Lost and alone. Suicidal. So tired of it
Posted: Sun Jun 02, 2019 2:24 pm
I have suffered with depression for about 10 years. I’m 24 years old and I’m so drained of feeling like this every single day.
I’m in a relationship but find it so hard to sustain because my partner doesn’t know how to deal with my depression and anxiety. He’s a pharmacist and knows all the signs and knows all about it but struggles to deal with it when I have bad episodes. I’ve been suicidal quite often and a few times I was found on the edge of a bridge on the motorway just feeling so empty and alone. I feel as though the Floor has been lifted from beneath my feet and I’m just floating. I don’t enjoy doing anything I don’t have any friends. I had one friend who’s now got a baby and doesn’t have time to speak to me or see me. Now we don’t talk. I see my partner every night and I’ve started to be fake happy, bottling up my emotions for an hour has made me become so quiet. I don’t speak. I work in a pharmacy and I stand at the back and do my work and don’t speak a word to anyone because I don’t know how to communicate anymore. I don’t have a good relationship with my family because all my siblings have moved out. My parents have divorced 5 years ago and I live in my dads house with his mum. My dads always away with his new girlfriend who’s from Canada. I barely speak to him, My mum lives with her new boyfriend and doesn’t bother speaking to me or seeing me, she’s ok with the rest of the siblings but me. It’s been 5 weeks today since my mum has spoken to me. I hate working I cry myself to sleep every night I’m just so drained. My relationship nearly ended last night because he said he didn’t want to be with me because he doesn’t trust me and can’t deal with my mental health. I’ve been to the doctors and trying to get help but it’s just not working. I did careless things in my relationship which made my partner lose trust in me. Such as having pictures of my ex in my room not knowing they were there and other things. I’ve never cheated on him and never would I love him so much and I want to get married to him but I feel like he doesn’t see anything longterm because there’s no trust.
I self harm a lot. Drink ridiculous amount of alcohol from time to time. I’m drained out now I just want to kill myself and get it over and done with. He hates me what am I even doing in my life why am I here why did god put me on this Earth I feel like shit every day why do I have to suffer. I’m holding onto my partner because I love him and want to be with him but I know he doesn’t want me or else he wouldn’t have ask to break up. My gran use to tell me to go die and I would be better off, my family hate me so much I’m so alone in this world
I’m in a relationship but find it so hard to sustain because my partner doesn’t know how to deal with my depression and anxiety. He’s a pharmacist and knows all the signs and knows all about it but struggles to deal with it when I have bad episodes. I’ve been suicidal quite often and a few times I was found on the edge of a bridge on the motorway just feeling so empty and alone. I feel as though the Floor has been lifted from beneath my feet and I’m just floating. I don’t enjoy doing anything I don’t have any friends. I had one friend who’s now got a baby and doesn’t have time to speak to me or see me. Now we don’t talk. I see my partner every night and I’ve started to be fake happy, bottling up my emotions for an hour has made me become so quiet. I don’t speak. I work in a pharmacy and I stand at the back and do my work and don’t speak a word to anyone because I don’t know how to communicate anymore. I don’t have a good relationship with my family because all my siblings have moved out. My parents have divorced 5 years ago and I live in my dads house with his mum. My dads always away with his new girlfriend who’s from Canada. I barely speak to him, My mum lives with her new boyfriend and doesn’t bother speaking to me or seeing me, she’s ok with the rest of the siblings but me. It’s been 5 weeks today since my mum has spoken to me. I hate working I cry myself to sleep every night I’m just so drained. My relationship nearly ended last night because he said he didn’t want to be with me because he doesn’t trust me and can’t deal with my mental health. I’ve been to the doctors and trying to get help but it’s just not working. I did careless things in my relationship which made my partner lose trust in me. Such as having pictures of my ex in my room not knowing they were there and other things. I’ve never cheated on him and never would I love him so much and I want to get married to him but I feel like he doesn’t see anything longterm because there’s no trust.
I self harm a lot. Drink ridiculous amount of alcohol from time to time. I’m drained out now I just want to kill myself and get it over and done with. He hates me what am I even doing in my life why am I here why did god put me on this Earth I feel like shit every day why do I have to suffer. I’m holding onto my partner because I love him and want to be with him but I know he doesn’t want me or else he wouldn’t have ask to break up. My gran use to tell me to go die and I would be better off, my family hate me so much I’m so alone in this world