I used to be confident, I used to be strong...

[seekingpurpose2018]

I've been seeking a "place" like this, somewhere that venting and disclosing the ugly side of my psyche isn't disregarded or judged. The truth is I used to be that "safe" place for so many others but never fully received the equivalent support. Why? I don't understand, to be honest, and I am feel deceived and depleted all at once.

The last 3 years has had out of control circumstances pepper my reality. Cancer scare, then struggle to pay for major surgery, that only plunged further into doubt if I would ever have kids, ever have relationship in the first place. But I strived through that only to be knocked into a support mode for my entire family dealing with my father's sudden stroke and residual illness. Became the hero through all of that period, thank God, only to wake up after medical leave middle-aged, underachieved, overworked, underpaid, misunderstood, constantly deceived, and isolated.

What happened? My mentors and inner circle had all but vanished. Attempts to build new experiences, friendships, adventures brought more pain and grief than hope.

Therapist have been horrible. Usually rushed, most very judgmental and dismissive. I've always been told I don't ask for help, to which not enough expletive power to refute that. I guess that is neither here nor there now...

Now, I have been making changes, because at my core, I am fighter. Have always been for myself and others, but now that is just draining me. I don't what I am fighting for anymore. I wish I knew how to give up, may be that would be a start to get "help" from specialist. I don't have any thing to care about anymore, never had anyone really to care for except the few family members who have been so keen for me to "stop neglecting faith", "just get over it", "stop talking about", accept "its your fault" where you are anyway cause you don't do anything different...or act like me and ignore = suppress.

I have been perpetually angry, fatigued, foggy minded... yet still some percentage of functioning. So yeah, functionally depressed, with conditional anxiety? But am I supposed to do about this?

I am sick and tired of this existence. All I want to do is run away, start fresh somewhere, but there is the other pain...no resources, no funds, no help - again. Looks like from other posts here, "functional depression and anxiety" is a place n life too many identify. And although this substantiates vain passivists statement, "It's not just you, you are note alone", well duh, of course that's true, but doesn't alleviate my pain or circumstances.

May be this forum place will help, I don't know. I've adopted purposeful procrastination just to help ease some weekend anxiety.
Purposefully not accepting all the "performance" expectations from family, work and friends who persistently expect to "get" something done for them or for my "solving" my depression attitude.