Hello all :)

[Itsonlyme]

I use a lot of smileys... and I do actually smile a lot too. Kind of a front I guess. I should have been an actor.

So here's the biggest reason I'm here (besides severe depression, I mean) I just know I'm really wearing thin on my friends and co-workers. I don't mean to, but I've just been having a really hard time containing my hopelessness.
So since I don't have anything happy to talk about, I've just been extra quiet lately.... and my friends know this isn't normal for me either.

I just need to vent this stuff on people "who know" what I'm talking about, and hopefully won't get tired of listening to me crying, also.

Anyway, I have SO much to talk about... why my life is the train wreck it is... how I got to where I am now.... why I see zero light at the end of the tunnel..... etc.

But its already late.... and I have to work tomorrow...

So, in this introduction, let me just say:

I've had severe ADD, as well as OCD all of my life.
Also, a really hard core hand-eye coordination issue that has effected me in unimaginable far reaching ways, all of my life.

These things have led me to be a 50 yo man, in a menial job, from which I can never retire.

And of course there are other, more personal things too....

But the worst part of my life, is just plain loneliness. And the really messed up thing is, none of the issues I've mentioned above "ever make any difference whatsoever" > because woman, are not now, nor have they ever been the least bit attracted to me, in the first place !

This is perplexing to me, as I don't think I'm that awful to look at. I have a friendly smile.

Oh, and just to throw in a curve ball... I can expand on this later... 5 years ago, I did a whole life switch, and went from an obese train wreck of health, to a fitness freak that lifts weights, and climbs mountains for fun. I've lost about 140 lbs of fat (easy) and put on 50 lbs of lean muscle (very hard)

And what has this ^ all done for me ? Well, I am now the fittest, healthiest, psychological train wreck of a guy that I know ! LOL And I think it has actually decreased my attractiveness to women. I can explain later.

Oh, so I've been single for the last "18 years" !!!! {not exactly a brief little instance of time to just brush off, right ?} ...and I'm pretty convinced I will die that way in a few more.

Sure hope you guys still want to hear more from me.

Peace,
Itsonlyme

Oh BTW, I'm a wanna' be pro photographer. Will try to post a recent photo here if I can....

[Ieris]

Hello,

Thanks for sharing your story.

Really sounds like you have transformed yourself and taken some positive steps. So many give up with the fitness thing but you kept going, well done for that!

I don't think it's ever too late to find someone. There are many women in their 40s and 50s still looking for the right one. You just have to go to the right places to meet them. I believe you may have a bit of a routine but try going somewhere new or some photography meet up event, it's very easy to meet people this way who enjoy something that you do as well.

Your HDR shot looks great by the way, if you want to be a pro photographer I am sure you can make that happen. Do you focus on landscapes or do you enjoy photographing over things too? I came across Peter Lik whose work is great, check it out when you have time. Definitely looking forward to seeing more of your pictures x

[Itsonlyme]

but on the total health and fitness turnaround, I have to be honest.....

My silver bullet was > OCD. So once I got that idea stuck in my head, everything else went out the window, and I put "ALL" of my time and attention to it. I'm sure other parts of my life suffered.

Problem is, my OCD takes me where it wants to. It really doesn't even feel like much of a 'freewill' thing, but rather, some crazy idea just gets stuck in my head, and I go off the deep end with it.

So its not like > "I could just decide" that I was going to turn some other part of my life around the same way, as it really is just like a roll of the dice for me. It just so happened....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going to the right places to meet women;
Okay, well this is a problem. For one thing, I ALWAYS work weekends, by choice, as I hate crowds, and I prefer to avoid them at all costs.
But even if I could find "groups" of people after work hours, or on my week days off of work, I am SO uncomfortable with those kinds of group encounters, that I would not be showing my true self anyway.

I'm a one-on-one kind of guy. Oddly, I actually consider myself a "people person" > Only it just has to be one on one, with not many distractions (ADD).

Oh, I've tried dating sites too, and I found "zero" potential prospects.... And I live right between Sacramento, and San Francisco ! A HUGE amount of people.... but not enough, I guess.

Oh, this ^ plus the fact that I know that in print, I sound like such a wreck, one might be thinking > Yea' right ! Good luck bro"..... but what's funny, is that in person, {again, usually one on one} I come off like such a 'normal, level headed, got all of stuff together, type of guy.....
Again, I should have been an actor.

OMG ! > A bit of a routine ? Are you kidding me !?!? I do everything, exactly the same, every day, as with all of my psych issues, it's pretty much required, for me to get through my day !
Nothing messes me up quicker than "change".

Anyway, you knew this shot was an HDR Cool Did you also know that the general public just "loves HDR", but that most pro's look at it as fake, cheating, not natural, photo chopped, etc ?
Of course I've always been a self thinker anyway.

Oh, I shoot mostly wildlife, but lately, a lot more HDR landscapes too

Just having a harder and harder time getting myself to get out and shoot....

As my life makes me feel like a hamster on a rolling wheel.

I mean, I could go out and take the most awesome photo of my entire life ! ..... but after that, I'll still be incredibly lonely, and just hate my existence

Thanks again Ieris

[Ieris]

You are welcome

I guess your OCD has a personality of its own and it has worked in your favour. I hope it stays that way!!

I read a few of your other forum posts and I am glad that you aren't afraid to approach women the way you do. You seem pretty confident and talkative so I don't see where you are going wrong with this. Has your colleagues or friends given you any feedback as to what you need to address?

I feel the same way about not liking crowds and prefer to talk to people on a one to one basis, you just get to know someone better that way without any distractions. I do go out in groups at times and usually pin point a few that I get along with, swap numbers then meet up with them alone some time. I guess that's meeting as friends first then seeing if it develops into something more rather than asking them out on a date straight away.

You say that you should be an actor but are you really acting all of those times? Or is there a possibility that you are a normal guy that gets along with people rather easily? I guess we are more critical when we look at our own flaws and make it 10 times bigger than it is. However to other people they don't see it like we do, in fact sometimes a flaw to us could be a quality to them. Judging from a few of your forum posts, being single seems to be something that is bothering you a lot. How would you feel if you did find someone? Would all your problems go away? Or are there many issues that are bothering you?

- - -

I guess HDR looks different, it's a style that some people like and some don't. I did try to do it before using bracketing on my camera, its nice to learn different techniques and find your niche. Art is subjective, I don't think there is anything wrong with how much manipulation goes into it. Some pros have their work enhanced and retouched whether they shoot film or digital. Some choose not to as they like it RAW, everyone has their own style, I wouldn't say one style is better than another. I think HDR works great with your images, I also saw the fox and river one you posted which both look fantastic. Maybe you can publish a book or have an exhibition someday?

- - -

If you don't want to live your life like a hamster on a wheel, you need to break that cycle. I mean you did say that "change" messes you up, but the same input will always give you the same outcome. I can't really say much because I'm not a fan of change either, somewhat reluctant to leave my comfort zone but I know if I don't change then nothing else will either.

I hope you have a good week!

[100footpole]

I agree that a great way to deal with depression is feedback ... and it is hard to come by. If you're not to hyperchondriac it might help to look at this list of cognitive biases. You have a lot going for you, you are a very talented photographer, but your feeling that "something" isn't working is probably right. You have the power to figure out what that something is and change it. In particular you might want to look at the definition of congruence bias to look for indirect ways you could change your world.

Best Wishes

[Itsonlyme]

Ieris, thank you so much You wouldn't happen to be a professional counselor, would you ?

Confidence.... well, I am pretty confident that I can speak smoothly / friendly, and that woman are not likely to screak at me and run away, if I start talking to them. I just have zero confidence that they would want anything farther from me.

Neither I, or my friends can understand, or figure out where the "initial" issue is, either. Like I say, I have a list of issues longer than my arm that are totally likely to kill any potential relationship I ever try to start..... but its just so perplexing that it never even gets that far.
I mean, I could post a photo of myself, as like I say, I'm pretty sure I'm not too awful to look at.

.......but then I'd likely just here the same ol' > "But your not a bad looking guy"....
To which I'm like, Okay, so I'm not a bad looking guy..... I'm just totally unattractive to women, based on the fact that women are rarely attracted to me ???
~~~~~~~
Well, it's not really all just an act. The fact is, if I'm having a friendly conversation, especially with a woman who is somewhat attractive to me, at that very moment, I am happy, and not stressing over my issues / loneliness. That's not until 5 minutes later when I'm walking away.

Well, I'm not a "normal" guy LOL .....but I do have a strong ability to relate well to "normal" people.

You asked how I would feel if I found someone ?
Well that is probably the $10K question ! Of course a part of me would like to think that "this one thing" is 99% of my problems... and that if the right girl came along, everything else would just magically fall into place.

But I really should stop more often to consider, that I felt exactly this same way, for 20+ years, when my health was so horrendous, I just wanted to die ! How many times did I tell myself > If only I could get my health all straight, all else would just naturally fix itself"....

But obviously, that hasn't been the case.
So, I wish I could say that a relationship would fix everything, but in reality, if a relationship just made things a little better, rather than worse, that would be all good.
~~~~~~~~~~
Photography... Thank you Yea', I keep meaning to set up a website, and offer my stuff for sale > most especially on the aluminum print format Just beautiful stuff, but you HAVE to see it in person. A photo of a photo, on the internet, just doesn't do justice....

Much thanks again

[Itsonlyme]

100ft, wow ! That is pretty deep. I had a hard time following it.... but it felt important enough, that I read it slowly, twice !

Congruence bias.....

Will try to soak this up some more, later.

Much thanks

[Ieris]

Hello,

No I am not a counselor, although I would like to go into something like that in the future

You'll be surprised how much people are attracted to confidence. I've met people who aren't particularly attractive, tall, muscular, rich or whatever people find attractive but they are often surrounded by women because they are fun, charming and never doubt themselves. Simply enjoying life and people want to be a part of that. I guess you need to focus on your strengths, as those are your selling points and less so on your weaknesses. It might seem like you're tricking someone with a fake persona but the truth is everyone behaves differently when they are around people and when they are by themselves. Usually showing off their good side first, only when you get to know someone on a deeper level then they share their secrets/weaknesses etc. You said you have a long list of issues but who doesn't? When you find someone who accepts you for all your good and bad, then you know you're onto someone special!

(I read your other forum post but will reply here). I wouldn't say you're picky, more like being selective which is a good thing. You have standards, you wouldn't put on any old outfit that doesn't suit you so why would you do that with a partner. Sometimes you try things on, it doesn't fit, you simply move on and find something more suitable. When I talk to my friends, I like to refer to men as "shoes". If I am going to wear one pair of shoes for the rest of my life then damn right I am going to choose wisely and not just put anything on. So enjoy the shoe shopping process and don't stress yourself out because you haven't found the right one yet. I would much rather walk bare feet than wear something uncomfortable that I can't walk in

Sadly I did use the word "normal" in my post, but thinking back at it; what is normal anyway? Perhaps everyone is just trying to be or pretending to be "normal" just to fit in but is that really a good thing? I think if I tried to be normal, I would completely lose myself and have no identity. I guess people often say, why can't you be normal just like everyone else, but why would you want to be like everyone else? why can't people just be themselves? Sometimes it is the imperfections that make people interesting and stand out from the rest. What do you think about this?

I would say don't be afraid to be who you are and feel that you need to change everything about yourself. Start to accept yourself as who you are and hopefully others will do too.

- - -

Yes definitely start on your website and I agree that photographs looks so much better in person! I haven't been to an exhibition in a while and should really see what is on.
There is a website called, "500px" which has lots of amazing work like yours, perhaps you can consider signing up, its always good to make friends with people who have the similar interests as you.

Hope you have a good week and I hope that the weather is good for you to take more photographs! x