Ramblings

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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BlueWhovian
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Ramblings

Postby BlueWhovian » Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:41 pm

Maybe I'm just a Robot?

Sometimes I feel like all I am anymore is an emotionless robot. Numb and alert but not really feeling anything.
Other times I feel human, but that's generally when I feel disgusted, angry or unhappy. I smile and laugh, but it's been a while since I remember what happy is and what it was like. I notice this with everything. Stuck day in and out with the same things to eat every day, no change, same routine, same worries, nothing on tv. Feels like everything I've done online or on my laptop anymore is the same thing all the time. I have no drive to play games, no drive to talk with people. I don't sleep. Hmm.

Frame
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Postby Frame » Wed Aug 21, 2013 8:29 am

It's interesting Blue; isn't it? How long have you told yourself your (or been told, or been diagnosed, or just felt) depressed? Your post rings a lot of bells. I would not have told myself, most of my life, I wasn't unhappy, that I didn't know what happiness was. I was different, acted different, strange, maybe a little scary, but unhappy?

But know as I look back, as I think about how cues I got from people, what I might construed as happiness 20 years a go; today, armed with what I know about my life and what people told me, there wasn't happiness. There was (I hate to say it but) a sort of mania. No one would have labeled it as such then. It's more important what was missing. There was a noticeable lack of resting contentment. The world around me was annoyed because I "wouldn't stop". Yes, I suppose there was contentment. But it was only in motion. And so I was either alone or at odds with the world.

And so 50 years later I've been taught act with more intent; I've attempted to move with a bit more caution. And I've built a life where everyone is at arms length; I didn't do it on purpose. And so with everything a bit greyer, slower, and further away. Nothing seems to look, or feel, or taste, or sound as good as it once did. I still think I have control of this; the but the handle is just out of reach. I sometimes think I'm looking at it the wrong way; the glass is really not half full. The glass just half shattered. I don't like it but, things may have to completely fall apart in order to fall back together.

Frame
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Postby Frame » Wed Aug 21, 2013 9:43 pm

It occured to me today, that although I'd like to think I know what happiness is, it doesn't appear I can hold it near. Each day I must feel some of what we call happiness; it's wrapped and muffled in gauze. It occured to me it's the same even more so for hate. That's good right? I guess; except without a functional mechanism of hatred I think perhaps I let the wrong people too close. Something to think about; happiness / hatred, both are part of the human ccondition.

BlueWhovian
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Postby BlueWhovian » Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:10 am

I sometimes just feel empty. Like I'm here seeing, feeling, and living through everything but it's like I'm not feeling it. I'm just in a body but I have no feelings.

I don't remember the last time I smiled because I was happy or laughed and felt good. Mostly just depressed and cry or sit numbly and with a blank look. I get mad easily, feel like there's nothing else there.

I hate it. I want to be happy again.

4EverMe
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Postby 4EverMe » Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:40 am

Hi BlueWhovian,
I know what you mean by feeling empty and just numb all over. It's sort of what I'd consider a catatonic state to feel like- though not as severe as that.

Do you have any talents you could employ to help pass the time? Keep in mind, that we sometimes possess talents we're not even aware of. Consider alternative interests you might have. It could open your mind to new hobbies, where you're not stuck in a vortex of boring familiarity. It's just a thought, an idea. Hope it helps in some meager way!

BlueWhovian
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Postby BlueWhovian » Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:22 am

4EverMe wrote:Hi BlueWhovian,
I know what you mean by feeling empty and just numb all over. It's sort of what I'd consider a catatonic state to feel like- though not as severe as that.

Do you have any talents you could employ to help pass the time? Keep in mind, that we sometimes possess talents we're not even aware of. Consider alternative interests you might have. It could open your mind to new hobbies, where you're not stuck in a vortex of boring familiarity. It's just a thought, an idea. Hope it helps in some meager way!



I used to love to draw all the time but haven't been in the mood :(

Frame
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Postby Frame » Thu Oct 31, 2013 7:49 am

Hi Blue;

I don't know whether to say this. I don't like helpful advice echoing in my head. But I doing think it's important; You have to keep yourself going.
In August I wrote:And so 50 years later I've been taught act with more intent; I've attempted to move witIh a bit more caution. And I've built a life where everyone is at arms length; I didn't do it on purpose. And so with everything a bit greyer, slower, and further away. Nothing seems to look, or feel, or taste, or sound as good as it once did. I still think I have control of this; the but the handle is just out of reach. I sometimes think I'm looking at it the wrong way; the glass is really not half full. The glass is half shattered. I don't like it but, things may have to completely fall apart in order to fall back together.
Two months later, what has changed. It's a little colder, a little darker, my life marches further into crisis. But I force myself to get up. I struggle to do things that seem to make sense, that once gave me pleasure. It makes me so angry sometimes. Why the #*!% is it so hard. But it's not in bed or on the couch where joy lies. Little bits (really almost too little) of joy, and happiness, and insight filter down from my aspirations, like ash from a fire. Kindness, and understanding, and love burst from my efforts, like bubbles in my beer (Ooh beer, there's one now).

It happens so much less for me than for any one else around me. That hurts. It makes me so angry. Why me; it puts me so far behind just to summon the energy. But that's where it comes from. Do you want it? Even a little bit? You have to go out and get it. And besides; there's really nothing on TV. And just outside your door, not too far, there's pie.

I wrote this, Blue, before reading your next post. I thought about deleting it because, in many ways, it missed the point that your in a very tough situation. I don't want to be arrogant or unfeeling and could sound that way.

But I re-read everything and I still think the advice makes sense. Everyone involved needs to get up, watch less TV, go outside, and look for joy in doing something (anything). Happiness takes work, constantly. One thread throughout you postings is letting people know you like comics and games. What else? There has to be more in your life.

The only life you can control in this situation is yours. It may be hard, I know it's hard, but getting up and getting out every day (not forever but) for a while, looking for growth, is essential.

4EverMe
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Postby 4EverMe » Thu Oct 31, 2013 10:55 am

Mmm. Beer...Chocolate Creme Pie...(but not consumed together) This would leave a rather bad taste in the mouth- unless there's beer flavored pie. If not, save the pie for the, 'after beer munchies fiasco.'

BlueWovian, I used to draw a lot too, until writing tear-jerker poems became my most favored hobby.
What about trying to draw things you need to get off your chest...like pictures of past events? Crazy idea, but it could be therapeutic. It's a type of therapy for me, anyway, only I don't draw out events. I write about them? What do you think? Are you a pretty good drawer? Presuming, since you said you loved to draw, you most likely are. :-)

Frame
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Postby Frame » Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:15 am

That's a great idea 4Ever. I think I've gathered Blue, that you are out in the country. Is it safe to walk around?

It may seem silly when we know you need money, and food, and safety, but I know from constant experience that constant stress brings depression and depression makes it difficult to see possibilities. It may not seem like fun right away, many positive things aren't; but how about getting outside any sketching some of what you see? When I make a commitment to doing something like that every day my sight gets a little clearer.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:27 am

Yes, sketching portraits of things outside is a good idea. Maybe even a self-portrait?

It is good to get some sun, though. If you decide to draw portraits of birds, though? Beware...They move too much. Do you own a camera?!

4EverMe
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Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:40 am

Hi BlueWovian,
I reread my post, and it appeared a bit sarcastic. It wasn't intended to be.

Also, if you do have a camera, (even a cellphone for taking pics) now is a great time to take advantage of the opportunity. The colors of fall are glowing all around us. Recently, I've been taking some pretty awesome pics of Autumn scenery. It's really worth the effort, Blue.
If you could draw what you see, and send it to the art gallery on this site, it would be great to see.

BlueWhovian
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Postby BlueWhovian » Thu Oct 31, 2013 12:34 pm

I do like to draw but sometimes I don't feel like I'm that great at drawing because my husband is far better at it, when I draw I feel like it looks like a child drew it. I haven't really wanted to draw lately because he does all the time and the woman. still treats him like $#^% and I'm afraid she'll do the same. I hate going outside here in the. Trailer park, her place is so disgusting and you get trampled by dogs. Not a fan of beer, prefer fruity flavored drinks but I'm not allowed to drink them. I feel like I eat too many sweets so I'll pass on the pie.

-----
Now that I'm not on the phone, I can elaborate. Not trying to make excuses for not going outside, it's just that her yard is disgusting and it makes you not want to go out. I'd help clean it up if I knew she wouldn't get mad that I tried to clean something up like usual. We spend so much time inside cleaning the house that it's dark by the time we're able to go outside. She has 6 dogs inside and 3 big dogs outside. There's dog hair everywhere and they use the bathroom on everything. The big dogs try to follow you or knock you down and many of them have followed people out of the trailer park to the highway and been killed.

If she needs something done, she will either do it and start to make herself wheeze and sound pitiful to get your attention and then when you offer to help she pushes you away. Yet if you get in the middle of something YOU want to do, she will find something for him to do. He doesn't have everything to fix the truck but that doesn't stop her from saying he hasn't done anything to it and talk about him.

I feel like I'm stuck inside all the time. My eyes are irritated and red, hard to breathe and always tired and sore and I swell. I end up eating a lot and I take pills to try to help me lose weight and I feel bad after I eat. I sometimes feel like I have an eating disorder but I don't know.

He spends most of his day drawing, reading stuff on his phone, cooking and helping around the house. He works weekends and she even makes remarks about that. She seems to think that instead of drawing and reading (she's stated before that she hated how her sister would read all the time and not pay anyone any attention) that he should be a servant and do everything while she lays on the bed watching tv. I'm too scared to leave him here and go to the hospital if I need to go. I'm also scared that I'll die here if I don't get things taken care of. If I try to talk to him all I hear is "I'm sorry" and "Well when I can get into school, I'll be getting the money for that and the extra can go towards somewhere to live." and I've heard that "when I get into school" bit for three+ years. The "somewhere for us" was added shortly after I started saying that I was tired of moving around. We've lived 5 places since 2010. Sometimes only a couple of months at each. I sometimes worry that all I can do is threaten him to get his act together.

BlueWhovian
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Postby BlueWhovian » Fri Jul 25, 2014 12:09 pm

Numb is all I have felt for a while now.

We lived in a motel and then got the chance to get our own place. As soon as we move in and start paying towards it, he loses his job and is on unemployment. I know it's not his fault but it scares me. I'm afraid we're going to lose everything. Our house looks so messy but it's mostly clutter. I've no want to clean anything, just want to sleep all the time.

I don't care to play games with my sister online. She and I used to do that all the time but she continues on getting ahead of me when I'm not on. Then I have no desire. Can't get my husband to play games with me, he would rather play what I am not interested in.

I feel like I can't function in real life. I hate leaving my house. I hate dealing with people. I don't want to go to college anymore. Just tired of everything. Feel down and numb all the time.


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