Blowing off steam
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Blowing off steam
Well I guess this is where I go to blow off steam. It seams like no one wants to lesten to me. I get so freaking mad because people around me just won't take the time just to lesten. I feel like if I don't get some of these feelings off my chest I'm going to explode. I don't know what to do. So where do I go from here, because I really don't know how to act with this depression. I have no one to talk to when I need them most. I have no support. My family doesn't understand, they try but don't understand at all. My few friends I have I try really hard to keep it from them I don't want them to know what kind of monsters I really am. I don't want anyone to know. I get so down sometimes I wish I could end it all. I cry all the time because I try really hard to change but change doesn't come. I go right back to my own prison where I lock the door and throw away the key. I know now through this website that I'm not the only one who feels like this. It not normal but I really try to be a better man than I really am and this takes every ounce of energy I have in me to do so. My mind just goes on maximum overdrive and I think about things that I can't change no matter how hard I try. My place of self destruction is dark and cold, no love, no happiness, no relief, so lonely and heart broken. Why do I set around and wish thing were better and more productive. Alot of the time I can't even function because of the pain I'm in and it hurts so much l just don't want to get out of bed. So what do I do. Do I end it with a bullet sandwich or do I just stay in my own prison, and not let anyone else get in. Do I run away to a place no one knows me st all. Vanish without a trace leave my I.D. Behind and just taking the essentials and hitting the woods make myself a hermit and don't go around anyone. One day some hunter would find me all rotten and decayed. Or should I just stay and make myself realize that this is as good as it get, because I have no chance in He*l of getting any better but in all actuality I'm just getting worse. I know that I have a death sentence all ready, I just wonder why I haven't yet. I know that I'm useless, ugly, fat, old, measurable, cold, hurting, hurtful, worthless, and the list goes on. I don't see why my wife is even still with me. I hav put her through so much sh*t, but I can't explain why I do the things that I do. It's like I see myself doing things but I'm on the outside looking in and I can't stop ni matter how I try. So I try to stay to myself and let everything else just pass on by without me doing as little harm as possible. If I see someone I know in a srore I pry that they don't see me an I'll go a different way. I really don't want to hurt anybody. I just want to be me again. Is that to much to ask. It is right now because I'm getting worse instead of getting better. I see my doctor on a regular basis and I take my meds, but it does very little to help. My doctor said I was at the maximum dosage of medicine for a man in my condition. So now what? I guess I'm just waiting for the reaper to come get me, and take me away.
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- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:29 pm
Re: Blowing off steam
I know you feel like sh*t. Depression is a pain. How do you think yourself... that's not who you are. I don't even know you and you replied my post. You can give so much to people, because you gave it to me, your kind heart is still there.
Re: Blowing off steam
I get in a very dark place really quick, and I can't stop it. I just sometimes wish it would stop. I just want to feel like I used to. There a big difference between what I was, and what I am. I don't care for the person I am now. I used to be the jokester of the bunch. The life of a party. I was a very outgoing person. Now I'm nothing like I was it feels like the person I was just slowly melted away. I can't find that guy any where. I lost him somewhere along the way I just turned around and he was gone. I can't get better because I can't feel, I can't love, I can't even provide for my family like I used to. I absolutely can't stand myself and I want the old me back. Maybe one day I will, but right now I don't know which way is up. The day I find myself I will declare a personal holliday. Until I find myself I have to deal with the void in my life. I just want this to be over I don't know how long I going to be able to withstand the pain and the loneliness I feel. It's like I see myself in the mirror and I don't know the stranger staring back at me. I don't know if this is normal with depression the way I'm feeling. I just know this I'm trying to get better and I don't how but I am trying. But it feels like my best isn't good enough. .... I'm afraid it never will be and I'll be like this until the day I die. The war in my head makes Vietnam look like a tea party. I know it was no tea party my dad was there. I really need a seace fire but the war rages on.
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