My Story

[Oldguy]

It's Tuesday or Wednesday, not sure which. The days run together for me now.
I started writing tonight because I need to put this down. Not a lot of people will read this
I imagine. Doesn't matter...
One of the reasons I even started writing here was as catharsis for those frequent times
that I am vulnerable and have no one to lean on. This is one of those times.
This winter has been mixed for me. The weather in my area has, so far, not been
extreme. I am less depressed here I than I was in my hometown. I do have a few people
who help me out here, more than I had in my hometown. There are things, however,
that I can't seem to get by.
I was first treated for anxiety at 6, then again at 11. At 13, I had my first full blown
depression. My family tortured me about being "lazy" and "selfish". I suffered in silence
for the next twenty years, never being able to hold a job, finish my degree or hold a
relationship together. At 32, my mother passed away. I wasn't permitted to grieve, my
family turned on me and we became estranged. The stress was too much and my
marriage broke down two years later.
I moved to be with a woman that I had fallen in love with. That may be the worst mistake
I have ever made. Our entire relationship was based on her use of emotional blackmail
to manipulate me. For some years it wasn't an issue; we worked things out and I could
stand up for myself.
About ten years ago, my latest ex-wife's perimenopause ended and her character
changed. She became increasing irrational and controlling, submitting me to the worst
emotional abuse you can imagine. At the same time, an incompetent GP prescribed too
much of a drug I never should have been on. She over medicated me for five times the
recommended period. As a result, I suffered permanent brain damage. My memory,
cognitive abilities and emotional control broke down completely.
My now ex wife took advantage of my diminished capacity, turned up the volume on the
abuse and drained my bank account. Once I was broke and unable to even keep myself
clean she threw me out.
I left town. I went back to my hometown to try and regroup. I hired a lawyer and started
the procedure of trying to get compensated for being the stay-at-home partner for fifteen
years. I tried performing again, but I had by then lost a large portion of the use of my left
hand. It still hasn't returned, even after two years of physiotherapy.
The divorce is now final. I am back home, out of my hometown. I can't perform any
more. I have tried distance learning from three respected schools and discovered that
they treat such offerings as a money grab. They are so poorly managed as to make it
next to impossible to succeed. Ageism and a lack of certifiable credentials have kept me
from securing a job. My depression and anxiety are as bad as they have ever been.
Things are further complicated by the fact that I am suffering from C-PTSD, a result of
years of emotional abuse at my ex-wife's hand.
Despite her efforts to make me sicker, maybe even to manipulate me into killing myself,
the divorce was not my idea. Even after all of the abuse and damage I've received fom
her, I still miss the good years. I am too old to start again, even if I wanted to. I cannot
trust anyone in my life, no matter how hard I try. I have been refused medical treatment
, on the grounds that my memory is so bad it would be a waste of resources. The same
medical system that f***** me over now refuses flatly to help me get well.
I am, after forty years of working at whatever I could, doing the best I could for the
people in my life, now seriously considering social assistance. Any employment support
programs for people like me are aimed at teens, young adults and social assistance
recipients. My efforts to become a productive member of society have been stymied at
every turn. I avoid everything; most days now I cannot leave my flat. My self-worth is
non-existent and I wish every night that I will never wake up.
I really don't know where my life is going but it's a bleak outlook indeed.

[LookUp1430]

I am so sorry you have had to endure so much. How you've been able to keep it together is commendable. Really. It shows, whether you want to believe it or not, you have tremendous determination and a will to never quit. I'm not sure where you are spiritually, but have you considered finding a community or fellowship type church near you where you could at least sneak away and relax for an hour or so each week? Something like that might be another cathartic way for you to deal with your situation. Who knows, you might even meet some people who love you just the way you are. Hang in there.

[lostinca]

When we are emotionally abused, day after day, we start to believe all the negative things told to us. We lose all self esteem. I know.. Im there too. I wish I wasn't so weak as to listen to the words. I have PTSD from my marriage for 11 years. I am divorced now, but subject to similar abuse from a family member. I am sorry to hear your pain. I think if people like us come together and stick together, we will see that we all are good , kind people with big hearts. We are so kind that we seem like pushovers to others. We need to stand strong and support each other. I agree to be strong if you do . I can't do it alone either.