The walls are closing in

[yqrion]

I don't even know where to start, so many things. I'm 24 years old and I've been battling depression for 8 years. I put off going to college for a year, but when I did I only attended half a semester and stopped going because I was overwhelmed by interacting with so many people. All this time I didn't have a job, until 3 years after I finished high school.

Just before that, I was close to giving up on life and ending things. I felt unable to go on. But for some strange reason, despite being an atheist, I felt compelled to go to a church. I guess I thought I could get some free help from a minister. I ended up going to one in my area. There I met up with a girl that I had a big crush on in high school.

I was very surprised to run into her there. We talked and I told her all that I was going through. At the end I got brave asked her for her number which she gave me. I was excited at first because I met her again and there was a possibility for something more. This was very brief though, I began having doubts about everything.

I tried calling her once but it just went to voice mail. I didn't leave a message and I didn't try again. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. Then after a week or so, she found me on facebook and sent me a friend request. We chatted a bit, she wanted to speak with me, and we eventually met up again. My anxiety didn't go away.

She kept giving me signs that she liked me but I didn't read into them. I went to her house a few days later, she still lived with her parent. That was the first time we kissed, she made the move. For a while afterwards all the worry just went away, I was happy. We started going out.

Going forward 2 years, we're still together, but I'm still depressed. I've changed a lot, or at least I pretend I'm different. I stuck with my non belief for a while, but after being pressured into being a Christian I gave in. I genuinely tried to believe but this didn't last long.

From there on I just pretended to believe, going to church with her. After a bit, I told her how I really think and she had a meltdown. I ended up telling her that I'll try to work though things and try to find my way to God. In many ways, I can't express my true feelings or beliefs. Another topic that I can't discuss is my depression. She tells me that it's all in my head, i.e. not real. Also that I need to be a man and just think positively.

She's always making demands of me, how I should talk, dress, do, and things to buy her. I love her and she has a sweet side. But attached to that love is a burning hate and resentment. There is no room for real, deep conversation. It just gets boiled down to cliches here and there moving on to clothes, her favorite tv show, celebrities, etc...

I tried breaking up with her a few times, I just can't go through with it because it's so emotionally shattering. I don't know how I can live without her, I'm too attached. Some days I think that I could be with her my whole life, others I just wish I never met her.

Before being with her I never attempted to take my life, I just thought about it. I've since attempted twice, nothing serious though. The last time was a year ago and I feel I've moved past that urge, but I still think about doing it time to time.

I wish I can tell my girlfriend what I'm thinking and not be berated or ignored. I don't have any friends, I just have her. My family is just my mom but it's not really helpful talking with her because she says one or two things, I'm sorry, and that's it.

I feel hopeless, tired of the way my life is, and like the walls are closing in. I want help but the signs aren't looking good for any escape.