Just going through the motions..
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Just going through the motions..
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Last edited by Doogie on Fri Oct 24, 2014 6:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hi Doogie,
I hope you feel a little better after letting all that out...
I am sorry to hear what you have had to go through, it isn't easy to overcome betrayal like that especially when it is someone so close to your heart. I am sure you have spent some/most of the past 6 years coming to terms with what happened, but you still haven't completely let go. You seem to be stuck in that place and I do not know what is holding you there. I understand what you mean when you say it feels like you're living the same day over and over again. Everyone and everything around is moving forward, whereas you're stuck in the same place. A prison you may call it, some call it a loop, some call it a hole but despite what it is called, it is all created by you. That prison you sit in has no locks and believe it or not you can walk out of there anytime you want. You are holding yourself prisoner and punishing yourself for something but what is your crime? When do you plan to let yourself out of there?
Your therapist is right, she did hurt you to the core and caused a lot of damage but over the years I think it has developed into something so much bigger. It has much more to do with you now rather than what she did, she may have caused the damage initially but there is nothing she can do to fix it, only you can do that. No one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself. You need to stop with all that hard core exercise, you might be trying to distract yourself or running away from your problems but you are going around in a vicious cycle. Don’t push yourself over the edge and stop punishing yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Haven’t you been through enough already? Take a step back and look at what you are doing; you’re not only hurting yourself but also those that care about you. Learn to forgive yourself for whatever you’re blaming yourself for. Life may not have played out as you expected but only you can put things back on track when things go off course.
It seems like your dream house has been blown to pieces and you are sitting there staring at the rubble. Maybe you are reluctant to move because you are trying to hold on to little fragments of what it once was. You can sit there for a couple more years but nothing is going to change or you can accept the situation, pick up the pieces and start to build it all up again. When you do, there’ll be people around to help you so please don’t ever think you’re all alone. Life is short and you should really be living not drifting like you have for the last 6 years. You are a good man and you deserve to be loved, but first you need to work on yourself and deal with that void.
If I was you, the first thing I would address is the relationship you have with your wife. I guess you need to ask yourself if you still want her in your life, would life be better with or without her? If you want her in your life, you need to find some way to forgive and start to build the foundations together again. If you don’t, then look at your options; divorce, move on, move out etc. You need to ask yourself some difficult questions, like how you need to adjust your life, how will you and your kids cope, what to do next etc. I know it is tough but if you figure out what you want and what you need to do, you can start to move on and start living again.
I wish you all the best x
I hope you feel a little better after letting all that out...
I am sorry to hear what you have had to go through, it isn't easy to overcome betrayal like that especially when it is someone so close to your heart. I am sure you have spent some/most of the past 6 years coming to terms with what happened, but you still haven't completely let go. You seem to be stuck in that place and I do not know what is holding you there. I understand what you mean when you say it feels like you're living the same day over and over again. Everyone and everything around is moving forward, whereas you're stuck in the same place. A prison you may call it, some call it a loop, some call it a hole but despite what it is called, it is all created by you. That prison you sit in has no locks and believe it or not you can walk out of there anytime you want. You are holding yourself prisoner and punishing yourself for something but what is your crime? When do you plan to let yourself out of there?
Your therapist is right, she did hurt you to the core and caused a lot of damage but over the years I think it has developed into something so much bigger. It has much more to do with you now rather than what she did, she may have caused the damage initially but there is nothing she can do to fix it, only you can do that. No one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself. You need to stop with all that hard core exercise, you might be trying to distract yourself or running away from your problems but you are going around in a vicious cycle. Don’t push yourself over the edge and stop punishing yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Haven’t you been through enough already? Take a step back and look at what you are doing; you’re not only hurting yourself but also those that care about you. Learn to forgive yourself for whatever you’re blaming yourself for. Life may not have played out as you expected but only you can put things back on track when things go off course.
It seems like your dream house has been blown to pieces and you are sitting there staring at the rubble. Maybe you are reluctant to move because you are trying to hold on to little fragments of what it once was. You can sit there for a couple more years but nothing is going to change or you can accept the situation, pick up the pieces and start to build it all up again. When you do, there’ll be people around to help you so please don’t ever think you’re all alone. Life is short and you should really be living not drifting like you have for the last 6 years. You are a good man and you deserve to be loved, but first you need to work on yourself and deal with that void.
If I was you, the first thing I would address is the relationship you have with your wife. I guess you need to ask yourself if you still want her in your life, would life be better with or without her? If you want her in your life, you need to find some way to forgive and start to build the foundations together again. If you don’t, then look at your options; divorce, move on, move out etc. You need to ask yourself some difficult questions, like how you need to adjust your life, how will you and your kids cope, what to do next etc. I know it is tough but if you figure out what you want and what you need to do, you can start to move on and start living again.
I wish you all the best x
Hi doogie. I'm glad you found this site and were able to get some of that weight off your mind. My heart goes out to you and I hope, sooner rather than later, things work out for you. I'm glad *Ieris* replied to your post because there are excellent words of insightful wisdom and I really hope you are able to take it to heart and do some true soul searching. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you come out of this "prison" an even better person than you already are. It's a rough road and it takes time to travel, but you will come out stronger (mind, body, and soul) in the end. I wish you the best and I sincerely hope you find the peace you are looking for.
Reply to Doogie
I have to somewhat disagree with some of the comments from the other posters, I think sometimes events happen that change a marriage permanently. You shouldn't blame yourself and it is not your responsibility to "fix" yourself. Do you have an idea how many women would love a faithful and loving husband? I think you may have gravitated to her in the early years out of pity for her life story before you met her. I have come from a dysfunctional childhood full of abuse and lies and I was approached by a high school sweetheart and I immediately blocked and deleted his friend request that is what healthy people do. I had no need to go there and that part of my life had long since passed. I am not stupid, I know when someone especially a man/woman from your past looks you up it isn't to say hey what's up its because they hope you still have feelings and want to hook up and rekindle past romance. Have you both tried marriage counseling? I am all for trying to work things out but if you are so terribly unhappy the worst thing you can do is continue to live a life that brings you down.
I just want to clarify that this is NOT YOUR FAULT! I'm not sure where kate53 got that impression (no hard feelings kate53, we all think and interpret things differently and that's totally fine) but I hope you don't blame yourself. If you do, please don't. I know that's easier said than done...but you are not to blame for the things she did and for your marriage falling apart. As for "fixing" yourself...that goes much deeper. It doesn't mean fixing yourself because you did something wrong or caused problems in your marriage, or anything like that. That's not the case. What it means is that you were hurt SO deeply that you have a lot of healing to do, from the inside. There's a lot of work to be done there. Like, what do YOU want/need? How do YOU feel? How can YOU get past this/heal from this/learn from this? Yes.. there is a lot of "you" involved here, and I know from experience that it is sooo much easier to give that advice than follow it. I too am always putting others before myself... and that's a good thing; but only to a certain degree. I'm learning how to take care of my needs and feelings as well as others'. To love myself as much as I love others. To treat myself as I would treat others. And its NOT easy. Anyway...I'm rambling. I have so much more to say... I want to help as much as I can, but my thoughts are all over the place right now. So take care and remember that YOU are as important as everyone else.
Hi Doogie,
Good to see you write back.
You have every right to be suspicious, who on earth would go and add someone who supposedly raped them on facebook? Also what's with all the lies? it is hard to ignore all those red flags. It was her actions that have caused you to feel insecure about yourself and your marriage. You know, you are right, all she probably had to do was tell the truth and things would have settled and played out very differently. It's weird isn't it, when you give someone the chance to redeem themselves, they throw it back in your face and continue to lie through their teeth.
Happened to me before, even when the "other girlfriend" called me, he still refused to admit it, I sort of wanted to laugh and cry. Some times all we are really looking for are answers, to know the truth for closure. Although I broke up with him, I still wanted to know the why? When? Where? How many times? And all the other small details. After getting the answers i moved on swiftly, it was less painful to hear the truth than to let my own mind wonder and imagine things. I don't know if this applies to you but it's good to hear you have holidays soon to really give yourself a chance to think and work things out.
I think it is amazing how considerate you are towards her even after all that she's done. I get the impression that you often put other people first, you know she's dependant on you and you allow it to be that way. I know it can feel like a responsibility, a burden and you can't drop it just like that without the feeling of guilt creeping in. You say you always try to do the right thing, but the right thing doesn't necessarily mean putting other people's wants and need before yours. Try to put yourself first from time to time. I genuinely hope you manage to sort things out.
I think hazeleyes has written a great post up there! Useful for my own personal issues too... Thank you x
Good to see you write back.
You have every right to be suspicious, who on earth would go and add someone who supposedly raped them on facebook? Also what's with all the lies? it is hard to ignore all those red flags. It was her actions that have caused you to feel insecure about yourself and your marriage. You know, you are right, all she probably had to do was tell the truth and things would have settled and played out very differently. It's weird isn't it, when you give someone the chance to redeem themselves, they throw it back in your face and continue to lie through their teeth.
Happened to me before, even when the "other girlfriend" called me, he still refused to admit it, I sort of wanted to laugh and cry. Some times all we are really looking for are answers, to know the truth for closure. Although I broke up with him, I still wanted to know the why? When? Where? How many times? And all the other small details. After getting the answers i moved on swiftly, it was less painful to hear the truth than to let my own mind wonder and imagine things. I don't know if this applies to you but it's good to hear you have holidays soon to really give yourself a chance to think and work things out.
I think it is amazing how considerate you are towards her even after all that she's done. I get the impression that you often put other people first, you know she's dependant on you and you allow it to be that way. I know it can feel like a responsibility, a burden and you can't drop it just like that without the feeling of guilt creeping in. You say you always try to do the right thing, but the right thing doesn't necessarily mean putting other people's wants and need before yours. Try to put yourself first from time to time. I genuinely hope you manage to sort things out.
I think hazeleyes has written a great post up there! Useful for my own personal issues too... Thank you x
Judging from your posts it just sounds like you are better off without her, i haven't read a single positive thing about her in all your posts. She has a lot to lose as she needs you in order to stay afloat but I don't think you do as you said the love is already gone. Cant say you havent tried, after numerous chances, counselling + 6 years but to no avail.. there's no point in beating a dead horse.
It is good that she is getting help for her own problems, everyone has their own issues and demons to fight. But whether she was married you or some other man, she would have had to face them anyway as these were her problems from the start, way before you walked into the picture. She should seek help to help herself and not in any way use it as a bargaining chip to win back your love because that is a completely separate issue. It might be easier if you seperate her personal problems away from yours and only work together on your joint problems. Breaking it down into smaller issues would be easier to tackle rather than seeing it as one big problem.
Out of all the things you regret not doing, how many can you still accomplish now? Write a list and stick it somewhere you can see everyday, use it as a to do list and tick them off as you complete each one. If you find yourself coming up with excuses then ask yourself "If not now then when?" Better to start on it now rather than wishing you did so sooner in another 10 or 20 years down the line. One of the quotes I have up on my wall - "if you really want something you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse".
I did come across your other post: My story and thoughts It is good to see that you opening up rather than bottling it all up inside. You raise some interesting points and I look forward to seeing other members put their own spin and perspectives into it.
i think you should read some of your own posts again and you may find that you already have some of the answers x
(Sorry my post seems a little rushed, it's 3am where I am.. Time to sleep!)
It is good that she is getting help for her own problems, everyone has their own issues and demons to fight. But whether she was married you or some other man, she would have had to face them anyway as these were her problems from the start, way before you walked into the picture. She should seek help to help herself and not in any way use it as a bargaining chip to win back your love because that is a completely separate issue. It might be easier if you seperate her personal problems away from yours and only work together on your joint problems. Breaking it down into smaller issues would be easier to tackle rather than seeing it as one big problem.
Doogie wrote:The other problem now is that I'm have regrets about a lot of things I should have done...even outside my marriage. I guess I feel like a large part of my life was wasted...and I know it wasn't and wasn't as bad as I feel. Just can't stop how I feel.
Out of all the things you regret not doing, how many can you still accomplish now? Write a list and stick it somewhere you can see everyday, use it as a to do list and tick them off as you complete each one. If you find yourself coming up with excuses then ask yourself "If not now then when?" Better to start on it now rather than wishing you did so sooner in another 10 or 20 years down the line. One of the quotes I have up on my wall - "if you really want something you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse".
I did come across your other post: My story and thoughts It is good to see that you opening up rather than bottling it all up inside. You raise some interesting points and I look forward to seeing other members put their own spin and perspectives into it.
i think you should read some of your own posts again and you may find that you already have some of the answers x
(Sorry my post seems a little rushed, it's 3am where I am.. Time to sleep!)
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