Comfort in knowing

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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DeadlyApathy
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:13 pm

Comfort in knowing

Postby DeadlyApathy » Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:30 pm

I’m on the outside of everything. I know everyone with depression feels that way. And I know that depression is a liar. It only makes you feel like you are outside when you are not, and that people really really really see you.
And for them, at least, that is true.

It’s so maddening sometimes, to be do aware of other people who don’t care st all. I’m never really a part of anything, not really. It bothers me, being apart. But I wouldn’t know what to do with inclusion if I had it, to tell you the truth. It’s so foreign to me.
People only pretend to want me around, because I’m nice and they remember I can be funny and how I helped them through a tough time. So they say the words but I know all the signs, and I just play along so I can seem normal. But I know that no one who says they miss me actualy means it. I know this because they might even say they want to get together but I can’t pin them down for plans. They immediately start to evade me, so I withdraw because I understand, their reluctance. After all, I’m not anything. Ever. Because they never stay.

Here I am, at a bar with my boyfriend and I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Well, maybe once before, after someone else broke me. I knew there was no coming back from THAT. I’m all scar tissue now. That’s okay though, because when it hurts too badly I comfort myself with the knowledge that I know where this path leads and how it will end. I can hold myself together until then, and when it’s all done I won’t have to worry about any of this anymore.

BenV
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:24 pm

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby BenV » Mon Nov 12, 2018 10:34 pm

You are not alone in having felt this way. You could be describing the me from 35-40 years ago.
But since then I'm been lucky enough to find someone who loves me, been married over 30 years and have raised two kids.
Do I have a lot more friends now versus back then? No. But I also know that my personality , not my depression is the reason for that.

I know this it is a difficult thing to understand now with how you feel but things can improve. I don't really feel I started to break out of my shell until I was in my mid 30s. I'm in my mid 50s now. That probably seems like an impossibly long time to wait. You can make it worth it.

Find what you like. Don't think that you have to be what your friends like. Peer pressure and the pressure of wanting to belong can be maddening. Over the years every single friend I made in college has fallen by the wayside. Usually because they didn't like me being me. Tough. There are still a few high school people I knew that I am casual friends with.
Quality versus quantity is what is going to matter down the road. I have my wife, one old friend and one new friend. Everyone else is either co workers or acquaintances. For me it works, due to my personality.

Perhaps you are trying too hard to be what you think your friends want you to be rather than being how you want to be.

APOR2017
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2018 11:04 am

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby APOR2017 » Tue Nov 13, 2018 3:25 pm

Deadly Apathy, I am sorry you feel this way. You are never alone. I am so glad you posted so that others can reach out to you. Try to find joy in things for yourself so that you can be happy and connect without others first. Oddly enough, people usually gravitate towards independent and confident/happy people. You sound like a great friend and are just going through a difficult time. You will grow through all of this and you will be equipped to help someone else through this situation one day. I believe in you! Continue to post so that we can encourage you and know how you are doing.

littlestarsmum
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby littlestarsmum » Tue Nov 13, 2018 10:47 pm

I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way, friend. Wish I could give you a hug. I appreciate your willingness to share openly with us. Depression is a very complex issue that deserves personal and in-depth attention. I know how difficult it must be for you. Are you seeing a therapist? A caring professional therapist would be in an excellent position to offer solid guidance. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His healing presence and fill you with His joy, strength, and peace. Please know that we care about you and are here to support you. Stay strong. Hugs!

DeadlyApathy
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:13 pm

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby DeadlyApathy » Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:02 pm

BenV wrote:You are not alone in having felt this way. You could be describing the me from 35-40 years ago.
But since then I'm been lucky enough to find someone who loves me, been married over 30 years and have raised two kids.
Do I have a lot more friends now versus back then? No. But I also know that my personality , not my depression is the reason for that.

I know this it is a difficult thing to understand now with how you feel but things can improve. I don't really feel I started to break out of my shell until I was in my mid 30s. I'm in my mid 50s now. That probably seems like an impossibly long time to wait. You can make it worth it.

Find what you like. Don't think that you have to be what your friends like. Peer pressure and the pressure of wanting to belong can be maddening. Over the years every single friend I made in college has fallen by the wayside. Usually because they didn't like me being me. Tough. There are still a few high school people I knew that I am casual friends with.
Quality versus quantity is what is going to matter down the road. I have my wife, one old friend and one new friend. Everyone else is either co workers or acquaintances. For me it works, due to my personality.

Perhaps you are trying too hard to be what you think your friends want you to be rather than being how you want to be.


The problem is that I’m stupid. And I gravitate toward those bright, charismatic people. We connect in our quirks and I feel like they really know me, really really like me, and that they like to have me around. Then they hit a rough patch, they reach for me because I understand their pain and I’m soothing to be around. I do everything I can for them because I hate to think they might be alone, and I know at the very least I can be a quiet companion, to sit there with them when it’s awful.

Afterward they remember me fondly (to other people) but never reach out. If they do, then they don’t mean it because they evade my efforts to make plans.

At some point I decided to stop reaching out, just to see if they would still talk to me. I went a whole year with no contact from anyone. There were casual friends who would try to get me to come out, but I would express my deep depression and how I couldn’t be around so many people. They never tried to see me just themselves though, and eventually they stopped asking.

I wouldn’t know how to fake a personality if I tried. I’m too inept. So to have connected with anyone at all is amazing . It was so unexpected and rare that i thought it was unexpected and rare for them too. But I am not exceptional in any fashion, so they moved on to happier friends. I thought I was doing better but here I am again, feeling awful and isolated and resisting connections with people because I know they will leave me once they’re through with whatever tough spot they are in.

I don’t know what to do. Work is hard because I have to find a way to deal with people that isn’t f****** weird because I feel so disconnected, but I can’t just call in. I have to keep moving, because once I stop I don’t think I’ll be able to start again.

I’m not seeing anyone about this because the last two I tried completely missed the point of everything I told them and I don’t have the energy to hunt another one down.

Besides. If I can’t fight my way through it then I don’t deserve to come out the other side. I don’t think that way about other people suffering the same thing, just myself. I have sympathy for all of you and I want everyone to be fine. But if this hurts so badly then I must deserve it somehow. I’ll be fine, or I won’t. Whatever happens things will turn out as they are meant to,

BenV
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:24 pm

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby BenV » Wed Nov 14, 2018 10:02 pm

DeadlyApathy wrote:
Besides. If I can’t fight my way through it then I don’t deserve to come out the other side. I don’t think that way about other people suffering the same thing, just myself. I have sympathy for all of you and I want everyone to be fine. But if this hurts so badly then I must deserve it somehow. I’ll be fine, or I won’t. Whatever happens things will turn out as they are meant to,


I feel much the same way about suffering. Like it is my job to suffer, my role in life. When I feel good for too long I feel guilty. Plus feeling good is scary, too many unexpected things go on. When I'm feeling bad it is a safe haven, even though there is such much pain.
I'm currently learning, 35 years after the fact that I did have a positive impact on a friend's life.

I'm thinking that there is someone out there that you impacted in a positive way too. They may not even be aware of it yet. They may not have told you yet. They may not know how to tell you.

DeadlyApathy
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:13 pm

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby DeadlyApathy » Wed Nov 14, 2018 11:23 pm

BenV wrote:
DeadlyApathy wrote:
Besides. If I can’t fight my way through it then I don’t deserve to come out the other side. I don’t think that way about other people suffering the same thing, just myself. I have sympathy for all of you and I want everyone to be fine. But if this hurts so badly then I must deserve it somehow. I’ll be fine, or I won’t. Whatever happens things will turn out as they are meant to,[/quote
I feel much the same way about suffering. Like it is my job to suffer, my role in life. When I feel good for too long I feel guilty. Plus feeling good is scary, too many unexpected things go on. When I'm feeling bad it is a safe haven, even though there is such much pain.
I'm currently learning, 35 years after the fact that I did have a positive impact on a friend's life.

I'm thinking that there is someone out there that you impacted in a positive way too. They may not even be aware of it yet. They may not have told you yet. They may not know how to tell you.


Please. That’s not how people I know work, they aren’t going to tell me anything. They might say so to other people but I’ll never know. They don’t think about me, and if they do, they won’t seek me out. I’m just too boring to keep friends.
I understand what you mean, but I’ve never felt guilty for my good feelings, I just don’t trust them. Something is always going to come along to knock me out of it and remind me to be cautious. It has never failed to happen and I’m just not epuipped to cope with this kind of thing. I deal in absolutes because the indecision of chance causes me too much anxiety. He can’t want me sometimes, he either always wants me, or wants me not at all.

Suzi
Posts: 39
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:33 am

Re: Comfort in knowing

Postby Suzi » Thu Nov 15, 2018 10:38 am

Hi Deadly, I can relate to so much in your posts. I have gotten so tired of pursuing other people. My phone never rings. I don't get invited to parties, etc. - just family gatherings. Maybe some of it was my fault because when I was raising my kids, they were my life. I made them a priority and didn't have time for a lot of extra curricular activities. Then I just kind of fell out of the social circle.

You said, "But I wouldn’t know what to do with inclusion if I had it, to tell you the truth." I have realized that I like to be alone, to pursue my hobbies, etc. I think as I've gotten older, that I find it harder to handle other peoples' drama. Also, I heard about the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron. It piqued my interest, so I read it. Oh my goodness, did it describe me!! I learned so much about myself and my social interactions. I am very affected by outside stimuli. When I have to be in a large group setting I feel overwhelmed. And when I go to bed my mind is racing with everything that happened - what I said, what someone else said, the look on someone's face, did I offend anyone, etc. etc. The next day I have to just settle my mind, drink chamomile tea, etc. and relax.

I am happiest when I am doing volunteer work or visiting people who are older than me - aunts, friends, etc. For some reason I seem to have more struggles with my peers. I have found so much joy in my hobbies and volunteer work, that I don't even think about being left out of the clique. I still have lots of friends on social media, etc. but my happiness doesn't depend on whether or not I am connected with them.


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