My Story

[holden12]

Hi

I'm 18 years old and have sturggled on and off with depression, anxiety and anger problems for about 5 years now.

I've always been a very lonely person, right back to being in primary school I was an easy target for bullies due to never standing up for myself and my lack of friends and as a result suffered verbal and physical bulllying from the age of 8 to 11 whilst in primary school.

When I arrived at high school i hoped the change of scenery would make everything better, and in my first year although the bullying resided I never made any friends what so ever, mostly due my nervousness and shyness, I didn't realise it at the time as a 12 year old but at the time I was severely depressed, I self harmed often and spent no time what so ever with my main family, instead practically living with my grandfather who was like a father to me. For the next 3 years things picked up and the demons left, I started to make friends and before I knew it I was happy for thr first time I could ever remember, not just because I made friends but because I used to sit down with my grandfather and talk about how depressed I formally was, speaking about everything took a huge weight of my shoulders and left me free.

Then when i was age 15 my grandad died, he was more of a father to me than my real dad . I no longer had anybody to speak too and this is when depression began to strike home. I didnt want to leave the house anymore and as a result the happiness my friends had brought me died, creating a vicious circle of self loathing and sadness.

The last year at school was a real struggle, once again I was left lonely & without friends as they no longer liked me due to 'ditching' them, I started self harming again and severe depression came. I rarely slept at night and was constantly ill.

Come the end of the year I had a girlfriend and although it was nice to feel loved and wanted and have somebody there to speak too I was still depressed. The problem was I missed my old friends but was too scared to speak to them, the self harming continued and at low points suicidal thoughts came. Exams came and I couldnt cope with the pressure, I hated the world and everyone in it, everything was someone elses fault, my friends hated me and then in the summer my girlfriend left me.

I've never been so low, I self harmed almost hourly and suicidal thoughts were never far from the back of my mind, my sister, who had grown to be the only person I could confide in, moved away and I was left lonely, and once again with nobody to speak to, so all the thoughts bottled up inside me, stewing gradually into a cesspit of hatred and self loathing.

The anger came next, for the next two years I have lost control, the smallest thing makes me throw objects and throw punches. But then later when I calm down I hate myself for what i've done and self harm returns as the only release.

I left college a month ago and am waiting to go to university in october. I am out of a routine.I wake up every day and every day is the same, i have no meaning in life and am just exisiting for the sake of it. I have no friends, I'm sat in my room for 3 months waiting to leave. I've recently started gambling and lost£4000 on betting. Nobody wants to listen to me anymore, I took the courage to go to a doctor and they passed me off as a grumpy teenager, my sister is on the other side of the world, my grandad dead. All i want most is somebody to speak to, suicidal thoughts are stonger than ever and I no its wrong but its there. Please help me

[Lady Ectophylla]

Holden,

I joined this site yesterday, and this will be my first reply. I don't know if that means anything, but in saying so, I hope it does. I am not a professional. I've only spent a year studying my major(psychology) and most of those classes were ones that didn't even pertain to psychology. I am most terrified that I will say something to upset you, but I want you to know that I have heard you, so I will try my best.

I find it extremely interesting that our pasts are similar despite the difference. Growing up, I was extremely shy too, and the friends I did have, talked badly about me with the rest of them. I was an extremely sickly child and the children would laugh and say I had cancer or steal my things. Anyway, even after all of the struggle, you've made it, just as I have. What I had to do was find a few friends who I could talk with, even though they are far away. i know the worst thing in the world is feeling like no one would care if you were gone, but I am glad you joined. At least here people will listen, and reply.

You mentioned having a girlfriend earlier, but I have found that until you are stable enough with yourself, you can never be happy dating someone else. I suggest putting relationships aside for a while, until you're comfortable with your struggle against depression. Saying that, I don't mean until the bad thoughts go away. I mean until you are comfortable that you can deal and cope with them once they appear.

Do you harm yourself currently? If so, do you like to draw, or write? When I was cutting, I replaced it with drawing body parts and drawing the things I would do to myself. I don't know if that is healthy, but it will save you from harming your body any further.

I hope I helped,
Kariah.

[holden12]

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply it feels so nice that people actually care about how I feel.

I know, since that girlfriend anything close to a relationship has dissolved into nothingness through anxiety, paranoia and an inability to be happy or do menial everyday tasks.

I do currently self harm rarely and that is an interesting point I've never heard before, I think anything that can release self hate and aggresion work is possible.

Again thanks for replying