Can't put my finger on it

[metal bear]

Hi, hope this is the right place in the forum for this? I just can't put my finger on why I am feeling like this. I have been suffering with depression for years as a result I think from gambling and epilepsy but recently I have had my seizures under control and not gambled for three years apart from a daft relapse a couple of weeks ago.
But anyway my life is good this now, in fact I am in the best place I have been in terms of my health and support from my wife, Started college and doing well so that should boost my confidence and working voluntary in a charity shop to give me something to do. Also doing some C.B.T therapy to help me but the last few days I have been in a downward spiral and having the unwanted thoughts again but can't seem to shake them off even though I know they are only thoughts and aren't true but I have been feeling really worthless and keep thinking that I don't deserve to be where I am in terms of college and family and that I should just be alone with no one around me and nothing to do.
I am scared that these thoughts will get worse and I will end up having suicidal thoughts again as I have tried to take my life twice now so I am really scared that if I do it again that I will succeed as if I get that low again I will be even more determined to do it properly. I am having trouble with communicating with people I don't know as I feel that whatever I will say will be wrong and just make me look like a fool and they wont like me. It has got to the stage that I even feel like this on the internet even though no one knows who I am or anything.

[fallen]

good on you for over coming the gambling and your health issues, and it is great that you have a supportive wife and family and that you are doing so well in college and working in a charity shop !
sounds like you have a pretty full life.
i am sorry you are hurting, there are lots of nice people on this forum who are happy to listen.
you are not a fool , or worthless you are stronger and wiser than you know.
i have tried suicide but i realized that life was worth living.
we all feel like you occasionally when it all comes crashing down , when you least expect.
but in my experience those feelings last generally a short time .
remember your family and wife in those moments.
i have watched the family on the farm over from me go through a suicide and it devastates them for ever .
have courage , be brave, i believe in you.
take care

[no_answer]

Just remember, Metal Bear, when you feel suicidal, you don't wanna die, you just don't want to live in hell. Good thing: the hell is temporary...bad thing: the break from hell is temporary, too.
I found C.B.T. is effective in controlling thoughts, but I found that meditative observation of thoughts without trying to fight or control them works too, except meditation is harder to set up (find a space and time away from the stressors just when necessary).
Keep posting, keep breathing, everything shall pass.

[metal bear]

Thanks for the replies people, some really nice words there that will keep me thinking more positive. Thank you.

[100footpole]

I'm thinking that I'm going to go through "Living with Depression" from a year ago and post my thoughts on posts from each day.

We are beginning the holiday season.

The wisest part of this thread with respect to the holiday season is:

Good thing: the hell is temporary...bad thing: the break from hell is temporary, too.

Had the first argument of the season with my wife last night. We are going to have four people from my family stay with us at varying times for the next two weeks ... Argued about where people are going to sleep. Ended with us agreeing that worst case we both sleep in the living room and let someone else have our bed if we're going to be like that .