My Story

[MMac665]

I would like to share my story. I'm from Massachusetts, where I have live most of my life. I have depression and anxiety. I have always hated myself to the point where I often thought of suicide. The anxiety that I feel is that I can't stand in front of any crowd without physically shaking, so I avoid it at all costs. I don't really have any friends and live alone. I'm tired of being alone. I'm gay and my family is not accepting of it, so I have stayed alone and put up a fake front to try to keep them happy at my own expense. I'm not sure what else to put in here.

Thanks

[100footpole]

Hi MMac665,

You sound like a lot of us:

1) Depression & Anxiety
2) Self-loathing
3) Social anxiety
4) Lonely
5) Pretending (Not sure how different pretending to be straight and happy vs. just happy is ... so I acknowledge that gayness does add a twist. On the other hand we all have doubts about getting and keeping a lover).

Do you have any recommendations or tricks for dealing with the above? It may be a little different in Ma, then other places, but few of us have been happy with the help we receive from the medical community. Drugs do help with the Depression & Anxiety, but they don't seem to help with the loathing, loneliness, or dissatisfaction of pretending.

Have you read any of the other threads? Anything on there look doable?

Please write again, and tell us what you're doing to try to adapt and get better.

[MMac665]

I haven't really tried a whole lot to overcome the way I feel, sadly. I am realizing that I can't continue on this way. I realize that I will have to speak with my primary care physician about various treatments.

Until then, I know I should get out and try to be more "sociable." A club is located in the city where I live. I have only been there once or twice the last several years. In short, I guess I should try to get involved in more activities outside of just going to work and coming home.

[nenkohai2]

Hi MMac,

You said: "I haven't really tried a whole lot to overcome the way I feel, sadly. I am realizing that I can't continue on this way. I realize that I will have to speak with my primary care physician about various treatments. "

My thought (okay, opinion, really) is that you should make getting to your PCP a priority. It's not a selfish thing to do. By being the best you, you are a joy to others. So, make it a priority.

Let us know how it goes.

Best

n

[100footpole]

Your statement "You are a joy to others" has been true for me.

People have thanked me for helping them, but with depression I don't hear or believe them. Meds help me get over that doubt.

Reality never works out all the time. I am still obsessing about a risk I took last Wednesday, and how it "didn't work out". But that is all. My expectations weren't met. I felt foolish, I'm re-thinking what I could have said, but in the end all I did was mumble and have to repeat myself. I've been doing that for 58 years, things are not worse than they were.

It is hard to talk to your primary care physician, and it is hard to be honest about how much you hurt. I recommend that you research medicines for anxiety and depression before you go. Look at the comments on how the medicines affected people, and then make a list of positives and negatives for what you think would work for you. Explain to your Dr. that it easier to talk about what worked for other people in the same way you might look up symptoms for any other disease. My insurance coverage only covers the cost of generic drugs. I have found that I need to take higher doses of these than the name brands. My Dr. respected my opinion on this, he trusts me to know how I feel. Make sure that you trust your physician to work with you on that.

At one point my physician sent me over to a psychiatrist, who was not a good listener, and who I didn't trust. I went back to my Dr. and he agreed to work with me. Have this conversation with your Dr. too, find out whose side he is on.

With respect to the "clubs" ... there have to be other options for you to meet people. Think about your interests and activities. Reading, Movies, Games, Theater, Music, Eating Out. The clubs are fun to go to WITH people, but in my experience they can be risky to go to alone.

Thanks for coming back. Please keep us in the loop.

[MMac665]

I'm not bothered too much by it. I don't agree that spam bots should be on this site.

This week has been rather busy. Work is busy as usual. I have been doing better this week at eating healthier and going to exercise. I have a goal of loosing 20 to 25 pounds. I am down about four pounds to date.

[100footpole]

Hey MMac,

My take on dieting is a lot like my take on getting things done: Focus on the positive. Your goal should be secondary to your habits. You can lose the weight by CONTROLLING your habits instead of changing them. Then when you reach your goal it is just a matter of time until something triggers those old habits, and we both know that our bodies like to put weight on, and are reluctant to lose it.

Diet and Exercise are not only the keys to weight loss, they are significant factors in self-treatment for depression. This is the voice of experience speaking

Choose which of the two things you want to worry about first: diet or exercise. Then find something that works ... that you like. For exercise find something that works for you. Walking and observing is what I like to do. I have several routes, and I like to write about what I observe in nature while I walk. What you like may be different. Research different fitness programs ... there is one that will work for you.

Similarly research is the key to diet. Research why junk food is bad for you. There is an industry out there looking to chemically manipulate you. Once you understand the biological hooks the industry is using, look for alternatives. Again, it is better to have a more healthy option that you can live with then forcing yourself to eat healthy. Freeze dried foods have been a good compromise for me.

Record keeping helps with this. Stay away from the scale ... write down what you eat, look for the calories and components. You will know what is healthy or not, look for alternatives that you enjoy.

Congratulations on your weight loss. It shows you are strong. I wrote all this because my weight has yoyo-ed over the years. I have gone as long as a year and a half obtaining a weight and keeping it, but when my circumstances trigger my eating ... its ice cream sprinkled with crushed potato chips again. By the way I do treat myself to whatever size bowl I want once a month, but with the understanding that it is ONLY once a month. I have found that originally I binged, but I have got down to two scoops of ice cream, and I relax, enjoy the experience, and plan what kind of ice cream I am going to get when I run out in a month or two.

[MMac665]

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been making small changes to what I eat. Making small changes and being more aware of what I consume has helped a lot. I've been trying to eat more fruit and vegetables and less junk food and alcohol. Also, when I order out I have been trying to order more healthy foods. Tonight I ate out and ordered salmon with vegetables and a salad.

I don't mind exercising. It gets me out of the house and helps keep me active. It also forces me to try to be social, instead of coming home from work and staying home.

I think the biggest thing for me is putting these two things together, exercise and eating well. I always liked to eat "real food," such as pizza, a burger and fries, etc. Changing what I eat along with being active has always been the hardest challenge. My goal is to try to lose close to 20 pounds by the end of April

[100footpole]

Sounds like you are doing great.

Exercise is a great release. I've been using a treadmill this winter, and I've moved from 30 minutes to 45. I listen to podcasts.

The social aspects of exercise are great if you can connect. Don't get me started on gym rats

I find that cutting back on alcohol is the best way for me to keep my focus, I try to keep the nights I decide to drink constant, and give myself props for self-control when it occurs.

Good to hear from you.

[MMac665]

I have been cutting back on alcohol as well. I have not been much of a drinker anyway other than special occasions, so it was not too hard to cut that back a little more. I never had an issue with exercising, I don't mind going to the gym. My biggest thing was food. I like "real food" such as lasagna, pizza, burgers and such. That was the biggest obstacle with me and trying to loose weight. I am putting a bigger effort now into eating more plant based foods such as fruits and vegetables and less high fat and high carb foods. The results are becoming more steady. I am up to seven pounds lost.

[Cinderella]

I hope you don't mind a "newbie" joining in to your conversation. I also deal with anxiety and depression. Sometimes I control 'it", and sometimes "it" controls me. Having been hospitalized briefly, for an attempted suicide, I now realize how much there is to live for. I've discovered what my "triggers" are, and found some coping techniques. I do find that keeping a journal helps me a lot. You have been writing about losing weight and working out. I have to agree that getting yourself into better shape and eating healthier is a very important part of dealing with the issues we have. Do you have any idea why you feel such anxiety in a crowd?Are you uncomfortable being in the spotlight? Do you avoid making friends because you have trust issues? Are you comfortable with the person you are? If not, why? Have you always felt this way or did some traumatic event bring it on? I'm not a psychiatrist or a professional, by any means. These questions are simply some of the ones you can use to better understand yourself.
Congrats on the weight loss, BTW. Be proud of yourself. Every positive thing you do, is a major breakthrough, and a step toward enjoying life.

[MMac665]

I don't mind at all you coming into the conversation. To answer a few of your questions. I do avoid the spotlight and do not like being the center of attention. I have always somewhat been the quiet type and making friends has never been easy for me. I am not comfortable in bigger crowds. I have a journal on my computer. It is called Alpha Journal. I have been keeping journals on it since 1998. I have been joining some social groups in hopes to meet new people.