5 word mantra I say everynight (possibly triggering)

[MadHatter]

In the morning it is dragging myself out of bed. All day it is fake smiles willing myself to eat, forcing small talk out of my mouth. But at night I finally succumb to the hurt and depression and anger. At night I finally press a blade to my wrist and whisper my 5 word mantra, Maybe I should kill myself. And the scary part is every night I come closer to actually doing it.

[CrazyKiss]

I know how u feel. Alot of people on this site has said their depression and anxiety gets worse at night. They can't sleep, relax or snap out of how they are feeling. I can't sleep well at night either. Most of the time it can be worry and negativity but there's others what just can't sleep.

Are u getting any help from your condition? If not then I do recommend that u get some sort of Physiological help. I'm not sure what ur like on a daily basis but it sounds like to me that Psychology might benefit you.

Im not very much of a happy person myself and the last thing I wanna do is pretend that everything is ok. I do think u have to play that part sometime in ur life but u shouldn't have to and the one thing I don't like about some people is they don't wanna hear how ur feeling and dont wanna give u the time of day. Is that how u feel aswell?

I now know it's important to atleast speak to someone you would think will understand and support you. There are people out there who can listen to u. If you can't talk to a friend or family member then talk to a professional. I know you may not feel comfortable talking about it with ur family and u may not have friends.

There's always the option but more importantly u wanna put urself first because ur the one who's stuck in the middle and need the help. It's good that u can reach out on here so keep doing that. Remember that ur not on ur own and I know these feelings will still be there. You really dont have to go through this on ur own.

Please think about it as you deserve a break.

[100footpole]

Hatter,

Are you seeing a therapist? A good therapist will help you to find ways for you not to have to "fake smiles, willing myself to eat, forcing small talk out of my mouth." Yes, there will be times when you need fake that smile, and force that small talk. But, I think a therapist could help you find ways to enjoy little things ... like food.

Keep posting here, let us know something that isn't just absolutely f*g terrible, and then ask yourself ... how can I make that a little better, a little more enjoyable? A therapist could help you with this ... getting out of the dark comes first from detecting where the light is, and communicating helps you start to distinguish which way to turn.

[emily67]

i think nights are the hardest for most of us.

fewer distractions, darker, gives us more time to think about our feelings and thoughts

hugs

[CrazyKiss]

Please try and seek help if u can. Your not on ur own.

Hugs

[Katie]

I know how you feel. I had been doing and saying the same thing for years. Smiling, but not really feeling happy, laughing but feeling empty inside. Alone in a room full of people. I cut, starved myself, pulled my hair... Anything, I could do to get my mind off of what I was thinking about.
I went through the same thing. I went to my doctor and told her what was going on and I was tired of being a shell of a person. She put me on Celexa, I reacted really well to it and that coupled with a therapy visit once a week really turned my life around. I'm not saying that that's the recipe to beat depression, but it's worth a try my friend.