My first post here

[Olive]

Hey y’all

I just joined the forum today. I was just looking to have other people struggling with depression (and mental illness in general) that I can relate with because irl I don’t really know anyone who has MDD.

I’ve had a rough last year; I had to leave school, end a three year relationship, lost a bunch of friends, had meds trigger a *substance induced mood disorder w manic features*, and I have not been doing much, just wasteing away a bit trying to feel something, or feel something consistently and stuff.

I feel angry sometimes feeling like everyone I know has abandoned me even though my family has been close by this whole time. I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling that way but I just feel like no one has the energy to deal with me. My mood swings are just unfortunately sporadic some days and I have small two week periods that feel like actual depressive episodes, just maybe not last long enough. But it’s like I am always really depressed so those are the times the depression just gets to where I don’t move out of bed much and stuff. Because of this I isolate myself or have alienated myself from people cuz I guess I’ve had periods of extreme behavior.

I feel pretty dogged by now, and very lonely, so I just wanted to say hi and see if I can’t share what I’ve learned about depression over the last decade and learn from other people who’ve know the suffering and emptiness.

My internet name is Olive, I hope it’s okay I don’t use my real name, and I’m 27, currently out of work and school. I like writing, playing music, and going for walks. I like coffee.

[AnneW]

Welcome Olive!
I just joined today too. I was glad to find this forum. There's a place here where people post their artwork and poetry as well as songs! I'll bet you will find that a wonderful place to share your creativity.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for a very long time. Negative experiences, poor decisions...the wrong place at the wrong time. I think some of it is genetic. I think my Mom was bipolar. I can relate to much of what you said. I often think my episodes are cyclical. I take meds. If I miss a few doses over a few days I plummet into the black hole that is always with me. I have to work to stay above it. Some days are better than others but that is likely not unfamiliar to you. I don't take it day-by-day. I take it hour-by-hour.
I too have mood swings that people find hard to understand. I feel as though no one is listening!! It leads to anger issues. I try to express myself because I have learned internalizing and repressing leads to a negative outcome. I don't think it is that people don't care. They just don't understand and perhaps don't care to because they have their own lives/problems. I don't know. I think people fear what they don't understand. It's difficult for someone to relate to us when they do not deal with the same issues we do. The people who love you might find it difficult to see you in pain. In 2014 I learned I have a rare form of leukemia. When I told my sister she said nothing and has never even said the word! It's just too much for her. I can see how painful it is for her to see me struggling so terribly. Some things must be swept under the rug where they remain until the end of time!! (Joke...)
If you talked to me I would listen. If you ever want to talk I'm cool with that!

I've read a bunch of posts here and find I can relate to everyone. It is as though I'm reading my own words! That tells me I'm not alone. That tells me I'm not crazy or useless. That tells me I'm human and I'm worthy; important, precious. So are you!

I love music. I play guitar. I don't write well but do. (I posted some really bad poetry today!) Come to think of it I don't play guitar all that well either but I'll play on until I can't!!! LOL! I paint and draw both commercially and for my sanity. I used to go for walks when I lived in the country. I used to drink coffee......now it's half-caff when I want to rebel! (LOL again. I'm not supposed to have caffeine due to health issues!)

I wish you nothing but the best Olive!! Always! Peace!!! <3 \m/

[Olive]

Hi Anne ^.^ welcome to you too :)

\m/ >.< \m/

Thanks for replying :) It helped pick my mood up a bit to have someone to respond to.
I saw there was a section for art, and I think that’s the cleverest subsection I’ve ever seen on a forum. Maybe I’ll get around to posting in there :0 but I haven’t written in so long. Last week was the first time I wrote poetry all year, which is sad cuz I used to think of myself as a poet. I may, though, if not just to contribute. Can’t wait to see you over there too ^.^

I am so sorry to hear how you’re struggling. I am so grateful I don’t have to take it hour by hour anymore. Right now I feel like I shut off, feel angry and can’t move much. I don’t mean to presume, but I can imagine you’ve seen darker times, and you can get through these darks times, too. At least your still above taking it minute to minute, I know that’s cold consolation. I cannot dream of where I’d be without meds: me being functional enough to want to even try reaching out to other people was impossible before. Thank goodness for them. I too have looked around at posts and found everything so relatable. It’s amazing how much energy and focus it takes from sliding into that black water :/ I am amazed at anyone who can push on. So thank you for pushing on. Like you said, seeing I’m not the only one is inspiring and comforting :)

One of the hardest truths I’ve found is that unfortunately, people can only follow us so far into the illness. You’re right to say they can’t understand. I sometimes, selfishly, I could just give it to someone for thirty seconds so they could know the difference, just because I get frustrated because I can’t explain it, and they get frustrated because they can’t understand it. In the end I’ve decided society wasn’t made for me, so I can’t count on it anymore. It’s unfair we have to carry what we do. But lol like isn’t fair, huh.

When I tell people I will be there for them, I mean no matter what. I’ve been in fights with people but they had a crisis and I would put that aside to be there for them. This is why I think I get angry with people: they don’t understand the intensity.. everything seems blown out of proportion. You are very wise to point out they have their own lives :/ it’s something I’ll need to really remember. This is why I looked for a place like this, because I don’t want to inflict myself on people anymore. I wanna find a way to get a hold of things better.

I am sorry to hear you have leukemia. You must be a terribly strong person, to pull yourself forward and still have room in your heart to empathize with your sister. I hope I can be that strong someday. And I hope your treatments are going well (I don’t know how leuikeninia works :/ I’m sorry!)

I do hope we get to chat ^.^ Music has been keeping me sane tge last couple weeks. It helps me... reach an equilibrium. Loud music straight into my brain neutralizes a loud brain. I play guitar, too :) and erm I am not good with painting at all. You must be super creative ^.^

Thanks for your words of inspiration, Anne, I would agree: you are not crazy, worthless or invalid. You sound awesome !

The same offer to you, if you ever wanna talk feel free ^.^

~Olive

[nightingale77]

Hey Olive, welcome and thanks for sharing your situation on this platform. You are such a blessing to this community. While I can read that you are going a lot at this moment, but you chanelled that energy towards connecting with others who are suffering too. I’m greatly encouraged by your courageous gestures and see things beyond your circumstance. Me too suffered a few years of depression and anxiety. These days I’m better in regulating my emotions and moods when triggers arise. But I do have bad days. And when it happens, I read, i listen to sermon, I exercise and I rock paint. We are here for each other and I’m glad to have you in this healing journey. Take care and God bless!

[j2415]

Hi Olive- I’m happy to meet you and welcome to the group

I have a friend who had depression for a year, according to her getting up from bed is her struggle every day. It’s been a tough year for her, her family and job had been affected by her depression. According to her, she’s lost and searching for peace until she decided to join a support group that she meets up once a week and since then she felt less lonely. Her moods were improved and she’s not isolated anymore. Try to connect with your local church for a support group or your community, I hope it will work for you too.

Depression is treatable with right medication and therapy. Please check with your doctor regularly and tell your symptoms. I hope you will get better soon. Thank you for sharing. Take care and God bless.

[Olive]

Thank you Nightingale and J :)

@ Nightingale

Thank you for your very kind words :) that means so much to hear. When things are at their worst and I just don’t know what the point of all the suffering is, I can accept it easier when I think how suffering can make people more empathetic and compassionate, so I hope to be able to add to the community :) I’m glad you feel like you’re doing well :) that must be a relief, and a hard fought one! I hope to get there myself soon too :)

Thank you again ^.^

@ J

I’m really glad to hear your friend found a group :) even though I bet things are still difficult for her it sounds like she is smart and capable :)

Thank you so much for the advice. I hadn’t thought about finding a support group and I think I will make that my project tomorrow :) it sounds like it would be really helpful .

Thank you for your kind words!