I hurt.
Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 3:49 am
I am not suicidal, but I do want to die.
This is the motto that I have lived with for the past few years, ever since I stopped self-harming. I honestly believe that statement to be true. I really don't want to kill myself, but honestly? I want to die. I want to no longer be alive. To be more precise, I wish that I had never existed at all. I have an amazing family, great friends, and a beautiful girlfriend, all who love and support me and want nothing for the best for me. They are why I wish that I didn't exist. If I die, they'll be sad, and that crushes me on the inside. I wish that I had never come into their lives at all, I wish that all of this could just go away. I don't know what this is, a confession I guess? I can't tell anybody in my life how I'm feeling, because we've gone through this before, this depression thing. I cut for a long time, pretty badly. I've been suicidal, I've had attempts on my own life before, but none that came to anything, obviously. They all felt so happy when I got better. When I started smiling more, when I came out of my shell, when my voice got a little louder, when I started doing things for myself. To be honest? I felt better. I felt good. I felt like the person that I was finally meant to be, not some waste of life that was only here to die. I felt like I was finally a part of something. I haven't been religious in a long time, so my sense of a greater purpose was still missing, but I finally felt like I had a purpose at all. It felt good. I don't know, I finally felt good. Recently though, I've fallen back into my old ways of thinking. I'm no good. I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I don't deserve any of this. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the old me again. I hate it. I hate me. Maybe I'm just having an off time lately, but I really don't want to go back to the way that I used to be. I really don't want to go back to the person that I was. I know who I was, and I acknowledge and respect my past self, but I don't ever want to be them again. I feel broken. I finally got my life back together, and now suddenly is falling back into the same depression that I worked so hard to scrape my way out of. I really don't know. I know that depression never really goes away, it will always be hard, but I'm letting it affect my life again. This just can't be happening, this isn't right. I don't know what this is. I don't know why I'm typing. I don't know why I'm going to hit submit. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to fall back into my old ways. I'm scared. Please, save me. Please, send help. I am lost and alone, and I hurt. All of me hurts. Nothing is okay right now, and I need it to be okay again. Please. I don't know how, but save me. Save me. Somebody please.
This is the motto that I have lived with for the past few years, ever since I stopped self-harming. I honestly believe that statement to be true. I really don't want to kill myself, but honestly? I want to die. I want to no longer be alive. To be more precise, I wish that I had never existed at all. I have an amazing family, great friends, and a beautiful girlfriend, all who love and support me and want nothing for the best for me. They are why I wish that I didn't exist. If I die, they'll be sad, and that crushes me on the inside. I wish that I had never come into their lives at all, I wish that all of this could just go away. I don't know what this is, a confession I guess? I can't tell anybody in my life how I'm feeling, because we've gone through this before, this depression thing. I cut for a long time, pretty badly. I've been suicidal, I've had attempts on my own life before, but none that came to anything, obviously. They all felt so happy when I got better. When I started smiling more, when I came out of my shell, when my voice got a little louder, when I started doing things for myself. To be honest? I felt better. I felt good. I felt like the person that I was finally meant to be, not some waste of life that was only here to die. I felt like I was finally a part of something. I haven't been religious in a long time, so my sense of a greater purpose was still missing, but I finally felt like I had a purpose at all. It felt good. I don't know, I finally felt good. Recently though, I've fallen back into my old ways of thinking. I'm no good. I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I don't deserve any of this. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the old me again. I hate it. I hate me. Maybe I'm just having an off time lately, but I really don't want to go back to the way that I used to be. I really don't want to go back to the person that I was. I know who I was, and I acknowledge and respect my past self, but I don't ever want to be them again. I feel broken. I finally got my life back together, and now suddenly is falling back into the same depression that I worked so hard to scrape my way out of. I really don't know. I know that depression never really goes away, it will always be hard, but I'm letting it affect my life again. This just can't be happening, this isn't right. I don't know what this is. I don't know why I'm typing. I don't know why I'm going to hit submit. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to fall back into my old ways. I'm scared. Please, save me. Please, send help. I am lost and alone, and I hurt. All of me hurts. Nothing is okay right now, and I need it to be okay again. Please. I don't know how, but save me. Save me. Somebody please.