I’ve Known for a While
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 1:52 pm
I already know it’s going to happen, I just haven’t decided when. There are some steps I have to take first but I already know what they are.
I know where I will go.
I know how I will do it.
It feels so strange because I have moments of terrified reason, where a tiny voice shouts in the recesses of my mind that this is an extreme action, that it’s not a solution. It tells me I should try to get better, that I should get away from the people who make me worse. And for what it’s worth, I know that voice is correct. I really do.
But I also know can’t do this again. These awful, endless rounds of rising and falling, I can’t bear to claw my way out just to end up right back in this hole. I belong here. It’s better down here.
So I’ll pick a pretty place and I’ll lay myself to rest.
No one will notice I have gone and if they do it’ll be a long time before anyone comes looking. I quell moments of deep pain with the reminder that it’s ok. I won’t have to feel this way long. I’m almost done and the wait won’t be so bad as long as I plan for the end. This is my light at the end of a long, dull, and painful tunnel, yeah? A few minutes of physical pain to end my years of emotional distress. It’ll be fine. I might as well just do it already.
But I can’t yet, there are steps and I must take them.
...I’ll have to pay in the next life, for how I choose to exit this one but knowing that is no longer a strong enough argument to stop me. For all I know, everything that’s happening now is payment for having done this before. There’s just no getting better, and no point in fighting so hard to stick around. My sad little life just isn’t worth that kind of effort.
I know where I will go.
I know how I will do it.
It feels so strange because I have moments of terrified reason, where a tiny voice shouts in the recesses of my mind that this is an extreme action, that it’s not a solution. It tells me I should try to get better, that I should get away from the people who make me worse. And for what it’s worth, I know that voice is correct. I really do.
But I also know can’t do this again. These awful, endless rounds of rising and falling, I can’t bear to claw my way out just to end up right back in this hole. I belong here. It’s better down here.
So I’ll pick a pretty place and I’ll lay myself to rest.
No one will notice I have gone and if they do it’ll be a long time before anyone comes looking. I quell moments of deep pain with the reminder that it’s ok. I won’t have to feel this way long. I’m almost done and the wait won’t be so bad as long as I plan for the end. This is my light at the end of a long, dull, and painful tunnel, yeah? A few minutes of physical pain to end my years of emotional distress. It’ll be fine. I might as well just do it already.
But I can’t yet, there are steps and I must take them.
...I’ll have to pay in the next life, for how I choose to exit this one but knowing that is no longer a strong enough argument to stop me. For all I know, everything that’s happening now is payment for having done this before. There’s just no getting better, and no point in fighting so hard to stick around. My sad little life just isn’t worth that kind of effort.