when i was a kid i didnt care for attention or who gets what in the family. as long as it seems fair enough, i dont care. I come from a large family many sisters and many brothers - im asian (this somehow makes sense to us). i let them decide for me, but more or less they dictated and i guess from too tired to always argue with them i found it just easier to say yes and just be done with it. I was a kid here and come teen years i could never see any harm effects this might cause me. I was bright, good with academics, also passive with my parents this was a combo that i believe is a precedence to my dilemma now. I might have been deemed self sufficient then and left alone.
when i was in high school, my interest was in the arts... it was frowned up upon and i ended up with accounting. also at this stage i had severe bouts of insomnia for 2 yrs starting sophomore i only slept on average 4 hrs a night. I didnt think why (im a teenager) my mother just said i was overthinking stuff and that i should try to be relaxed but she also wanted me to outranked the #1 in class. i did as i was told.
college was a revelation... in others i saw my big difference. where thousands converge, i was one of the few specially different. i learned of different families from my own, i learned of a kinder version of a mother, a father, sisters and brothers. i knew there were far worst from mine but i became sad of why i didnt have better or why their family couldnt have been just like ours. i also learned here that i hate accounting (but i went ahead seeing i only had 2 yrs to finish it... i still had good grades, damn!)
by this time i had notice my mood swings, i get overexcited and optimist and some way out i get overly sad... but looking back this had a huge gap of okay-ness in between.
when i started working i started to get plagued by feelings of utter uselessness, i was doing an outsourcing job that was so monotonous and started to dream of my own dream - i wanted to be a fashion designer. i ended up resigning from 3 major companies taking up a part time jobs of meager compensation and arrived at this point. Right now im proud of one thing. I still have the dream and its about to materialize in 3 months time i will finish my course in fashion designing. And here is what im up againts... i have left everyone i know of or have to get this chance to study but my family thinks that this is an utter waste of my time, they have no problem showing it to me, also it appears im going to have a hard time getting a fashion design job in the phils without rich connections (im working class) and i have burnt out my patience with the call center and outsourcing world (i will never accept anything but a fashion job) and last i have never felt such huge spikes of ups and downs and the gaps are just weeks now, i have thought of suicide....and right now, literally right now is my moment of desperation.
I wanted to talk to someone and see if anothers point of view might help... but i cant get anyone to talk to me. so i hope somebody can read this.... and answer me
Is it my fault?
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Hi ema,
It's good that you found this site, and posted your dilemma. I'd hate to see you give up, and wind up doing something that you can't take back.
Although, you might not feel it now, there IS hope!
My advice to you would be to follow your dream. Even if you can't do it yet as a full-time job, I'd definitely work at it part-time until your fashion designing gains notice. Don't worry about what others say- that only people with "rich connections" succeed! This isn't true. Perhaps it is true from their own point of view, but their point of view does not define your success. Neither can the opinions of others frame your future.
However, I'm concerned about your depression interfering. Have you seen someone about the extreme highs and lows you're experiencing? This might be a good idea, especially due to suicidal thoughts.
You're not alone in this, Ema. There are many others who are dealing with this kind of pain. Some get help, while others do not. But, talking to someone sure wouldn't hurt, you know? There are also medications that help with the ups and downs by stabilizing the mood.
Please stick around, and let us know how you're doing. As long as you're living, there is hope. Who knows where you'll be 5 to 10 years from now?! You may just find yourself successful and living out your dreams.
It's good that you found this site, and posted your dilemma. I'd hate to see you give up, and wind up doing something that you can't take back.
Although, you might not feel it now, there IS hope!
My advice to you would be to follow your dream. Even if you can't do it yet as a full-time job, I'd definitely work at it part-time until your fashion designing gains notice. Don't worry about what others say- that only people with "rich connections" succeed! This isn't true. Perhaps it is true from their own point of view, but their point of view does not define your success. Neither can the opinions of others frame your future.
However, I'm concerned about your depression interfering. Have you seen someone about the extreme highs and lows you're experiencing? This might be a good idea, especially due to suicidal thoughts.
You're not alone in this, Ema. There are many others who are dealing with this kind of pain. Some get help, while others do not. But, talking to someone sure wouldn't hurt, you know? There are also medications that help with the ups and downs by stabilizing the mood.
Please stick around, and let us know how you're doing. As long as you're living, there is hope. Who knows where you'll be 5 to 10 years from now?! You may just find yourself successful and living out your dreams.
thank you for the kind words, they are a comfort. i'm actually trying to get an intervention from my family... but i think i'm failing. as of my abandonment issues playing along since my mother left 4 days ago. i had successfully unfriended most of my fam members at FB. i was so angry and agitated it just happened. Now i feel like everyone hates me and think i'm an attention grabber. i'm spiraling i have vengeful angst... its not reasonable but somehow my logical compass doesnt get it.
my sister offered some help, but i hate her i feel she betrayed me, i dont want to go to her. i think she enjoys hurting me. its not easy to get medication and to be diagnose here in the philippines... i know i need their help.... but im pushing them away with my anger at the same time want them to come to my rescue even more.... that doesnt make sense but its whats happening.
i want to smash things, but then just cry from these thoughts.
This is just an idea, but can you write down your feelings and emotions as civilly possible, leaving out name calling? If you would write out your emotions in a safe manner, and then give them to your family members to read, maybe that would be a start.
When you write out this letter(s), leave out any obscenities. Write down how you feel and WHY you feel that way. Sometimes, this helps to sort of 'break the ice,'
Verbal communication is often the best way. But,
if emotion cannot be conveyed in a peaceful manner, you might try the other route.
Does this make any sense?
Perhaps, they don't even know exactly what's bothering you so much!
Express your feelings and complaints in a calm way, and see how they respond.
Another idea is to meet with each of them individually. In this sense, you won't feel that it's you against them or them against you.
Sometimes, people hurt us without even knowing it. That's why there has to be honest, mature and civilized conversation. Anything less, will not resolve the issue. It will only serve to make a stressful matter worse.
I wish you all forgiveness, peace and harmony.
Give it a try, and try not to lose your temper!
When you write out this letter(s), leave out any obscenities. Write down how you feel and WHY you feel that way. Sometimes, this helps to sort of 'break the ice,'
Verbal communication is often the best way. But,
if emotion cannot be conveyed in a peaceful manner, you might try the other route.
Does this make any sense?
Perhaps, they don't even know exactly what's bothering you so much!
Express your feelings and complaints in a calm way, and see how they respond.
Another idea is to meet with each of them individually. In this sense, you won't feel that it's you against them or them against you.
Sometimes, people hurt us without even knowing it. That's why there has to be honest, mature and civilized conversation. Anything less, will not resolve the issue. It will only serve to make a stressful matter worse.
I wish you all forgiveness, peace and harmony.
Give it a try, and try not to lose your temper!
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