lonely and lost

[chocolateislove]

I never thought I'd get to a point where I felt the need to tell my story on a depression forum. I think I have reached a point where I need to let out exactly how I feel and this is the only place I can do it.

I am very lucky to have the life I have. I have a great family that care and support me. I have a grandma who is pretty much my best friend and would help me with anything. Even though I know all of this, I know it should make me appreciate my life but in the long run it doesn't make me feel any better when the depression overtakes. I have recently come out of a near 2 year relationship. It started like a fairytale, when I met him I was at my happiest. I was in my first year of university, not long moved to London and had made lots of amazing friends in my halls of residence. Some of these friends really helped me to come out of my shell and realise how beautiful life can be, and when I met my first serious boyfriend I could not have been happier. As soon as we met we knew we were going to be together, and it felt like I had known him my whole life.

Things soon started to change. University was getting more difficult, my friends moved back home or I didn't see them again after living in halls. In my third year I moved in with my boyfriend but the relationship had turned toxic. It was hurtful and unhealthy. We knew how much we loved each other but we could not get along. I am still trying my hardest to not let him back into my life as I know deep down that I need to get over him in order to move on and be happy with my life. But I wonder how can I do this when I am now suddenly living on my own in such a big city, I feel isolated and lonely. I refuse to turn back to a toxic relationship just because I am lonely. I know I have to push through.

I get told on a regular basis that I am different. I used to drink a lot and would go out to drink and party because socialising and having a good time and drinking was the only thing that made me feel happy. I love to meet new people. I get told that I am beautiful at least a few times a night. I will be on the dance floor and look around to see so many eyes staring at me. The attention I get gets very overwhelming to the point I feel suffocated. When just walking down the street I get stared at and I realise I should feel grateful and lucky for being blessed with good looks, but it gets to the point where I just want to hide away. I want to be able to go about my life without so much attention. This attention comes from strangers and for some reason makes me feel more isolated than ever. I feel like I stand out from the crowd and I even get told that I do. Some people have said to me I have a very interesting aura about me, and a high energy. At first I appreciated it and it made me feel very special. But now, because of the vast amount of people that have told me I am 'special' has made me feel very alone and different. I feel that I don't fit in with anybody. My ex boyfriend says that I am here for a special reason and that I am going to do something to help change the world one day. It sounds crazy I know but I do feel that I constantly try and help people. Strangers come to me asking for advice and telling me their life stories. I genuinely feel that sometimes I have changed people's lives for the better as I have seen it happen from afar, after they have had my help. I get told that to be who I am is a blessing and a curse.

I constantly think about how messed up the world is and how much I'd give for everybody to live in peace and harmony. Although I feel like I want to heal the world I feel like I cannot heal myself. I feel drained, exhausted, lonely and lost. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for and I am so so lucky to have had the life I have had so far. But this does not take away the feelings I have of loneliness and sadness. My friends are so far away and I even feel disconnected from them and that they do not understand me. I wonder what I do wrong when I think why I haven't got a best friend. I feel like everybody is always taking from me but nobody is ever there for me.

Writing this has made me feel slightly better as I needed to vent. I just wonder if I will ever meet anyone like me. I love to laugh and thrive on life experience but when I am low, I am extremely low. I have had suicidal thoughts but the thought of hurting my friends and family have stopped me.

Thank you to anyone that has taken time out to read this as I know it is very long. This is my first time of writing about my life and I feel like I could say so much more but I think this will do for now.

[100footpole]

What an interesting post. I am reminded of the scene in Deadpool where they guy says "In our house we all had to sleep in one room.", and his girlfriend said "You had a house!".

You sound like a really smart person. A lot of research has been done on what makes people happy. Look at that research, and then see if there are things in your life you want to try to change. It sounds like you have a good handle on what you need and want, but is hard to have the inner strength to carry through with those needs and wants.

A message that appears on here a lot is "love yourself, and everything else will follow." But how can you love someone that you don't like? By changing the person you are into someone you truly do like. And that is hard.

If you can do that and tell us about how you did it, Not only did you make yourself happier, you have opened the door for others.

Yes, that's what I'm doing with this post. I can't say that I have made peace with myself, but posting on here has shown me the thoughts that I want to encourage, and the ones that I want to discourage. I am just waiting for the negative thoughts to go away, kind of like you are with your boyfriend.

I am glad you felt a little better after your post.

[chocolateislove]

Thanks for an interesting reply.

I think I understand what you are trying to say with the quote from 'Deadpool'. Like I said I am very aware of how lucky I am in many aspects and areas of my life... I have began thinking of what I am grateful for every day. I read many articles and information about mindfulness, meditation yoga etc.. something I feel could help a great deal of people if they read into it also. I have yet to see any results, as I believe patience is a virtue and I have only just began trying it out.

I think negativity breeds negativity. I believe deeply in that what you think about you attract... the law of attraction etc... I have seen it first hand actually working for some people. But I wonder how are you supposed to change your thoughts that easily and stop the sadness and negative thoughts from consuming you? I guess thats why depression is so hard to explain to people that haven't experienced it. It is such a confusing illness and once you are stuck in a rut it's so hard to get back out of it. I also had my first major panic attack last year in the middle of central London... it was the scariest most confusing experience of my life. I genuinely thought I was going to die.

I agree with your thoughts on making peace with yourself, and that you must love yourself in order for everything else to follow. It is very hard... I think it is all down to our thoughts of ourselves and I wish I had the answers on how to be able to change those thoughts and believe them. I hope I will find them on this journey I feel I am going through currently

[chocolateislove]

Another note...

I think past experiences and childhood really do affect you in huge ways. I grew up from an early age with a family of excessive drinkers, that enjoyed a party too much that always ended in arguments and fights. My mum and dad had the most terrible arguments and fights especially after drinking me and my brother would wait for them to return home after a night of drinking scared of what was going to happen next. I think accepting your past and moving on from it is also something everybody has to do... and I'm not sure if I have yet. It has hurt me deeply and I believe has affected my thoughts on relationships, not just with a boyfriend but with friends... any kind of relationship. Maybe I need to figure out how to let go

[100footpole]

Since you are already researching mindfulness .... Consider the relationship between past, present, future. The difference between experience and possibility. The two edged sword of obsessive behavior.

I think that depression adds a chemical filter to these thoughts. I know that my intellectual acceptance of possibility is deeply effected by my experience. Anxiety is the difference between intelligence and emotions. Intelligence pulls you one way, experience pulls you another, and anxiety and fear are the result.

I think a lot of CBT is based on building communication and rapport between these different types of thoughts.

[chocolateislove]

I have a lot of anxiety at the moment due to the fact it is exam time and I have projects and deadlines due, therefore the pressure I feel I have on me has overridden every other kind of emotion. But on a brighter note, I actually feel somewhat better since my post. I look back and even though it was only a short time ago, it was such a dark place to be in and I really hope I don't go back there again. I have finally began to move on from my past relationship and haven't had sad thoughts about it lately which were so overwhelming before... I feel it is easing off

Thanks for explaining that to me. It makes a lot of sense. I think over thinking is also something I do way too much. Once my brain starts it doesn't seem to stop. Therefore quietening my thoughts by meditation etc I feel is the only way forward at the moment. (when I have time for it that is!) I hope you are well.

[100footpole]

Hi ChocolateisLove ,

I've been really busy for the past two weeks. There is turbulence in the lives of people around me, but I am trying to do a good job keeping just the right distance ... not disengaging, but not making their problems my problems when there is nothing I can do.

I didn't go read maistryinc's download. I don't buy into the idea of "spiritual warfare" ... I'm a materialist kind of guy. If I had more time on my hands I think I would look at the book and site and try to point out differences between Minesh & Nash Maistry and the therapists that I have given money to.

I am kind of skeptical in my thinking in that I don't trust a Dr. or attorney who recommend themselves. I would be happier if I could talk with someone who has recovered instead of the person who is selling the recovery.

[chocolateislove]

Yes I didn't read the download either, completely agree on whether to trust a Dr etc who recommends themselves.

I have been very busy too, and I have finally come to the realisation of what kind of person my ex boyfriend is and how he treated me. He was very controlling and manipulative, wasn't able of any empathy, or remorse for his actions. Realising this has affected me really badly, as I know I often look at the world through rose tinted glasses, I think because I can't very well accept the fact that there are bad people in the world. It upsets me that I don't understand how I could attract someone like that into my life, and it has changed my perception of others. I will now be very wary of anyone I meet, and I am afraid that I will build up a wall and find it even more difficult to trust people. Hopefully time will heal

[allseeingi]

It sounds to me like you have a self-image issue and despite acknowledging that people have told you you're attractive, deep-down you have no confidence in who you are and may even not like yourself.

If you don't like who you are, how can anyone else? This is my own dilemma and it may.or may not, be relevant to you.

In the past, I had a habit of attracting possessive and domineering partners. It seems to go hand-in-hand with low self-esteem. I did learn to avoid these toxic people once I began to realise I deserve better... and hopefully you will to.

I really can relate to your issues and while every situation is unique, I hope you don't mind me airing my thoughts here from time to time?

[100footpole]

allseeingi,

What a great post.

I did learn to avoid these toxic people once I began to realise I deserve better... and hopefully you will to.

Is not the same as being happy. I think a lot about the declaration of independence and "The Pursuit of happiness" rather than actually being happy.

I am so glad you are posting on here and look forward to responding to your future posts.

[chocolateislove]

Thanks for your post allseeingi. I would say that I am insecure, and completely get what you mean by how these kinds of people seem to prey on perhaps weaker.. insecure people.

But when you say you did learn to avoid these kinds of people, my problem is that dealing with someone such as this takes time.. as if it creeps up on you very slowly and you are unable to see what is going on for a long time. It's taken me two years anyway. I'm 23 and feel this is too much a young age to give up on the idea of relationships and I'm really hoping it hasn't scarred me too much.

Of course every thought and opinion is more than welcome on this post. I appreciate any response and the fact you relate to my issues is something that makes me feel better

[GlassHeart]

Your post started me thinking. You are right to try to stay out of toxic relationships. Some people think that being in a bad relationship is better than none. Sometimes, though, when we are seeking relationships out of emptiness, we don't always make the best choices.
You are still very young and have a lot going for you.
Nonetheless, I have endured the emptiness you are feeling and have been alone most of my life, partly out of choice. I am at a disadvantage because I moved to a very small town, and in my mid-40s there are very few single people my age.
But you still have time!
When I accepted being alone, I became more content with my situation and didn't try to fight it anymore. I'm at a loss because I am unemployed and grew up poor and disadvantaged, so surviving alone is becoming more difficult and my parents are elderly.
People say that when you are content with your life and doing something you enjoy - like having a career and independence - you are more likely to draw the right kind of people to you.
Personally, my depression is mostly situational and I lack resources to get myself out of a rough situation and have no one to help. So I feel alone, and I am isolated in a small town with few people I have anything in common with. For me it is near impossible to find a loving companion in such a difficult situation.
I know you must miss your boyfriend. That vacancy can be painful.
I know how it is to feel alone and like you don't fit in. I have endured this most of my life. Fortunately, you still have some time ahead to get your life closer to the way you want it to be. I wish you luck in your endeavors!
I hope this helps!

[100footpole]

GlassHeart, ChocolateIsLove,

This looks like a popular thread.

I would like to share two things I've recently read from a book by Gordon Livingston (a psychotherapist) called Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart.

First, Dr. Livingston asks us to think about why the nature of change seems negative. Bad things seem to happen immediately. Even if you obsess like I do on prevention, it seems that things change for the worse almost immediately (things break, plans fail, people disappoint). On the other hand immediate changes for good are mostly fantasy (win the lottery, plan works perfectly, people suddenly understand). We are all working for change for good, but even small differences in priorities mean it is hard work just to work together, much less actually making an actual change.

Second, Dr. Livingston points out that we often keep doing the same things even though they aren't really working, because we fail to recognize the rewards we are getting from our actions. I've been thinking about this a lot with respect to my personal life. I start lots of things, but it is so hard to finish. See point number 1, when the plan becomes incrementally harder than I expected I change course instead of doubling down and finishing up. Doubling down requires social support and encouragement, which cause us to make plans, but the ultimate reward has to come from inside ourselves. I think this is the grain of truth in this popular wisdom:

People say that when you are content with your life and doing something you enjoy - like having a career and independence - you are more likely to draw the right kind of people to you.

Look at the posts by JonsDragonEyes, The happiest I've ever been are the moments she writes about with nature.

Hugs.

[chocolateislove]

GlassHeart, thank you for your reply. I am very grateful for such sound advice.
I am sad that it seems like you feel as though it is too late for you to find a companion, or to turn your life in a different direction. Please don't believe that it is ever too late. Nobody deserves to feel alone, because none of us are alone. Just reading what you said made me feel that I do fit in, because people like you feel the same way and relate to my situation. I'm sending you strength and courage and an internet *hug* to let you know you are not alone.

[GlassHeart]

Thank you! *Hugs*