My first post

[Chewy]

This is my first post so I'm not sure how to start this off so I'll just go for it. I'm a 20 year old guy and I've felt the way I do for about 4 years now.

I can't describe it because most of the time it's nothing, it's just plain, blank and emotionless. The best way to describe it is that my head feels foggy and it scares me to think about. When I feel happy it's only within the moment, during whatever is going on... the moment passes and my feelings go with it, back to my robotic self. When I'm sad it usually lasts for a couple hours as I sit with my thoughts. But sometimes after a long day of feeling nothing, any emotion can be a comfort, even a sad one.

One of the topics that I think about a lot and depresses me more than it should (and I feel a bit pathetic talking about it) is relationships. I hate people who cheat. I can't stand it. At least an enemy would stab you in the front, but if you get cheated on, you were just stabbed in the back. In the past I have been cheated on a few times but I always got over it, don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell but I was stronger back then. For instance, when I was 15, a girl who I was 'seeing' at the time lost her virginity to some older guy, and that hurt like hell but I moved on. But then I actually fell in love. Looking back now, i should have known from the very start it would end in disaster, but I guess i still wanted to feel loved, even if was only for a while

I was about 16 when I met her, not long into my first year of college and we had met through a mutual friend. The first time we met each other in person we talked a lot, eventually kissed, you know the drill. At first she didnt want to be with me because she didnt know if she liked me, or if she liked another guy. (Now i know this is where i should have left but by this point i had already fallen for her.) She chose me in the end and the relationship was great. We didnt live particularly close so i only got to see her once or twice a week but nevertheless it was a good relationship. We were intimate and open and i dont want to fill in all the details but basically, i felt like this girl was the most amazing person on the planet and even though i was young, i was genuinely in love. We were together just shy of a year and she went on holiday and, as they all do, she cheated on me but it was different this time. This was someone who I adored, i always had her on my mind and she did the one thing that she knew i hated, and cheated on me. It felt like she'd took her fist and plunged it right into my chest just so she could stamp all over my heart while it was still beating. And thats when i changed. I dont hold her responsible for the way i feel now, i'm not saying it's all down to her, i just think she was the trigger, she added the final turd to a massive boulder of S***

This is how i was effected. When i was 16 i was 11 stone. By the time i turned 17 i was 16 stone. I lost all my personal confidence, it's been nearly 4 years and i havent even held hands with another girl. I'm messed up. But it's not just my confidence with girls thats shaken, I find it difficult to maintain eye contact with people when im talking to them, which is totally unlike me (or the old me.) I've started stuttering and forgetting words. But the worst part is that i'm fully aware of my deterioration as a human being. I've seen mysellf decline into the pathetic mess i am today. I don't know how I get my confidence back and become better again.

I don't talk about my feelings to anybody, which is probably the main reason for why I feel the way i do, thats why i came here. If i cant talk to the people i know then i'll talk to strangers. I want to talk to people who are going through/have gone through what i'm going through now. I feel like what i'm feeling is so strange and absurd that it can't possibly be a normal thing. Even if someone takes the time to read this i'll be grateful.

[100footpole]

Chewy,

64 people have read your post, and I'm feeling good enough to give you the bad news. When you wrote:

I don't know how I get my confidence back and become better again.

I don't talk about my feelings to anybody, which is probably the main reason for why I feel the way i do, thats why i came here. If i cant talk to the people i know then i'll talk to strangers. I want to talk to people who are going through/have gone through what i'm going through now. I feel like what i'm feeling is so strange and absurd that it can't possibly be a normal thing. Even if someone takes the time to read this i'll be grateful.

You described exactly what we all go through. Let me say that your weight does not change who you are, but it does change how people see you. The worst part of being friendly is that risk that we take because someone will treat us unfairly. I think about the consequences of that risk all the time. For instance, my wife get's mad at me because I go out of my way to greet homeless people. Those people often get mad at me when they ask for money and I tell them no. A few times though, I've met people and become acquaintances. It is nice to be able to just greet people. With just the right outlook you can start to see the world as a beautiful place. The unfairness just becomes part of the landscape, and you can see the beauty that covers it and defines it.

Please write again, go ahead and keep defining the ugliness you see, but then look for the counterpart ... the after ... the idea of fair that allows you to see "unfair". Not in a jealous way: the idea is that if she was able to find something that with someone else that you wanted to give her means that there MAY be someone else looking for what you have to give. And finally, that we make the things that we give away. Once we know what we have, we can take the next step and improve it.

[azcards7777]

I've recently come to terms with the fact that life in general is pretty pointless. Life is a bitch and then you die. People don't ever REALLY care about other people its just all part of the show that many of us learn to put on everyday, at school, at work, at the store, at church, everywhere. I never got the point of that, I'm not one of those people who pretend about anything. I've gotten fired from about every job I've had because I couldn't get along with people. I just didn't participate in the show they all put on of caring about each other and genuinely wanting to know each other. its all krap but it seems i'm the only one who has realized this. when I look at people I don't see an individual , I don't see anything just a body.

[100footpole]

I have had the same feelings you have. In arguments with other people I've been called a sociopath because I refused to acknowledge principals that seem fundamental to people I consider misguided idiots.

A book that helped me come to terms with this was Victor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning http://ebook.stepor.com/book/man-s-search-for-meaning-22024-epub.html

Let us know more about how you feel. Even if it doesn't help you, it might help someone who has those same feelings you have.

[nenkohai2]

Excellent book, 100foot. I second the recommendation.

Mind if I just think out loud for a few lines? I find it interesting that many people believe they are owed a sense of meaning in their lives -- and that they look for that meaning external to themselves. There is no universal "meaning of life." It is what you make it. Life's meaning is yours to make, not someone else. Not being able to find your meaning does not equate to being a victim. While you have the ability (maybe the right, even) to self-victimize, you have to realize, that victim only exists to you. On top of that, it's a total myth, and on top of THAT, if you assume the role of victim, it is your responsibility. Yea, no kiddin.'

If someone is really entrenched in self-victimizing, they are gonna be really pissed-off about what I just wrote.

Maybe someone is thinking, "okay Mr. Smart-Ass, HOW do I do that?" How would you think I would answer that?

I know I sound all pissy... but honest to god, that is not my intent at all. Just trying to say something useful, ya know?

[100footpole]

Nenkohai2

I don't think you post was offensive.

I think about the fact that there is no ONE way the works. To not acknowledge this means to try to make everyone fit into one mold. That being said, there is no short cut for "getting over it". Experience helps, talking about it helps. The worst part is that until its over all you can do is keep trying.

[specter]

I've recently come to terms with the fact that life in general is pretty pointless. Life is a bitch and then you die. People don't ever REALLY care about other people its just all part of the show that many of us learn to put on everyday, at school, at work, at the store, at church, everywhere. I never got the point of that, I'm not one of those people who pretend about anything. I've gotten fired from about every job I've had because I couldn't get along with people. I just didn't participate in the show they all put on of caring about each other and genuinely wanting to know each other. its all krap but it seems i'm the only one who has realized this. when I look at people I don't see an individual , I don't see anything just a body.

Can't tell you how many times I've been in this scenario. Everything -- even age -- is an illusion. We all wear masks. We all, for the core need of loving and being loved, allow ourselves to believe in other peoples' negative thoughts. It becomes a mental framework that we cannot get out of, no matter how hard we try. The ones who do escape the illusions? They usually end up isolated and feeling very much alone.

There's supposedly an inherent freedom in this. Not a freedom I experience too often. It's a lonely one.

What's supposed to happen to those who can't pull off playing the "Pretend Game"? What happens to people like us?