It’s been a while since I posted to this forum.
Reading back on what I’ve wrote in the past, I’ve found that things have gotten slightly clear, making it more easier.
To be honest I don’t even know what I’m doing with myself half the time. Like I’m on cruise control, letting my car drive me. I recently learned from a family member that I will probably have depression for the rest of my life. I will probably be doing front flips through hoops of happiness until I’m old and fragile, my body slowly decaying.
Suicide is a tricky thing, it seems like the perfect solution, but it’s not. Throughout my many attempts I’ve realized it’s more work trying to kill myself than it isn’t. And when I get to the heart of the problem, it’s not that I want to die, I just want to see what the happy people see.
I have friends that go through little heaps of depression and I envy them. They bounce back so quickly, like falling into a ditch instead of a deep dark hole. The problems with myself are hard to fix.
One of my main problems I’ve come to accept is that I’m a pathological liar. And I can’t be honest for a day. Maybe to certain people I can, or if I’m venting my problems online to strangers, I can be honest. But I lie everyday. Little lies, big lies, unnecessary lies. Sometimes I lie so much I tend to believe my own lie and carry on. And I have to wonder why I feel little to no guilt. I want to feel guilty and yet I don’t. I only feel guilty when I’m
Caught, or if I hurt someone. And even then that guilt goes away. It’s like become apart of my mannerisms to lie. And the worst part is, they just slip out of me, and then I’m self consciously aware of myself lying and I tell myself, “no going back now” so it continues. And maybe I even told myself that it was okay because some truths don’t need to be told. Not everyone is 100% honest.
I wish I didn’t lie to others or myself. It’s like I try to find ways to keep putting myself under the bus as punishment. One thing I do believe is that my intentions are good, but then I just lie, like they’re all truths. I wonder if anyone else with depression also has this issue with themselves. Or how they feel about lies, what it does/means to them.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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Halo there, thanks for sharing. It takes courage. Have you ever consider talking to a counsellor or a therapist about some of the issues you wrote? It’s good that you know what are some of your weaknesses. Are you willing to talk to someone to help you overcome them?? Sometimes we do things that we may not be able to explain. It could have been stem from our childhood experience that make us who we are today. Do consider to let a professional help you. Keeping you in my prayer. God bless!
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