My Dad

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Ms.Sheep
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2018 1:23 pm

My Dad

Postby Ms.Sheep » Sat Aug 04, 2018 5:36 pm

Between my older brother and I, my dad always picked on me. When I was in elementary school, he would get in my face and yell at me for stupid stuff like not brushing my teeth or not finishing dinner. Sometimes he would grab me by my face to make me look straight at him and yell at me like that. He would often make me cry and make me feel like I was to blame for starting the whole 'arguement' or for just being a 'baby'. Things sometimes got so bad, that I would wish that I lived in a different family. However, in middle school this gradually stopped when he got a girlfriend and started inviting her to his apartment. (On the weekened I stayed at my dad's with my brother and stayed at my mom's on the weekdays) Although it just so happens that the one weekend where my dad's girlfriend wasn't there, my dad blew up and yelled at me for the stupidest reason. He said stuff like "See? Not even your mom wants you around." It got so intense that he made me break down crying and I couldn't stop hyperventilating. Right now I'm about to start high school and after all that I really don't want to see or talk to my dad ever again. He teased me for crying and blamed me for things I wasn't even responsible for. My dad never hit me or anything and because of that I can't help but feel like I'm being stupid and should talk to my dad. I feel like others would look down on me for overeacting. My dad and I never had a relationship and there was never a time where I was actually excited to go to his house. It's kind of like if I never saw my dad again, I wouldn't be sad. I want other people opinions. Am I overreacting? Was what my dad did normal? I feel like I am burdening my mom by staying at her house on the weekends but I don't think I can face my dad.

AbbyVance
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 9:08 pm

Re: My Dad

Postby AbbyVance » Sun Aug 05, 2018 9:35 pm

Hi Ms.Sheep,
I'm new here, but i want to try and help you. My father is also not a good person. We don't get along, and he causes me to be depressed. I can kind of understand were you're coming from. For a long time i would go visit him on weekends, holidays, etc. He got worse though, and i couldn't take seeing him. I stopped the visitation, and stopped talking to him. What you're going through and what you're thinking is normal. It's ok. Nothing that you have done or thought is wrong. Your father is the one in the wrong. What he has done isn't normal and its not right. You're not overreacting to the situation. I know that it might feel like you're being a burden for staying with your mom, but you're not. If being with your mom means you feel happier, or safer, or any other good feeling, than you should stay with her. I don't know if you have talked to your mother about any of the things you're feeling, or going through, but i think you should. Talking to people is always a good thing to do, and a step in the right direction. I hope I've been helpful. If you want to talk some more, or if you have any questions about anything, even if you just want to vent to me, I'd be happy to help in any way i can.

Abby Vance

MidwestMax
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 9:14 pm
Location: Wichita, KS

Re: My Dad

Postby MidwestMax » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:26 am

Hi Sheep,
It seems your dad obviously has some anger issues. This is bad and he needs help. That's the bad news.
The good news is that since you're now old enough to start making some of your own decisions, you can decide whether to see him or not. Tell your mom about what's going on at dad's. She'll back you 100%. It's what moms do. Tell her and your father too that you don't want to go back to see him on the weekends until he has checked into an anger management class, or started seeing a therapist (maybe even with you present).
Also bear in mind that since you're entering high school soon, your days of being under the roof of your parents are coming to an end. The bulk of school is behind you. You only have a few more years before all decisions are yours and yours alone. You can do or not do whatever you want. Your life gets infinitely better the closer you are to finishing high school. Believe me.

RustyTavern
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: My Dad

Postby RustyTavern » Wed Aug 15, 2018 7:44 pm

Losing any family member is a lost opportunity to hang on to a true best friend.

It takes two.

CamilaWillaims
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2018 6:45 am
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: My Dad

Postby CamilaWillaims » Thu Sep 06, 2018 8:45 am

Our family is our inspiration our strength but sometime our elder forget their responsibilities.

PigRabbit
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:00 am

Re: My Dad

Postby PigRabbit » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:48 am

RustyTavern wrote:Losing any family member is a lost opportunity to hang on to a true best friend.

It takes two.


Yeah, ignore this comment. You dad wasn't a proper dad, let alone a "true best friend "

You are not overreacting. You dad was abusive towards you. Abuse takes lots of forms. If you do not want to have an abuser in your life, that is your choice to make. Many would call that the healthy choice.

Cutting out unhealthy people from our lives isn't always easy to do emotionally, especially if they are family members we love who maybe even love us in their own unhealthy way. All I can say is don't be unwilling to change your decision IF the situation changes, such as you dad reaches out to you to make amends for his abuse. Nit saying you have to, just saying be willing to consider if you should.

I am dealing with this type of situation right now. You see I suffered from mental health disabilities that where not properly treated and my daughter was negatively affected. I was abusive verbally through yelling and screaming and cursing her out over trivial things that set me off.

When she moved out she cut me out of her life to "deal with" my actions and at her own pace because she had lots of life things to deal with as a newly minted adult. I reached out to her and let her know I understand why she needed to do so but that no matter what i am her mom and will be here for her if she reaches out for any reason, regardless of how much time has passed. I apologized to her and accepted responsibility for this. She needed to cut me out of her life. She lost her mom because of what i did. She was loosing having a mom in her life to share mother/daughter things with. Cutting me out was a loss to her as well as to me. But it was the healthy choice. I needed to rebuild the relationship. I only asked that she understood that i was ill and nothing i did was her fault, she wasn't to blame. I was the parent, the adult, it was on me. But i also was ill and was/am seeking help and i wanted her to know that i did try my best, but it wasn't enough. I understand that.

It has been 2 years. We are rebuilding our relationship very slowly. I am glad she is willing to allow me the opportunity to make amends and do the work needed to repair the damage i had done.

But if i wasn't accepting responsibility for my actions or accepting responsibility for fixing the damage i did, then it would be unwise for her to keep a direct relationship with me.

RustyTavern
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: My Dad

Postby RustyTavern » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:23 am

PigRabbit wrote:
RustyTavern wrote:Losing any family member is a lost opportunity to hang on to a true best friend.

It takes two.


Yeah, ignore this comment. You dad wasn't a proper dad, let alone a "true best friend "

You are not overreacting. You dad was abusive towards you. Abuse takes lots of forms. If you do not want to have an abuser in your life, that is your choice to make. Many would call that the healthy choice.

Cutting out unhealthy people from our lives isn't always easy to do emotionally, especially if they are family members we love who maybe even love us in their own unhealthy way. All I can say is don't be unwilling to change your decision IF the situation changes, such as you dad reaches out to you to make amends for his abuse. Nit saying you have to, just saying be willing to consider if you should.

I am dealing with this type of situation right now. You see I suffered from mental health disabilities that where not properly treated and my daughter was negatively affected. I was abusive verbally through yelling and screaming and cursing her out over trivial things that set me off.

When she moved out she cut me out of her life to "deal with" my actions and at her own pace because she had lots of life things to deal with as a newly minted adult. I reached out to her and let her know I understand why she needed to do so but that no matter what i am her mom and will be here for her if she reaches out for any reason, regardless of how much time has passed. I apologized to her and accepted responsibility for this. She needed to cut me out of her life. She lost her mom because of what i did. She was loosing having a mom in her life to share mother/daughter things with. Cutting me out was a loss to her as well as to me. But it was the healthy choice. I needed to rebuild the relationship. I only asked that she understood that i was ill and nothing i did was her fault, she wasn't to blame. I was the parent, the adult, it was on me. But i also was ill and was/am seeking help and i wanted her to know that i did try my best, but it wasn't enough. I understand that.

It has been 2 years. We are rebuilding our relationship very slowly. I am glad she is willing to allow me the opportunity to make amends and do the work needed to repair the damage i had done.

But if i wasn't accepting responsibility for my actions or accepting responsibility for fixing the damage i did, then it would be unwise for her to keep a direct relationship with me.


You are incorrect and your dismissal of my accurate comment is self-serving. You should focus on the word 'opportunity' rather than jump into the 'I f***** up too but let me justify my choice by paralleling to your big f*** up too- gof forbid anyone to have to say 'sorry'

PigRabbit
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:00 am

Re: My Dad

Postby PigRabbit » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:45 am

RustyTavern an abused child NEVER has to say sorry to his/her abuser regardless of who it is, parent or not. Say sorry to the person who abused you isn't an "opportunity " it is self-deprecation.

I did not dismiss your "advise" because of my own experience with this subject matter, i dismissed it because it is a harmful statement. Your inability to see that is not going to change that, nor with cursing. Telling someone who is concidering having to vut an abusive father out of her life that by doing so she "missed an opportunity " is implying that she is doing something wrong by cutting out an abusive person from her life.

I am not sure your standard for friendship is but if my friends treated me as her father treated her, they would not be my friends. Some parents are great and cutting them off would be a loss, some parents should be cutt off ASAP. Parents are people too, being a parent doesn't make you a better person nor does it give you a free pass to be abusive. If anything it holds you to a higher standard.

I do hope you have a higher standard for your personal relationships than your advice implies.

RustyTavern
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: My Dad

Postby RustyTavern » Sun Jan 20, 2019 8:27 am

PigRabbit wrote:RustyTavern an abused child NEVER has to say sorry to his/her abuser regardless of who it is, parent or not. Say sorry to the person who abused you isn't an "opportunity " it is self-deprecation.

I did not dismiss your "advise" because of my own experience with this subject matter, i dismissed it because it is a harmful statement. Your inability to see that is not going to change that, nor with cursing. Telling someone who is concidering having to vut an abusive father out of her life that by doing so she "missed an opportunity " is implying that she is doing something wrong by cutting out an abusive person from her life.

I am not sure your standard for friendship is but if my friends treated me as her father treated her, they would not be my friends. Some parents are great and cutting them off would be a loss, some parents should be cutt off ASAP. Parents are people too, being a parent doesn't make you a better person nor does it give you a free pass to be abusive. If anything it holds you to a higher standard.

I do hope you have a higher standard for your personal relationships than your advice implies.


My comment is still correct in that both parties lost an opportunity. Plenty of parents are brutal; it can be much worse. Did you consider the % of the time that the Dad was abusive? 5% or 50% or 90%? I agree he's a poor Dad.


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