My Three Ghosts of Depression

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Location: Bournemouth, England

My Three Ghosts of Depression

Postby Soulinafishbowl » Tue Dec 19, 2017 12:50 pm

Hello, this is my first time ever using social media to express my present existence and I am a little nervous to begin with, but its easier to type it than talk it I guess.

Every day I wake...sometimes at 4am and sometimes anytime up to 6pm and most of my dreaming world and waking world are thoughts of the past, present and future (my three ghosts) I have been unable to shake off the uselessness of my existence and the knowledge that I am a burden on society and do not contribute in any useful manner. I have not worked for two years now and not because I don't want to...I just can't. I have a fear of who and what I shall be working with. Does it have any worth? Does it have meaning? Will it make me happy?

I am a highly (or was) creative person and very practical in all things I put my energy into but unfortunately the muses have abandoned me and you will most days find me standing at my window with frustration and a nervous tension in my body. I find these feeling go round and round till I just give up and sit and watch TV, which does not help my situation...a catch 22 situation.

I also spend most of my time indoors. I used to like walking and visiting places, traveling abroad and seeing historical sites. Two years ago I was traveling around Europe. Venice, Rome, Tuscany and Barcelona and it was beautiful and a dream to experience but, I was alone. While I was sat in the Sagrada Familia (unfinished cathedral) Barcelona I began to cry and I couldn't stop. I was so embarrassed I tried to hide myself. I wasn't crying at the beauty of the place, I was crying because I was alone and no-one to share this fantastic journey with.

In my past I chose friends very poorly. My hedonism ruled my life thinking that clothes, sex and drugs were the answer and I found that the people that come with this are shallow, false and treacherous. I made no solid friends there and the good positive people that enter my life I ignored and dropped.

Life was very cheap then and the cost to my soul is now in effect. I am alone.

I have cut out any association with any form of that life and now crave substance and compassion in people. I avoid loud, hurtful and judgemental people as much as I can but by doing this I have isolated myself in my cocoon, my home.

The funny thing is I am in between loneliness and company. I don't want either, or more to the fact I fear both.

Turning a 45 male this year has now added to my anxieties and depression. Who am I now and where am I going. Can I make anything of my life with any meaning? My mother had a heart attack this year and this forced me to question my mortality. I started to think about death and yes I do think about taking my own life every day for the last two years. I can assure you I will not, for as much as it would be easier for me to check early I could not do that to my family. I fear what this would do to my Mother and Sister but I cannot help think about it every day.

In summary I think about oblivion every day...a void of existence. Whats the point? I have heart full of emotion and a mind wanting to explode with ideas, fears, monsters and doubt. Haunted by the past, troubled by the present and fearful of the future and none of it really matters.

"The maddening of these thoughts"

I don't want to be in this existence, stuck in my home, frustrated with myself and the world. I am seeking help and have sort help. Each time has been a failure on the part of the councillor or therapist. I tried group therapy and that was awful and the assistant humiliated me in front of everyone which buried me further down in depression. I did receive and apology from the head therapist but the damage was done. I now have a new therapist next year in January so fingers crossed they can help me rediscover myself and banish the demons.

I sure I have lots more to tell but this is long enough and I must admit it feels a little lighter in my soul typing this.

Thank you for the opportunity and to all other living this existence may love and kindness be with you.

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Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:50 pm

My Three Ghosts of Depression - Hello There!

Postby Iammeanduareme » Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:19 pm

Hi there, my name is Ruben C. I am a professional psychotherapist part of this organization helping thousands try to break free from the shackles of depression that weigh people down. I have read your story. Writing down your thoughts is a great way to release stress and I see this served as an outlet for you to release pent up emotions, it can be cathartic as well. However, in the long run this method alone cannot completely quell the rampant emotions inside you wreaking havoc mentally and physically. When you are mentally defeated, this is the depression taking its toll on your body making you feel unhappy and indolent. I understand you better so thank you for sharing your personal account with depression along with some of the issues that you have been dealing with in your personal life and I will help you understand some of the grey areas that don't quite make sense to you ,but that's why I'm here and I just wanna to make a couple suggestions and provide you with some steps to regain control of your life so don't feel hesitant to disclose your personal thoughts. I will try to answer any questions you have along the way so that I can properly explain to you some of the things or patterns or rational Im noticing. So I have noticed a few things based of my experience dealing with other people who shared many similarities in their stories like this one.
You stated you prefered not to work and you also said that you are afraid of working with people because they can be noisy, rude, judgemental.
Are you afraid that people will judge you?
Are you afraid the environment won't be congenial enough?
Are you afraid that taking up a normal occupation won't match the representation of who you aspire to be versus who you really are?
Life is unpredictable at every moment and it won't wait for you even if you fell behind. Life is full of people bad and good and there are problems everyday. You can't recluse yourself because you are choosing knowingly to recuse yourself from interacting with people because your running away and it only exacerbates your situation whether they had good or bad intentions and you lose that opputunity forever. You also lose that precious time you can't get back to meet new faces or invest your time to try other things can raise you from your low spirits.
Its clear you avoid relationships because of your past experiences and on some level you avoid dealing with these issues because its just easier to avoid adversity. You can't change the way jobs operate and you can't change how social interactions with people will respond because those factors are not in your control. You are trying to bend the rules so that they conform to you and you will struggle in life continuing with this mindset.
I'll tell you what you are in control though. You are in control of the decisions you do make even when you feel your not. You can choose to try new things and give yourself a new perspective. Your self worth is low right now and you lack drive to help yourself. You can utilize your time to learn and take on new things such as music, studying, politics, clothes, cooking, reading, exercising, dating, traveling, changes in hygiene, volunteering, exploring, you can try anything. The goal is to try new things that will help you mold out of your cocoon because now we have a better understanding of why you chose to recluse yourself. The reason can be traced back to a more touching modest one, the loss of confidence.
I want to bring up another point you stated about previously making some costly choices in terms of friends and financial.
Money is a only a human construct and it can be infinite. If you try to measure your life's worth by relative value then you'll never be happy.
"When it comes to money, you can't win. If you focus on making it, you're materialistic. If you try to but don't make any, you're branded a loser. If you make a lot and keep it, you're a miser. If you make it and spend it, you're a spendthrift. If you don't care about making it, you're unambitious. If you make a lot and still have it when you die, you're a fool for trying to take it with you."
How then do you then solve this paradox. Well the answer is more simple than you think.
You spend your money on only the things you truly need like food, water, and a roof over your head. Its completely fine to treat yourself to some nice things every once in a while. You treat yourself first and once you feel your suitable to take care of another person, you can then look for a partner to share your life. You said that you were feeling melancholic about having no one to share your experiences with. Well you won't attract anyone sulking at home so I think its best to do some reflecting and try to integrate some big changes onto your life gradually and then make it a goal to find a great woman who shares the same core values and loves you for you. I'm not saying its gonna be overnight, but I know exercising a positive attitude throughout your growth will be key to awaken from your despondency that you have been living in for the past couple of years. I really do hope your future therapists do grant you the help you seek and I hope you can overcome your obstacles.

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Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:37 am
Location: Bournemouth, England

Re: My Three Ghosts of Depression

Postby Soulinafishbowl » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:39 am

Your right I have created a bubble of morality so far right that there is no room for diversity in others, hence why I have isolated myself to protect myself from dissapointment and the threat/temptation of hedonistic pursuits. I need to stop judging others from example of my own mistakes and thinking I have the moral high ground when in reality I'm not living a life to even have a moral high ground.

I never thought that who I aspire to be would actually be the wall that prevents me from being me.

On my kitchen wall I have a quote from Dr. Seuss

"Today you are you, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is youer than you"

And now that I actually read it after the reply it seems I have not been 'me-er than me'.

How can I be happy if I don't even know who I am anymore and how can anyone find me attractable in any situation if what they see is a mere shell of a person who shows little interest in anything and has no confidence? I do have many interests but no outlet to focus them or more to the point, no confidence in myself to join in or vocalise those interests. If I am sat in a group discussion and have something to say, I don't with fear of mockery or being judged on a intellectual level of incompetence. But this is in my head so yes I do fear being judged. I always think when and if I am out "why is that person looking at me" then I get self conscious about my clothes, they way I look and the way I may sound. The result is to clam up and flee. The probable truth is they were just looking around or were lost in their own thoughts and not caring about me at all.

As for my past I am trying to let go of regrets and mistakes I have made. It's hard... like I'm haunting myself and they just keep pounding away in my memory.

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