let this be the beginning of my recovery

[survival1120]

I am extremely depressed and needing to vent. My life has gone from nearly perfect to unbearable in less than 3 months and I am in shock. Trying this forum as a place to express anonymously.

Compared to many of you, the things that I am dealing with probably seem tame in comparison - but they are causing me great pain.

I hope that by sharing my situation with others I may find some support and be able to support others. I pray that this message initiates a sequence of events that enables my recovery.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there Survival1120. Welcome to the forums we are happy to have you here with all of us.

Big or small your issues that brought you here are just as equal to everyone else.

This is a wonderful place to anonymously get things off your chest and find help where help seems so hard to find.

Vent all you need to.

Love and Hugs , always

[100footpole]

Hi Star,

You're right ... our issues are own. I was thinking about you and your animals as a form of patience this morning. I don't think I would have the patience to tame a wild cat .... I would feel used by the animal.

Survival1120. Tell us the smallest thing that's bothering you and then work up to the really bad ones ....

[survival1120]

Thanks all for your response.

My story is a long one, and on the surface appears to be very much about "1st world problems' - I am a 44 yo man with a beautiful wife and daughter who are my whole world.

Back in August we could not have been happier together - then an unexpected sequence of events began after I made a somewhat impulsive decision to sell my house.

The fallout has rapidly and unpredictably threatened my marriage and most of my other personal relationships, my job, my lifetime of memories, my present and my thoughts about the future.

[100footpole]

Is the problem that you don't have the space you need anymore?

[survival1120]

We decided to sell our home of 10 years after we found another home that we fell in love with. This was a big step that we have worked hard towards for many years, and the timing was just right for a number of reasons. It was to be the fulfillment of a number of long-held dreams and visions.

I was doing too much at once, trying to sell one house, buy another and keep up with what was already and intense time at work. I had a mental/emotional breakdown once our house was sold, got scared and ended up not finalizing the purchase on our "dream house."

There is a lot more to it, but that is the summary. There are some very personal/specific aspects to this which make it more painful that it might seem on the surface - I can elaborate on when there is more time. The resulting stress and heartbreak has led my wife to go on antidepressants in addition to pushing me over the edge. I have been having suicidal thoughts, but no plans to act on them.

Again, I realize that compared to the problems many people are facing, this is nothing. The reasons why this is so difficult for me are that:

(1) it all happened so quickly in less that two months, and the gap is enormous between where I was (very happy, confident and fulfilled, my long-held dreams were coming true) to where I am now (a miserable wreck who sleeps 12 hours a day and spends the rest of the time crying and avoiding people);

(2) it was all under my control until I let go - I had many, many opportunities to fix this before it finally fell apart;

(3) I could not have been closer to actually fulfilling my dream - the paperwork was on the table in front of me, all I had to do was sign but I walked away in a fateful moment of panic.

(4) Much of the panic emerged from pressures and opinions from well-meaning but misguided family members and co-workers; the experience has damaged my relationships with them and made me feel isolated from loved ones and unable to perform at work.

Thanks for listening to my "rant"...

[100footpole]

The description of how quickly things can change is familiar to me too.

Your description: where I am now (a miserable wreck who sleeps 12 hours a day and spends the rest of the time crying and avoiding people) ... definitely sounds like clinical depression and you need to be talking to a professional.

My preferred therapy is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) ... look it up and then discuss with your professional. Beware of therapists who have silver bullets ... like talk or biofeedback or dream analysis etc.. I've been on Prozac since the late 80s. What I noticed about it is that it gave me room to think. Without Prozac I was more reactive. My exposure to CBT is through marriage counseling with my wife because we had some ugly miscommunication patterns.

The biggest advantage of this forum is that it gives you a place where you can reflect on your relationships and decisions without baggage from loved ones, friends, or co-workers.

My current way of building a feeling of self-empowerment is to read the list cogniitve biases at wikipedia.org. I do this not only to think of my biases but to try to understand why other people are taking the positions they are. I absolutely do not try to control or argue ... I just use the biases to help myself understand that everyone believes they are acting rationally.

Anxiety is the best way I know to understand that WE are not rational animals. But, once you know that, you can adapt your actions. My rule for making myself feel better is to consider what I CAN DO to make other people relax, and then try to relax with them. That being said, I keep a close eye on what I CAN do ... so my anxiety does not take away my choices.

The above paragraph is what I thought of when I read your statement "The resulting stress and heartbreak has led my wife to go on antidepressants in addition to pushing me over the edge." I like to use a water analogy for Anxiety. Your boat has tipped over. You don't know how you're going to get things back together. But, that's not important. What is important is to do what you can to keep going. A good Black and White film to look at to see things as shades of gray is "Lifeboat" by Alfred Hitchcock.

What are your plans for making it through Thanksgiving ... since you're probably not feeling to thankful ...

[survival1120]

Thanks 100footpole -

Yes, I have been talking to a professional, who practices CBT. I actually started that right before all of this happened, and in some ways (long story) I think it may have made things worse, although I am continuing for now.

I made it through Thanksgiving, but am still in a great deal of pain. I feel like I am living two lives - reality and (in my head) imagining how each moment would be different if I hadn't screwed up. Can't stop talking to myself and it makes others (esp. my family) uncomfortable.

Will follow up with an update when I can.

[100footpole]

Keep us in the loop.

I need to write a post about how hard it is to write when you feel good....

I'm feeling better after a miserable November, but am continuing to post here to see if I can give my wife the best Christmas ever .... because this year I got an early start on feeling bad

The only person who doesn't think I'm a grinch is my brother ... who thinks of me more of as a Max instead of a Grinch.

[WillieWillieHH]

Welcome here. You found the right forum for your problem. We are here to listen and to support you.

[WillieWillieHH]

Hi survival! Welcome! We are here to share our prayers for your journey to recovery. Wish you all the luck

[survival1120]

Thanks 100footpole and WillieWillieHH -

Rather than recovering, things have been getting much worse for me since I first posted here. I've moved since and spent all of my money on a house that I paid too much for and I'm not happy there. Worst of all, my wife is at the end of her rope and fed up with me. If I lose her and my daughter I will have lost everything. My doctors are recommending Citalopram but I am afraid of the horror stories I've read from people's experiences with this drug and withdrawls. I sleep 12 hours each night. I can't concentrate at work and spend 8 hours a day starting at my computer and accomplishing nothing. It is hard for people not to notice that something is very wrong with me and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.