Reversing the spiral

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Frame
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Reversing the spiral

Postby Frame » Mon Jun 17, 2013 5:10 pm

Wish I knew how to begin. I suppose I have with the subject heading; yet this is not about reversing the downward spiral per say. It is more about wishing. I wish that when I was on meds that I had the motivation to push forward. There is so much I'd like to do with my life. And I do feel better when on any one of a number of meds. I like things and people more, but I haven't the drive or focus to actualize my vision.

Conversely, without meds. I am angry; I am desperate; I am driven. I work; I struggle; I learn. Things loose their form, their meaning, I am no longer drawn toward success, but driven from failure to falure.

So, I wish there was some combination of will and joy that kept me from wishing it was all over.

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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Jun 17, 2013 8:23 pm

I have no idea how this is going to sound, but for what it is worth, maybe reversing a spiral can start with imagination??

That is what I am using..... I'm not sure I can explain it well enough....


After imagining & wishing enough, my will returned--in some kind of way.... It's not perfect. I still feel like neutral about a lot of stuff--like emotionally dead, but it is an attempt to maintain some sort of stability. I think that's my safety mechanism: not getting too worked up about much of anything that can throw me off balance.

Perhaps the difference is that I do not see what I'm going through as failure. I see it as that I'm supposed to take away something from it to help me be stronger. It's painful at times.... There is a point to whatever it is, although I may not see it right now. Some things I just toss--like this customer on the job who railed at me for something that was not my fault.

I did get pissed off & wished I could kick him in the butt. Yet in the end, it just wasn't worth it.....

Maybe something will work and maybe it hasn't been stumbled upon yet. Do not give up hope. One day at a time, alright?? That's how I do it. (Well, it's probably more like one hour at a time.) :wink:

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Postby Frame » Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:27 am

Thanks Crystalgaze, for your response; and I think your right.

The reason I choose Frame is because well-being is very much about your frame of mind.

On the other hand I'm 52 have no saving, no retirement, got myself into a business which (by my own actions) has pushed me into a few hundred thousand dollars in debt, my sister (jobless for over three years) moved in with me. The house is my but I can't carry the payments without the business and it looks like I'm about to loose the business.

Honestly, if it was all over and I was homeless, I'd probably be in a better frame of mind. I'm glad for the time I've had the business. I've learned so much. And even today, I go to work with such mixed feelings. So much potential; such a huge mess. It's the weight of the debt (tax debt, I can't just declare bankruptcy) and the uncertainty of the future.

I've struggled with depression, agreat accomplishment, and stunning failure all my life. It's my inability to look forward, to make a plan, to focus on a path; that makes me want to give up. It's just gets harder and harder to go on each day. I not saying I won't. But summoning any kind of inspiration is such a struggle.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

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Postby Frame » Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:04 am

I so wish I could be grateful, could feel grateful. A take a bus to work and by the time I get there I want to curl up into a ball and die; dry up like a bug. It's wrong. I have so much to do andto be grateful for.

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Postby crystalgaze » Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:27 pm

(((((((((((((( Frame ))))))))))))))))))

Frame
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Postby Frame » Thu Jun 20, 2013 7:44 am

(((((((((((((( Frame ))))))))))))))))))
_________________
~Crystal aka Garbage (Trash)

(Yes, people do call me that, but hey, it's also the name of one of my favorite bands.)

I don't care about karma; I'm taking back my life.

Yes; it's about Frame of mind.

saragupta
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Postby saragupta » Wed Aug 07, 2013 9:00 am

Hello frame,
i ve read ur 3 4 posts and everytime i ve felt a kind of sensitivity in ur msgs. It made me to think how come a positive attitude person can land up here...so i read ur very first post.
Sir,
I think it's the influence of the powerful imaginations of yours that has made ur mind capable of guiding others. It simply means that u are coming out of depression . And u r putting up an example for everyone here! So cheers sir!

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Postby Frame » Wed Aug 07, 2013 11:33 am

Thank you, saragupta, for your message. I sincerely hope I'm coming out. It doesn't feel like that however; and I have reason to believe it's getting worse. I've developed coping skills for thrashing my way through the woods; and I'd like to believe that I'm thrashing my way into a clearing. Yet my perception is that I'm just trashing deeper and deeper into darkness until one of the bigger trees comes finally crashing down on me.

One reason is that, the better acquainted with depression I become, the more I realize we've been together all my life. Depression is a response to stress, to lack of control over ones life, to ones losses. Yep, it's been around a long time. And even though I've developed compensations to the stressors (to some extent) the depression has become a mode of life, a chemical process, a stable biological reaction; Very difficult, at this point in my life, to eradicate without upsetting the whole apple cart. Then again, the world may soon upset my apple cart for me.

Another reason is that the statistics are against me [Well actually, that's not a very good reason. I've said it before. I'll say it again that, I tend to be a statistical aberration. So maybe there is hope.] Doctors and psychiatrists have told me that without treatment most people like me don't make it. But for me, with treatment, my life seems to be slipping away faster. [Although, again, I suppose I should argue with myself because I started taking St. Johns Wart again last week and there seems to be blip of positivity on the radar. It may be a matter of discipline and the right dosing. Yet, I so crave some help and support, but I'm not going back to a psychiatrist. They all have their noses in their chemistry sets and their not looking at broader signs of life.]

Ohaoo....Where was I? Reasons; lack of reason; reasonability report...
Oh, yes, the third and final reason; it's nice that people here get the sense that I'm competent. But if I look at the history of my personal relationships and professional relationships, it just looks like the smoldering wreckage of a NASCAR accident, where no one makes it through and everyone just plows into each other. These days of course the the safety standards are high enough that everyone escapes with their lives but the cars are all totaled and track has to be resurfaced. So what I'm saying is that I'm not a whole person. I have not successes to stand upon; with all I've accomplished (and I've accomplished a lot) my life is still a wreck, depression or not. Kind of a vicious cycle no?

That is why I'm so hopeful for people like silentwaters, who are developing awareness early and can work with modern methods on multiple part of her/his life. We need to build on foundations of successful living. House boats on pontoons of happy feelings are always going to be ducked by life's storms.

Thanks for humoring me.

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Postby saragupta » Wed Aug 07, 2013 1:48 pm

Sir,
If i ve understood u right, u are kind of experiencing a dilemma...about...whether u are going INTO the black hole of depression or whether u r successfully on ur way of coming OUT of it. I can understand that many times things and thinking process become more than worst.
But one thing is very sure and that is, that u r at least can sometimes think that u r coming out of it! There are so many people who are just not able to believe that they can see themselves coming out of it...ever! There are so many ppl for whom everyday is the same...full of darkness...and for a change they get a worst day every now and then.
U WERE one of them but now u r not... and the good thing about u is, that u help them to reach at the point where u r today! Now ur condition is more like "on and off depression, (if i am not wrong to say that,i am really sorry if i am wrong...even slightest). But u in the days of "ON" ie when ur depression comes back, it makes u feel like it had never gone...like it was always there.

I am a doctor, and May be some day i would also be prescribing anti depressants to my patients. But personally, i don't believe that depression is something which can be dealt only by taking medications. As a human, i think that if a person knows the logical reason behind his or her depression then medications will do just a little help. I think in that case one needs a psychologist and not psychiatrist. Psychologist make us to think rationally, teach us the ever sooo difficult art of seeing just the half filled glass and not the half empty one. And moreover, they tell us how we shld deal with the depression.
I know how imaginations can bring changes in ones personality. I know it is easy said than done but still if u add a little bit of passion to re-live U CAN DO.
I keep talking about ur imagination thing again and again (myt be getting annoying) because it is really tough to do...and useful too. And to make urself believe that imagination...even for an hour...

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Postby Frame » Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:56 am

Your not annoying at all saragupta; and Thank you for your responses. They are up lifting. And I agree with your ON / OFF diagnosis, but it comes on very suddenly and goes just as suddenly; I hear a loud noise or get some bad news and I am immediately angry followed by uncontrollable sorrow (sounds chemical doesn't it). And my spirits are lifted by talking with clients, or you, or others on this forum. The level of (shall we say seretonin) never gets to the level of feeling well being. I know what well being it feels like and how little of my life I've had it.

But I'm also glad for your response because I have a philosophy about Eastern (oriental) medicine and Western (oxidental) medicine. Descartes broke the cord linking mind / spirit to body and forever after western medicine has been chasing a mindless body of pathologies. OK, maybe is was some Greek philosopher rather than Descartes, but you understand.

It's the perceived duality between observed and observer which allows all these diagnoses to be easily separated from the person as a whole. And your statement about finding the roots of depression, I believe is extremely important, but of little importance in western psychiatry. It makes treatment messy and lengthy (And we can't have that's in modern medicine can we? [read sarcasm]) I still say depression is an effective coping mechanism and chronic depression is a sign that the fundamental cause has been ignored far too long.

So yes please keep posting. Your insight from a holistic point of view is much appreciated. As for me; solving whatever puzzles my brain now would give me a new lease on life but it's not like I haven't been trying. And the woods I'm in now are as much physical as they are mental / emotional. Not woods literally, but when my situation stabilizes I'll have most likely lost my business and my house. So the landscape is completely blank. I recognize that opens great opportunities (glass half full) and perhaps I should, perhaps I will eventually embrace this. No, that's too mild; I have a personality which WILL by nature embrace this. But a stable home and job is a terrifying thing to loose all at once. And I'm not facing up to it yet (there's a hole in the glass). But my child is grown and I have no wife at the moment (glass half full). So it just me against the world (half empty). [Not really; after all, I'm talking to you and this group is an important part of my own piece of mind (peace too)(perhaps more than half full)].

OK, I'm rambling; but Thank you; Sara for your insights and just for posting.

saragupta
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Postby saragupta » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:04 am

Hello Sir,
I am glad that my posts cud make u feel a little bit uplifted. But i also can understand, that the moment u sign off from this site, ur "uplifted" emotion again comes back to ground floor.( I mean that happens to me, it's not necessary that it shld happen with everyone! In fact it shld not happen at all). Everyone knows that it's a gradual process so let us give ourselves some time!

Sir, i am sorry but i have never heard about descartes or diff between eastern and western medicine. But i ve got ur point. Some doctors just go after pathologies and brain impairments. There ARE many pathological conditions where root of depression is in the damaged area of brain or some reduced or increased chemical levels. In those case only medicines will do the job. According to my point of view, medicins do help! BUT it shld be given along with warm counselling. Because, sometimes patient feels relaxed even after just being heard by a warm caring person and not just by a stony ears holding pen and paper in hand and trying to pick a best medicine in mind...forget about whether patient got any solutions or answers! So, it shld be like Medicines+Counselling and shld not be just Medicines.

Your response over hearing bad news or annoying noises is quiet understandable, Sir. I can understand it because, although sometimes, but it does happen to me too. I think this negative response is not ONLY because of that particular problem/bad news! I think most of the time we see every problem coming our way as an addition to our previous or current problems. And then we respond to that PILE and not to that single problem. U know how i sometimes think in such kind of situations...my misery suddenly increases and i start thinking like...why with me always...were my karmas wrong in any way...I am tired...ENOUGH is ENOUGH...don't test me, coz this time if i lost my patience, i May speak hurtful words...or i May hit u with my heavy paper weight...afterwards don't blame me!
But then such stupid thinking hampers with ur head and u take wrong decisions and again a problem is created and there it is "vicious circle". Then sometimes u May even hurt those who really care for u!

It has happened to me but i am trying to make my self rational. Whenever such kind of thoughts come to my mind...i kind of try to put my car on the other route! I try (really hard it is) to command myself:
*"okay stop it. Don't react immediately, you will have to think first how to deal with it, try to think why a particular person is doing wrong to you, is he or she really wrong or it is just ur perception or have u done something in past that has made them to do this to u, (or in business/studies) can i bring out any positive outcome from this problem"* etc etc.
U shld also try to take care about u don't scold the person who is Ryt because that person myt also have been going thru the same stuff as u r! This is very very common, Ask me!
U May not find answer to any one of these questions at that vulnerable moment...this May make u even more sad. But still by thinking these questions u will distract ur mind from the impulsive reaction but still u will be focusing on the problem!
U May become sad (one weakness) by not finding answers but at the same time u will be at least trying to combat ur second weakness of anger.
This way we won't lose our hard earned image among our colleagues!
Because at the end, a therapist or a counselor can understand u and ur anger or depressive issues while talking particularly about these issues. But it is really difficult for those who live around us. After all everyone has their problems too.
Like they say "if someone is smiling, it doesn't mean he is not having problems. It means he knows very well how to hide tears!!"

4EverMe
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Postby 4EverMe » Sat Aug 10, 2013 1:16 pm

Hello Saragupta,
I have to disagree on your points that sadness and/or feelings of anger are 'weaknesses.' Too many who are depressed attempt to hide these painful emotions from loved ones--for fear of appearing "weak." I've heard this all too often, when speaking with others suffering depression/anxiety. IMO, it's the norm to experience the FULL spectrum of emotion. (whether "good" or "bad.)"
In addition, I know how it feels to worry about homelessness. I have also experienced it first hand. (worrying about it and being homeless) While realizing that you mean well, and come from a place of sympathy, please don't feel that I mean any disrespect when I say that going through a particular hardship awakens the senses in a huge way. It makes it much easier to see only through a murky glass. But yes, hope is good!

saragupta
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Postby saragupta » Sat Aug 10, 2013 3:37 pm

Hello 4ever
this is the first time we are talking to each other.
:) :)
No no i dint take any of ur comments in a disrespectful manner!

In my last post, i labelled being sad and being angry a weakness. Yes i did. But trust me all i meant was...i was talking about the helplessly increased EXTENT of sadness and anger. Like u know, when we notice that our threshold levels are dropping down due to our constant adhesive depressions of years!
I was taking about their increased forms due to our decreased thresholds...

Every person feels happy and sad because of some reasons in same day also! That's absolutely normal and part of a human's persona! So why wud i call those levels or extent of sadness and anger a weakness. But when u find urself reacting or expressing emotions in increased extent and u know that u r doing it unintentionally out of frustration, it is that time when u label it as weakness! But we are there for each other on this forum...to make changes in ourselves...for our betterment only.
I myself have been a "smiling yet depressed at heart" since like forever. Have never been able to find a single day of true peace. I call my own sadness and anger a weakness when my negative behaviour start affecting those who live around me and care for me or work for me!

saragupta
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Postby saragupta » Sat Aug 10, 2013 3:46 pm

@frame
I am really sorry if u too found anything wrong or otherwise in my posts.

@4everme
thanks a lot for drawing my attention towards the point u raised. I understand that a few words here and there can lead to misunderstandings. Thank u for giving me chance to explain my self.
Keep in touch.


( i try to keep myself genuine while replying But still i unintentionally often make mistakes:( )

Frame
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Postby Frame » Sat Aug 10, 2013 4:18 pm

No Problem SaraGupta.


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