I’ve Known for a While

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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DeadlyApathy
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:13 pm

I’ve Known for a While

Postby DeadlyApathy » Sat Nov 17, 2018 1:52 pm

I already know it’s going to happen, I just haven’t decided when. There are some steps I have to take first but I already know what they are.
I know where I will go.
I know how I will do it.
It feels so strange because I have moments of terrified reason, where a tiny voice shouts in the recesses of my mind that this is an extreme action, that it’s not a solution. It tells me I should try to get better, that I should get away from the people who make me worse. And for what it’s worth, I know that voice is correct. I really do.

But I also know can’t do this again. These awful, endless rounds of rising and falling, I can’t bear to claw my way out just to end up right back in this hole. I belong here. It’s better down here.
So I’ll pick a pretty place and I’ll lay myself to rest.
No one will notice I have gone and if they do it’ll be a long time before anyone comes looking. I quell moments of deep pain with the reminder that it’s ok. I won’t have to feel this way long. I’m almost done and the wait won’t be so bad as long as I plan for the end. This is my light at the end of a long, dull, and painful tunnel, yeah? A few minutes of physical pain to end my years of emotional distress. It’ll be fine. I might as well just do it already.
But I can’t yet, there are steps and I must take them.

...I’ll have to pay in the next life, for how I choose to exit this one but knowing that is no longer a strong enough argument to stop me. For all I know, everything that’s happening now is payment for having done this before. There’s just no getting better, and no point in fighting so hard to stick around. My sad little life just isn’t worth that kind of effort.

BenV
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:24 pm

Re: I’ve Known for a While

Postby BenV » Sat Nov 17, 2018 10:24 pm

You wrote:
"This is my light at the end of a long, dull, and painful tunnel, yeah? "

I wrote a poem about a tunnel with no light from above and no light at the end... 36 years ago.
1982.
Since then I graduated college.
Got married.
Had children.

You wrote:
"I already know it’s going to happen, I just haven’t decided when. There are some steps I have to take first but I already know what they are. I know where I will go. I know how I will do it."

I wrote very similar things... 22 years ago.
1996.
Since then I've seen my children get through college.
I've seen myself change careers.
I've reconnected with a very important person in my life.

There have been bad days, bad times.
Also good days and good times.
It is a struggle, I've often wondered why I am still here.
But I AM still here, by my choice.

I hope you are willing to make the choice to stay here too.

DeadlyApathy
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:13 pm

Re: I’ve Known for a While

Postby DeadlyApathy » Thu Nov 22, 2018 12:05 am

No one is going to want me. I can’t have children, but I suppose that’s good. But, really, It’s not about being willing, I just...can’t. Have you ever overtaxed your muscles so hard that they tremble and can’t stand up under the strain? That’s what this feels like.
Sometimes I feel better and it seems unreal that I could have felt so horrible, but it never takes long to sink again. And find myself here. Again.
I know I’ll always end up back in this same space, and I just have such touble fighting to keep my head above water ya know? There’s a tiny part of me that feels strange and melodramatic, yeah? Like I know I’m being ridiculous. But the majority of me wants to stop, to finally find a quiet place to rest.

RustyTavern
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: I’ve Known for a While

Postby RustyTavern » Sat Nov 24, 2018 3:39 pm

Ok but the rational thing to do would be to do something worthwhile before you go?


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