betrayal...and refusing it.

[pearl]

Okay. Let's start 'with the facts' as my therapist likes to say. I had a very trusted teacher who i told many of my deepest thoughts. She was the first person not to throw shade at my emotions as well as act with as little prejudice as possible. Honestly, I loved her, like she was a mother to me. One day, I got over one of my greatest fears, and told her about my depression. For a month, she did not tell anyone, even the counselor, only gave me a referral to her, and introduced me to her. A few days after, we had a very close moment, where I felt like we really were mother & daughter. Then, a couple of days later, I showed her a poem, called Apostasy. Sadly, and stupidly of me, I had forgot this was a teacher I was showing this, and that this had a noose next to the poem. Damn me, right?
Anyways, she had to take me to my school's office, and show them the poem, and my journal (with my deepest thoughts in it). I remembered the code of confidentiality, in the counselors office. All staff are obligated not to say crap, unless it involved harm. Obviously, that's what the picture was. In the aforementioned notebook, I had a hand-drawn pic of Sayori (ddlc) in the hanging scene, 20 of my poems (about depression) and other very very bad stuff to be caught red-handed with. All of the more pressing things were photocopied. my parents were notified, and I had to go to the mental hospital.(more on that, if I make a next post). I had to see a psychologist from the hospital. I'm back at school now, and I have more shit I need to tell someone, but I don't have a therapist. (yet)
My real question is if it's safe to tell this teacher, even after this. i feel betrayed, but she had told NOTHING before this incident, and I already have 'help'. I need to tell someone, and I feel as if exploding.
if you can, plz respond w/ ur experience. also, if you are going to dm, i am new here, and very inexperienced. i would appreciate help, if that's the way you choose to be.

[Rose58]

Hello Pearl, I really like your profile name. I have dealt with depression in my own life and with my mom. She suffered from severe depression at times. I was the oldest child at home and my dad was either at work or in denial of her condition. It sounds like you had such a good relationship with your teacher. I would think that you could still trust her since you could before. Having someone that you can share your heart with is so important. That was a rare thing for me. I think it is rare for most.

[pearl]

Hello Rose! Thanks for responding. I love your username too. You're right, finding someone that I trusted was hard. She's encouraging me to be open to therapy, (which my counselor has already signed me up for) and I'm not sure how effective it is. I've been doing research, but I prefer hearing about it from experience and not studies.
Thanks, Pearl.

[LittleThings]

This post has been deleted.

[pearl]

Well, I'm hoping somebody can tell me if therapy is affective. Everybody I've talked to ( in irl) is pro therapy, but they are all trained almost, to say that therapy is a good thing. I'm hoping somebody can tell me the pros & cons of therapy, and from experience, how effective it is.
Thanks, Pearl

[Clayjars]

It sounds like your teacher is thoughtful and caring about you. I know you feel betrayed, but she acted out of love and concern for you. Until you find a therapist, I think you should continue to talk to her.

[LittleThings]

This post has been deleted.

[Rose58]

Hey Pearl, I have had some therapy and it was definitely helpful. Staying with it for a decent amount of time is important. I believe there is a better chance of a good outcome if we give some trust from the beginning; at least to trust that the therapist wants to help as much as you want help. I know that some counsellors are better at their job than others. A counsellor may not have the same experiences as you but I believe can still relate to some degree. Their training is extremely helpful for them. They also have much experience and learning with counselling a lot of people. This training is very important and extremely helpful. I have shared experiences with friends and that was helpful but it can be even better to have a trained professional lead you through the maze of things that you may not understand or even remember. I believe we have countless experiences as children and young adults that are not understood so we pack them up and send them to the far recesses of our heart A counsellor can help unpack those things and air them out; then help decided what can be done with them. I believe that counselling is always better than no counselling, hands down. With all that said, I know that it's not at all easy to open up your insides to someone. It made me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable in the beginning. I have also learned that great growth came from me stepping out of my comfort zone. I wish you all the best.

[pearl]

Thanks everybody for responding I got a therapist, and even if it isn't as effective as a lot of people I've talked to have claimed, it actually is helping! But, here's the thing... I, sigh, literally can't stop thinking about the betrayal... back to square one, it looks like.
Before, I used to be able to sleep knowing that somebody appreciates my existence, somebody who isn't obligated to tell me that, and know I can't sleep because I know that I can never rely on someone like I did her again. I used to wake up in the morning, eager to see her again, taking in her kind words like a flower absorbing sunshine. Now, I don't want to wake up, only to constantly be able to think about nothing BUT her. Every damn thing, from a priest to anything that's purple (her favorite color), reminds me of her. Almost every waking moment is spent thinking about mainly, why? Why did she betray me, why didn't I listen when my friends told me not to trust her, why didn't I realize that by encouraging me to go to the counselor, she was insuring nothing like this could happen, and most acutely, why did I have to put her in such a precarious situation?'
If you've noticed, I idolize her. The thing is, I think she thinks ,for some obscure reason, that the betrayal didn't affect me as much as it did. She thinks I can continue in the same matter to talk freely with her, and to still continue on like i did before. But, I obviously can't. I'm also on summer break, so all the more time for me to think about her... Jesus, I sound like a goddamn stalker or something. But, she never even judged me for that. Even my own mother judged me a little for that... Or at least, she (the teacher) is very good at hiding it.
I don't even know why I'm publishing this for the whole world to ogle at... I don't even know what I'm asking for. it's not like every other human being comes packaged with a f**king obsession for a person who didn't even trust you enough to tell you her own secrets. I guess I'm asking for advice on how to get over it. The only good thing that came out of this, is my father has his flames on the off setting, because he's afraid of Social Services. TBH, I am too. But anyways, that already a lot of info to process, I'll just leave it here....

[Cactus.ly]

Hi Pearl; I'm glad you got a therapist. Therapy, in general, is a good thing, but every therapist isn't a good fit for every patient who walks in. I've had to let go of some therapists. If you don't feel like you are growing, feel free to raise your concerns with the therapist (or parent/guardian/adult you can trust) and request another therapist if neccessary. Though it sounds like you have a situation that's serving you pretty well for the time being

[pearl]

You know what my therapist told me a couple of days ago? "I don't think you're depressed" I bit my tongue because these are family counseler sessions and my mother was there. Today, all I could think about was orchestrating this whole scene where I manipulate the teacher by threating my life into telling me if she regrets doing what she did, and telling her how much it broke me. My heart isn't even intact anymore. I feel like a f****** android. blue lips blue veins blue, the
color of our planet from far far away. Blue face, blue the color of my dace as I suffocate .....