I don't know what to think anymore. I wake up every morning thinking the se thing over an over again it's strange and freaks me out a little. I wonder why I want to be dead, but at the same time I want be alive; I want to be able to live my life to the fullest. Like everyone else in this world does ... Right?
But how on earth do I get rid of these horrible thoughts and voices?
I want to die; but don't want to die. (Triggering material)
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Being Alive Today.
Much of the world is in a box and all six sides are shrinking. Our expectations of how we live our lives have been given to us like candy canes on a mirage of a Christmas tree. The majority of the world has to modify their expectations for how they live their lives. This I believe and, this I believe, is part of why so many people are in crisis.
You, Lady, are in the middle of this modification of the worlds expectations. If that wasn't pressure enough, your at an age where this normally start to get crazy. It's just normal at your age.
Add now, to all this, the terrible things that have happened in your life and the unjustifiable lack of support you have had. No wonder you sometimes don't want to be alive. I feel that way sometimes and I haven't the same amount of pressures.
So it may sound ridiculous to say, but don't give up. It's bound to get better. Keep looking for support. My guess is you will find it.
You, Lady, are in the middle of this modification of the worlds expectations. If that wasn't pressure enough, your at an age where this normally start to get crazy. It's just normal at your age.
Add now, to all this, the terrible things that have happened in your life and the unjustifiable lack of support you have had. No wonder you sometimes don't want to be alive. I feel that way sometimes and I haven't the same amount of pressures.
So it may sound ridiculous to say, but don't give up. It's bound to get better. Keep looking for support. My guess is you will find it.
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CrazyLady17
You explain things in such good detail and it makes so much sense, and it makes me wonder how you know all this as it's just exactly how I feel it's unreal.
I suppose you are right in what you are saying to be honest Frame.
Yes it does feel like that to be honest and yes I do have the lack of support and things and it's horrible.
Okay thank you! I will try and not give up... But I slowly giving up and I mean slowly giving up.
But what if I can't find that support I need/looking for? What do I do then? I mean I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to live...
I suppose you are right in what you are saying to be honest Frame.
Yes it does feel like that to be honest and yes I do have the lack of support and things and it's horrible.
Okay thank you! I will try and not give up... But I slowly giving up and I mean slowly giving up.
But what if I can't find that support I need/looking for? What do I do then? I mean I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to live...
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CrazyLady17
(((Triggering)))
I really want to die right now.... That's all that's on my brain. I'm sorry everyone!!
Someone help me. I'm begging. I need hugs.
Someone help me. I'm begging. I need hugs.
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CrazyLady17
I've mentioned before the idea of 'how we wait' being important.
Your growing up and part of growing up is to consider, not only your needs and your desires but the needs and desires of those around you.
Why do I mention this today?
Well, I've heard a lot from you about your needs and desires. And I think no one will deny that you have been miss-treated and miss-understood. But you have also admitted to making a few mistakes yourself.
I think we can also both agree that your immediate needs are being taken care of. Also, given the list of things you wrote about what you would rather be doing, and the list of presents you got (which fit those desires pretty well) I'd have to say that your desires are being considered also.
So while your lying bored in bed surrounded with things to make your life more comfortable; I'd love to here you consider and write about the needs and desires of other people. [Your parents for two but] what do you know about the people taking care of you and what their desires are.
What would make your parents happy? What would make your care givers happy? What about the children you were going to school to care for; what makes them happy? These are not idle questions. The answers make it easier for you to get through life with less trouble.
Your growing up and part of growing up is to consider, not only your needs and your desires but the needs and desires of those around you.
Why do I mention this today?
Well, I've heard a lot from you about your needs and desires. And I think no one will deny that you have been miss-treated and miss-understood. But you have also admitted to making a few mistakes yourself.
I think we can also both agree that your immediate needs are being taken care of. Also, given the list of things you wrote about what you would rather be doing, and the list of presents you got (which fit those desires pretty well) I'd have to say that your desires are being considered also.
So while your lying bored in bed surrounded with things to make your life more comfortable; I'd love to here you consider and write about the needs and desires of other people. [Your parents for two but] what do you know about the people taking care of you and what their desires are.
What would make your parents happy? What would make your care givers happy? What about the children you were going to school to care for; what makes them happy? These are not idle questions. The answers make it easier for you to get through life with less trouble.
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CrazyLady17
I know, but it's not that easy though? Is it? No. I in t very hard to accept my depression an accept the fact I am already dead and I am no longer alive and no longer a human being....
Hmm..
Parents happy?;
If I was dead of course, as they don't have two flying ducks about me.
Children happy?;
Having friends and getting what they want.
People who care for me?;
Loving family, and for me to get out of hospital(won't happen for a while).
I just don't know what to think anymore.
My head is pretty messed up.
Hmm..
Parents happy?;
If I was dead of course, as they don't have two flying ducks about me.
Children happy?;
Having friends and getting what they want.
People who care for me?;
Loving family, and for me to get out of hospital(won't happen for a while).
I just don't know what to think anymore.
My head is pretty messed up.
Seems to me, they'd have to give more than a couple of flying ducks to show up at a hospital with presents.
If they were mad enough they would have shown up with coal.
Something tells me your selling them short. Is it possible that you care less about them than they care about? And before you answer; "Yea but I have depression, they should understand" (and I would agree with you); didn't you say that your Mom is also depressed.
Who is showing understanding for her?
I apologize to you and any one reading this, if I sound callus. But I feel strongly that a softening of your heart will come with thinking about, considering, caring for others. And with a softening of heart will precede your feeling better.
If they were mad enough they would have shown up with coal.
Something tells me your selling them short. Is it possible that you care less about them than they care about? And before you answer; "Yea but I have depression, they should understand" (and I would agree with you); didn't you say that your Mom is also depressed.
Who is showing understanding for her?
I apologize to you and any one reading this, if I sound callus. But I feel strongly that a softening of your heart will come with thinking about, considering, caring for others. And with a softening of heart will precede your feeling better.
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CrazyLady17
Lol, good one there. That cracked me up aha 
They brought them to the hospital and gave them to the duty nurse to give to me and I didn't hear from my parents all day...
My journal will explain what's happened with my parents today..
What?!!
I do care for others thanks.
How dare you say I don't?
Wow made me cry much.
I show understanding to mums depression.
He had post natal depression(after I was born)
But she never shows understanding to me, I get called a mistake and disappointment.
All I've done is be there forum and this is what I get back?
f*** this.
They brought them to the hospital and gave them to the duty nurse to give to me and I didn't hear from my parents all day...
My journal will explain what's happened with my parents today..
What?!!
I do care for others thanks.
How dare you say I don't?
Wow made me cry much.
I show understanding to mums depression.
He had post natal depression(after I was born)
But she never shows understanding to me, I get called a mistake and disappointment.
All I've done is be there forum and this is what I get back?
f*** this.
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