Melancholy

[Mich]

I just got back from my psych appt. Since he is going away, I will not have another one until Nov 3rd. That seems like a lifetime away and a long time for me to cope with self harm urges without having an appt to get me back on track.
I did a lot of hard work today in therapy. I verbalized some things that I had only previously been able to write down. The secy put a big sign up in the hallway telling people not to wait in the hallway near my psychiatrists's door. That made me feel safe for today.
I am filled with a deep melancholy. Thinking and talking about the girl who was abused is very difficult. I still have a rampant desire to hurt that girl. She is a dirty tramp; so dirty that she cannot possibly ever be cleansed. I carry this girl's dirtiness with me and feel that the only way to be rid of it is through destruction. I want her to suffer as I am suffering. She is part of me; always talking to me; always upset that I share so much of our secret.
I want to hide away for the rest of the day. I don't want to see anyone; I don't want to make dinner or make small talk. I just need to isolate. The little girl and I.

[xn728]

that girl needs forgiveness mich ,for being innocent nothing more ,
young and vunerable ,your punishing youself for nothing ,you need to come together and talk ,look at russ ,what he did to me ,i cant remember anger ,all i remember is wanting him not to have gone ,and i did find him
we talked about what had happened ,and now we love each other ,im gonna write a story about russ if i get time ,its amusing ,when i was in the garden today it came to me ,and i laughed ,and cryed a little ,
My daughter was abused when she was little by the school headmaster
and she,s not dirty ,it wasnt her fault ,and its not your fault ,find your girl and talk ,you will have a better future when you are one again
your very brave mich ,and i wont here you deny it ken

[crystalgaze]

Yes, I agree with Ken.... & you can pull through this..... You can....

Mich... Does your husband know what happened to you....?

(You don't have to say here, but it was a thought....)


We might be broken... but the pieces can be fit back together & renewed.... I'm sorry I don't have words to comfort you...

I think I can let the cat out the bag now.... Since you came on the site.... I wanted to try to be especially helpful to you because my middle name is Michelle.... (So yeah.... That's Onika Michelle.... Mich is also a short form...)

Your user name has the 1st four letters of my middle name.... & _elle_ has the last part....

I know... Silly, right?

Well, I'm hoping you will have brighter days soon....

[Mich]

Thank you so much Crystal/Onika and Ken...you have both been so wonderful to me since I joined the forum. I never dreamed I would find such love and support here. It means the world to me.

My name is Michele (thus the moniker Mich).

I should try to hit the sack now. Talk to both of you tomorrow.

[lisalou]

I know that must seem ages away when you are feeling really bad,is there a helpline you could ring if you need to or do you think you could try going back to a support group? i know that where i live there is one specifically for women who were abused. I really really don't want you to keep blaming yourself or tormenting yourself,turn all your anger onto the person who abused you instead because it is entirely their fault. i have a small idea of how it must feel because once when i was sleeping over at a friend's house her brother came into my bed and touched me,i just pretended to be asleep and then hated myself for not standing up for myself,he wasn't even much older than me,i feel i should have said or done something, i just felt stupid and scared instead.... but i know reaaly i shouldnt blame myself and you musn't blame yourself. if the self harm urges continue, wear a rubber band on your wrist and ping it against you when you feel like that,it stings but is harmless,i only take mine off to shower now! i hope today is a better day for you mich

Lisa xxxxxx

[Mich]

Hi Lisa - thank you for your caring words. I am so happy to have found you as a friend on here. I will wear a rubber band and try that to help combat the self harm urges. Thanks for the tip.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))

No tips, or words of wisdom. Just a warm hug sent to you.

Warmie/Jeanie

[Mich]

Warmie/Jeanie - thanks for your warm hug. I really need that this morning.

[lisalou]

I'm really glad to have you as a friend too mich, now get yourself that rubber band!

Lisa x

p.s. ping!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))

Got that rubberband yet?

Warmie/Jeanie

[crystalgaze]

Maybe I might put one on too....

When I get an episode, ping!!!!

(((Mich)))) ((((Warmie)))) ((((Lisa)))) ((((Ken))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( crystalgaze )))))))))))))))))))))

Who knows, it might just help.

Warmie/Jeanie