll briefly explain what I've been going through for years now, since I don't have any people to reach out to...

So, ever since I was young I've always felt distanced from other people... I wasn't at all the one to chase after people, rarely ever trying to make friends. From as long as I can remember I found it difficult to understand my emotions, or to speak about anything in depth with others really. I also had problems with anxiety, even crying about any poor school test result from as long as I can remember (from elementary school up to today. For context, I started university this year, I'm 19).

I've probably been too tough with myself, always studying instead of trying my hand at socializing. I've been a straight "A" student even since junior high, but I withdrew myself from anything else, with the exception of gaming and reading books (those can't judge me afterall). I've been bullied in the past too, for rarely speaking at school and never standing up for myself and more. Although that stopped when I started high school. I only had a few friends I felt close to.

The end of high school was enough for me to be left without any friends. I lost contact with those 2 friends I had after graduation.

As for family, my parents are divorced,. I haven't been in contact with my father for months. My mother on the other hand is here, but doesn't care one bit about the mental health issues I'm probably facing. All I can do is cry to myself, and when I can't contain my emotions and burst, she shouts at me. Today she even ripped my shirt apart and threw me on the ground (happens every 5 months or so when my emotions can't be bottled up anymore...).

So here I am. Attending university only 2 out of 5 days each week, having made no friends whatsoever there. I have no energy to even speak to anyone. This last year really has been depressive to me. I see no hope in my future, and I'm too much of a coward to end it all. I even wonder why I fear death so much, given I really have nothing anymore. But if I can't die I have to live on.

Even after saying all that I feel guilt. As if I'm trying to blame others for the walking mess I am.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks for reading all that...

[Prycejosh1987]

It seems that stress has gotten to you. Its impacting your connection to others. You must address the issues of your insecurities by confronting them personally and with prayer. Friends can be made its easy to make friend when you know who you are and are confident in how you come across. Start by saying hello, and take it from there.