I'm lost

[MundaneReality]

I suffer from depression and possible social anxiety.
I am a 16 year old girl, almost 17 and my family know about the depression. I couldn't go to consoling because of costs and travel issues and I don't want to go onto medication at such a young age.

I get back, shoulder and neck pain. It used to be mainly from my shoulders to the middle of my back but now it changes from the top and middle to the bottom and middle. It would only happen when I had to walk a lot but now it happens randomly. The doctor said they would refer me to a specialist but they have yet to do so after about a year. I also get chest pain with this and it scares me. The back pain starts first and then the chest pain comes after if it gets bad enough. My family don't understand as much as I wish they would. I went out with my aunt, sister, her boyfriend and my mother recently.

I was forced to walk a very long way when we could have just gone to a nearer shop and my aunt could have got what she wanted on another day. I got back pain and my aunt thought I was lying about it. I only found out because my mom told me she had said that behind my back. Then then chest pain started and I felt like I was having a heart attack. We had to wait a hour for a taxi in the freezing cold while I could only sit on a wall. I was asked if I was alright but I wasn't comforted much at all.

My mom only recently found out about my depression and she thinks just because I seem to be ok that it's already getting better when secretly I break down in the night crying or thinking about suicide. I watch youtuber videos to cheer myself up but my mom gets angry at me for being on there too long. I can't even draw anymore, I can't think of anything because my mind is too distracted. The back pain causes me to walk with a straighter back then other people. I was bullied for it. My mom was insensitive about it. I tried to walk normally but it put me in agony. She acts as if all of these problems are my fault.
I lied to her about going to college one day and had to tell her about my depression afterwards. I decided to find another college since it wasn't doing anything for me but now my mom always acts as if the depression is something I can control. I only lied because I was being bullied and couldn't deal with it. One day I almost walked out in front of a car. When my mom and sister go shopping, I stay home and hold a knife to my chest. I only have not done it because I don't want to upset my family.
My dad already left in 2013 due to his 'friends' trying to kill him and him having to leave for his and our safety. I have seen him 3 times since then. It has been 7 months since I last saw him. My mom and dad can't work because my mom has bad nerves and my dad has chest problems because he used to work so much. In my life I was bullied for a total of 12 years on and off. I was alone during primary school since my friends had betrayed me. I didn't do anything wrong to anyone I was just different.

My mother gets angry easily. She grabbed my arms and they were red. She threw a brush at me. She almost pushed me into a bath and almost down the stairs. She has sworn at me and been verbally abusive in the past. I barely see my sister anymore. She is always out with her boyfriend or working. Her boyfriend is one of those people who fake smile all the time. It bothers me. My mother always complains about her life saying ''Maybe it will end when I'm dead'' yet the problems she complains about are my problems. I feel alone in the world and I start crying when I don't even know why. Even when I'm laughing I feel sad.

I'm sorry. I know people have much worse lives than this but it hurts. It hurts so much. I can't sleep, I had to leave college and I can't even express my feelings to my own mother. My friends do not bother with me. Only my boyfriend does but I am scared to tell my family about him. When I told my mother I knew a boy as a friend she had assumed and asked if I had been having sex with him. I was disgusted. I don't act like that at all and would not want to. I haven't even kissed him yet and we have been together for a few months now. He's very kind and funny but I'm scared I will just get hurt or that I won't be good enough for him.
I want to be happy again and all I can do is sit alone crying in my room while everyone else is asleep like I am now. I don't even believe in god so I have no silver lining in my life. Help me.

[WillieWillieHH]

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you should go back to a doctor and tell everything pain you feel. I hope your mother will realize that you're in a bad situation.