Final destination

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Final destination

Postby PaperGremlin » Thu Jun 28, 2018 1:06 am

June 28th

I don’t know where I could post this or who I could talk to about anymore, I know people say also turn to friends for advice but I can’t since I don’t want to recently my anxiety, depression and paranoia has completely overwhelmed me and taken over my life.

More days than not I’ve felt completely dead inside and I don’t feel like living on anymore. With each passing day I foresee my death happening and although it’s not the way to go I feel like it’ll be better and the pain would finally go away. I’ve lost my sanity, my life and everything I’ve ever cared for in a matter of days and my world just feels unbearable. I am an (Canadian/American) football player and been playing for the past 14 out of 23 years of my life and loved the game. Never watched it on tv but loved playing it. To put into retrospect on how I feel I had 2 games today and did not care for one single moment about either nor did I care about if we won or lost. There’s nothing in this world that can satisfy me anymore except for one thing which is also lost. I was told I’m a fool for making my life attached to someone else’s because you guys are your own people at the end of the day. I didn’t listen and when you started to dedicate your life to one person and they walk out, you lose all purpose of living in my opinion, which is sad. When you’re trying to give your all to someone and they tell you you’re all isn’t enough, it sucks all life out of you. I told myself if this doesn’t work I’ll never love again which is true I’ve lost all emotions and all my will power that I had to the point where I’m planning on giving up in life come October. Those will be my final moments and I would like to share them with you guys since the people I tell will try stopping me. I will make my death the last enjoyable moments ever. I plan on going to leaving my home town October 8th to go to Hawaii for 1 week before setting my sights on my final resting place which is japan. I will enjoy my final moments in a country I’ve always wanted to explore and end my one way trip at Aokigahara forest as referred to as suicide forest. I plan on finding the most entertaining mixes of drugs and alcohol and mixing them to potentially cause an overdose and since I’ll be in the forest it’ll be too late to go back and it’ll take too long to help me.

I never wanted anymore more in the world but to make her happy and I couldn’t even do that. I’ve lost everything and will eventually feel nothing.

I appreciate whomever took the time to actually read this, I hope you all the best and don’t give up hope like I did, I’m weak and I want to take the easy way out.

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Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:11 pm

Re: Final destination

Postby Peacebwu2017 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 3:37 pm

I am so sorry you are feeling such despair! Have you considered getting outside help for depression? I do know what it means to give your heart and be rejected, abused, abandoned. It does crush the soul and heart. It also makes us question our own value and worth when another doesn't care to see our all and our intents nor cherish us. It hurts us all whether male or female. I have seen men can completely go on a crash course after being broken hearted. You know what I found in that kind of man? He's a faithful man to be cherished. There are so many single hurting woman that have been used and abused by men that step all over their hearts and pray for a faithful good man. I hear that in you!
I recently went through another depression when life had one crisis after another hit our home. I have built a lot of skills over the year to capture thoughts and not allow others actions or beliefs to tear me down. I especially loved the skills obtained through dialectical behavior therapy. This most recent depression hit instantaneously out of a place of exhaustion. There wasn't the time to see it coming. I realized tools at that point weren't effective. I visited a church a few weeks ago and the answer to how to get out of that depression came in an instant. I waited awhile to announce it as I don't usually experience instant answers. It has been a few weeks now and I can say the principle works! I was looking at the pain, hurt and problems. I was exhausted and in that place not really able to take care of my own well being. I had insomnia. I wasn't eating a balance whole food diet. How I was caring for myself was secondary. I really just didn't care. On top of it I was eating lots of sugar foods and carbs. That will mess with hormones and moods within a day and highs and lows become worse. What I found wasn't the answer in capturing thoughts, eating, sleeping....all good things to prevent from depression taking root and getting deeper. I found looking back at the things I had overcome in the past, the blessings in recent past and worries I thought I wouldn't get over in the past that never came to fruition. We tend to look down instead of at hope and back at our successes. When I did that I found freedom.
I realize it's easier to give into depression as it looks to snuff out our life. However, I am of the belief that the torture you're feeling right now doesn't go away at death. Our body may die but our souls remain. We don't get to get out of pain. We either give into pain or we grow out of pain and learn to take control of our own lives and live the best life. We have to learn to step around pain and not let it win over us. It's not easy and it takes a lot of work! Sometimes it takes some looking at chemistry balance in our brains, hormones, etc. Thus, speaking to a doctor or therapist is helpful.

You have so much to offer! You were born for a purpose! It sounds like you have people that love and cherish you, if they'd stop you from suicide. Please don't allow depression to win! You are a conquerer, warrior, and your life is needed! Our world needs good faithful men to lead the way. Our feelings are indicators something needs attention. They were not meant to lead our decisions or lives. Enjoy these places of beauty and breath in the life. I pray you see the cherished creation you are soon!

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Re: Final destination

Postby Rose58 » Mon Jul 02, 2018 10:59 pm

I know what it's like to lose the one person who meant everything. It actually happened to me twice. My world came crashing in. I didn't want to go on. When it first happens the pain is excruciating. As time passes the view changes and it gets easier. I learned so much in these times. I learned that I could go on; that I was much stronger than I originally thought. Life became worth living again. It just took time. I would like to encourage you, to give you hope for your future. Something to remember, you have no idea what beautiful thing is coming your way, just around the corner. This is typical of life. It is full of wonderful things as well as great disappointment and sadness. It's the really hard times that make the wonderful times so great. Your life is extremely meaningful and you have no idea of the fantastic things you would be missing if you did not live out this gift of life that you have been given. I do hope you will take these words to heart and let hope spark again. Please, do not leave out the idea of talking to a counselor. Talking things out can definitely make a world of difference. We all need to do that. It helps us sort things out and eases the pain.

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Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 6:33 pm

Re: Final destination

Postby pupsmum » Wed Jul 11, 2018 7:33 pm

I am so sorry you're feeling so much pain. I was unceremoniously dumped by someone who I was sure was Mr. Right when I was in college. But I just got angry and buried my pain. It affected me for many years and with other losses and disappointments as well as a genetic disposition, it all led to my becoming depressed. But please don't give up on life. I'm 70 now and have had many great experiences in my life in spite of depression. I've also been in therapy and taken anti-depressants. While I can't say much good about the meds for my case, I can say that talk therapy and most recently Dialectical Behavior Therapy helped me.

I believe we all are here for a purpose, that we have a service to render to our fellow individuals. We need you. Hang on,since you're planning to wait until October, you can seek help first and not make Japan your final destination. Keep going, the pain will ease. Seek help in therapy.

I've been married for 35 years to a wonderful man with a servant's heart who loves me and takes care of me and puts up with my perfectionism (yes, I've got that too). We have two beautiful children who live in the same metro area as us. They are joys. Life will turn around. Give yourself time to heal before you date again. Say some prayers and know I'll say some for you too. All my best, Mr. Football Player.

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Joined: Thu May 24, 2018 1:11 am

Re: Final destination

Postby pearl » Thu Jul 12, 2018 1:28 pm

One look at this post, and I already feel a strand of undsrstanding materialize. I know how you feel. Almost, scratch that, EVERY DAMN TIME, I look in the mirror,my first thpught is idontwannabeyouanymore. But... I reached out. I snapped. I spilled, and even though the feelings always come rushing in, I have a sheild. I know this is certainly not the most healthy way to live, but I live to make one person feel loved by me, to feel inspired, to change ANYBODY'S life for the better. Another sheild (at first when I heard this, I was pissed, then..... it worked, just givs it a chance) is the 10/10 rule. 10 seconds or more to calm down, 10 things you are grateful for, and name about 10 things you are grateful for in 10 seconds. I kñow, it sounds prepostorous and possible appaling to rely on such a small thing, but.... if you remember, it does work. There is so much more i wanna say,but its 1AM here and I said i would sleep at 12am so, i will leave this small tidbit of info to hopefully help somebody, somewhere, someday. *to Mister Football Man* ^¤^ :D Best of luck,
Coraline F.

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Joined: Thu May 24, 2018 1:11 am

Re: Final destination

Postby pearl » Thu Jul 12, 2018 1:31 pm

Let me elaborate, sorry. I gave her my all, but she betrayed me. She gave my heart away. Shd tore me apart unknowingly and she saw it as for the greater good. She was always better with morals than i ever could be. That's where the understanding materializes.

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