Only This

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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DeadlyApathy
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:13 pm

Only This

Postby DeadlyApathy » Tue Oct 30, 2018 2:52 pm

I’m fine, I say to myself, it’s better this way. Some people talk about depression like it’s a violent struggle, but for me it’s so quiet and contained. I hate the idea of losing control of myself so I keep it buckled tight. It’s like I’ve been winding down for years and finally came to a stop in an empty field and now here I am, covered in drifts of snow that weigh me down and freeze me to the core.
I feel woolen and heavy.
My chest is the most numb of all and there’s a stone where my heart should be.
I don’t feel much of anything now, though sometimes I get a sharp wave of aching that nearly brings me to tears but then it settles again and I’m back here. Alone and numb and so tired.

I don’t have anyone to tell this to, it makes me feel so awfully isolated...but that’s better too...right? That means there’s no one to hurt me. There’s a tiny part of my brain that reminds me this is worrisome but the thought escapes before it can take hold and I don’t have any reasons to care. Still though. I’d choose this over hurting all the time...and there’s no one to notice the change in me. There’s no fighting out of it, no getting better. Only this. This cycle of rising and falling. But there’s less of me every time, as I am stripped away layer by layer, each girl more breakable than the last.

lovingladyo4
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon May 22, 2017 9:06 am

Re: Only This

Postby lovingladyo4 » Wed Oct 31, 2018 8:48 am

The beginning of your post sounds like something I would read in a book. I like the words you chose to describe yourself - they provide a nice visual. Maybe writing will be in your future.

I know those words weren't written as an introduction in a book - they are your real life. Those thoughts are a part of you. They describe a journey from where you were to where you are now.

Having lived through many debilitating episodes of depression myself, I can relate to the "aching" and "heavy" feelings you describe. I don't believe our lives were intended to stay buried or contained inside such extremes, and I would like to ask if you have had a chance to be thoroughly checked by a functional doctor specializing in endocrinology. It's amazing what information can be found from simple blood and saliva tests. Combatting depression is simply a matter of understanding how your bran works, since it's the central headquarters for every function of your body, including depression.

If you have not explored this option, I highly recommend it so you can begin a new journey of being made well, and say goodbye to these awful emotions. Call around, ask questions. There is a way to treat the areas of your body (brain, glands, gut) that play a role in depression, and a functional doctor will help you uncover those problem areas.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts and I hope some of this helps.

littlestarsmum
Posts: 74
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: Only This

Postby littlestarsmum » Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:32 am

Welcome to this forum, friend.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Depression is a very complex issue that deserves personal and in-depth attention. I know how difficult it must be for you. Please know that you’re not alone. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor? You can always come here to share and you’ll find help and support. Take good care of yourself. Hugs & prayers!

LiveLaughLove2018
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:06 pm

Re: Only This

Postby LiveLaughLove2018 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:35 pm

I am glad you reached out on this forum. We understand the struggles with depression. Over the years I have experience bouts of depression where I have felt that numb feeling. That nothing really matters anymore or that I don't want to feel that darkness and pain. You don't have to continue to feel that way. As lovinglady04 mentioned it is understanding how our brain works. Depression is a chemical imbalance and with the right medication and therapy you can learned how to live with this disease and live a more normal and fruitful life. I struggled for years till I found the right medication and dose. The medication helps keep those chemicals balanced. It was explained to me once that it is like a person with diabetes with the right medication their insulin is regulated, the same goes for our brains. However, medication alone is not enough. Therapy helps teach you to cope, strategies to what may be causing the depression, and learning what your triggers are so you don't spiral. It is have been over 20 years since I was diagnosed with depression. I have had my ups and downs. In the past 2 years I haven't spiraled at all, if I feel a trigger of depression, I recognize it and then become aware of my thoughts and use the strategies I learned to avoid falling into the darkness. I pray daily and journal. I also give myself a break and not to be to hard on myself. Know you are not alone. We are here for you. Please let us know if you are on medication and seeing a counselor. Anytime you need someone you have us to chat with. I will be praying for you. I know with the right help you will feel better. Lot of Hugs!


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