I guess I'll try my best to tell my story...

[Rainy-Day-Dream]

I don't honestly expect anyone to actually read this if anything I'm typing this out ostensibly to feel better about it so don't worry about it. But let's see...

ok so I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and after some ocupational therapy I was prescribed medicine that I've in one form or another been taking my whole life (I've been tested and retested various times still going so I'm quite sure I actually do have ADHD and need these medications)

I've always been sort of quiet and listless I preferred drawing or reading to most other things notably socializing and most productive activity be it school or work, And I've never been very expressive about my emotions to a point where I'm still unclear on whether or not I feel most emotions at all (I do my utmost to act normal up to a point tho as so not to bother others but only started doing so rather recently)

so you can pretty much fill in most of my life with this overview information to a certain extent just a quiet seemingly emotionless kid stumbling through a life he was more or less resigned to live

I always had "friends" for the most part or well it's hard to explain I certainly didn't dislike any of them but generally they approached me and I hardly opened up to them and fell out of touch with any of them pretty quickly save a few exceptions so more just people to hang around with at school and such but it was nice

and I was never bullied really I mean some kids teased me as I was pretty different but nothing ever physical and so far as I can tell everyone feel in to 3 categories in there regard to me; people who liked me for reasons I myself don'
t particularly understand but am thankful for (more than you might think), people who just ignored me (I mean most people are busy with their own lives), and people who were probably creeped out by me (not really a lot if I'm honest with myself but there definitely were a few)

so for the most part I coasted through life staying out of anyone's way and not getting very close to most but I didn't really mind it I was pretty content as a kid and teenager

high school was weird though I joined some sports (wrestling and cross country) to get and shape and cope with my asthma and even tho I hardly talked to anyone everyone seemed to know and like me and all the girls in my class voted me prom king (honestly a complete surprise at the time and still I'm to this day unclear how or why it happened but I can't say I'm unhappy about it) so I guess that I was popular in high school? it seems that way but I never really noticed and I'm not sure what to do with popularity and honestly I'm at best indifferent as far as my opinion of my self so in a way people liking me isn't particularly something I understand (I hope that's not ungrateful)

my first year of college was fine but pretty lonely because since I was responsible for myself I pretty much choose to be a lone most of the time which I at most points don't mind but I tend to get lonely easily and quickly so it's hard to see the line between choosing to be alone and being alone but that year my two room mates were cool so that tided me over (I hope I didn't bother them)

but my second year I had no roommates and no friends in my classes so I was pretty much completely isolated almost constantly

it was at this point that considering the symptoms and such the minor clinical depression I've had all my life was spurred into a major depressive episode

self-harm, suicidal thoughts, suicidal gestures (possibly attempts I'm unclear), etc.

it wasn't that I wanted to die or was suffering per say but life was gradually becoming more difficult and demanding and less enjoyable and rewarding at a troubling and consistent rate so to be blunt being alive simply no longer seemed worth the trouble and work it required

quick downhill spiral to rock bottom and though I wasn't entirely lucid at the time instead of killing myself I call my parents and confess some things and end up in the E.R. and then the psych ward after about 10 days I was fully diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorder given some new prescriptions and eventually pronounced emotionally stable and not a threat to myself or others (tho honestly myself is probably the only person I'm a threat to at any time) and with plans for outpatient work we stand a a good point to turn a page and start a new transformative chapter in life where I'm a new person

yet my recovery slowed to a crawl if not stopped entirely as soon as I left the hospital and I didn't go to my classes at all staying in my dormroom for more than a week barely sleeping and hardly leaving even once a day to eat

ironically the problem seems to be as far as I could figure that the therapy and medicine did work

but see just because I was "normal" now that's not inherently a good productive thing

suddenly being quiet and socially awkward started to actually bother me and terribly so and even tho I now actually wanted to socialize I hadn't the faintest idea where to begin to try an attempt at such a thing

and now that I actually felt what were emotions as far as I could tell my life became infinetly more complex and demanding decisions even simple ones felt like they needed more consideration and internal deliberation and things I found uninteresting (i.e. schoolwork, job hunting, etc.) became nearly impossible because the facts they were devoid of meaning and enjoyment that I simply used to trudge through ignoring as I simply did as I was told now became hugely important and impassible

thus suddenly made into a more or less normal functioning human person turned out to be jarring and impalitable so far as I could figure and now that my friends and family were aware of my mental health issues committing suicide hen or now or onward indefinitely seems much more cruel and difficult to get over than if I had done so before they were privy to the majority of the facts so I more or less have to take that off the table all together and do my best to avoid any sort of death that might leave suspicion of being suicidal

but I'm unclear on what to do now as I'm alive and resigned to being so as far as this body will take me and yet I have no particular want to be so

most of life seems decidedly troubling and pointless and to be perfectly honest I want quite literally nothing from life altogether if I had to have something it'd be peace quiet and time to relax and enjoy myself but there's no job for that so if it was all the same I'd really just rather not

so until I figure things out I'll just do my best at things time to improve myself and keep my parents happy (which is hard to be honest they're rather tense and self-compromising so far as I can tell) try to get a job and work with my therapist and maybe I'll get around to making those comics I've always wanted to although currently my art's not up to snuff for the story and my imagination but I'll just keep on at it

well anyway that got kinda weird and ramble-ly but I just wanted to share and writing helps me think so there

thank you to anyone that actually read the whole thing I really don't expect anyone to actually do so and I'm sure my grammar is fairly terrible

anyways it's nice to meet all of you I'm charles I'm here from being lonely while my few good friends were bus and googling depression chatrooms and forums I honestly have no clue what I'm doing

but hopefully I can find some people to talk to and possibly friends as that's all I'm really looking for