I am a ghost already (Triggering material)

Everyday life. How was your day?

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PilgrimChild
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Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 9:44 pm

I am a ghost already (Triggering material)

Postby PilgrimChild » Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:41 am

People are killed every day and they want to live. Why why why does He take the lives of people who want to live and not mine when I want nothing more than to die?! At the risk of sounding like a petulant child…it isn’t fair.

I am smothered in darkness, and I can’t breath. I watch the lives that swirl around me as from a great distance or as though they exist in a movie. I self harm in a futile attempt to feel something, anything. I talk, but no one hears.

My mind can focus on very little but thoughts of ending this.

I know I should have hope. The ironic thing: when I went to the doctor today and she put me on a new medication, she said to call if I had thoughts of suicide after starting the medication. I didn’t mention that I have those thoughts every day. She didn’t ask. People don’t want to know, do they. People prefer it if you just say “I’m fine, how are you?” So no one know, no one asks, and I walk and live this living death with the smile pasted across my face.

I am already a ghost.

CrazyLady17

Postby CrazyLady17 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 2:03 am

I agree.
(((Hugs)))

Angel-D.H3044
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Dec 25, 2013 5:15 pm

Postby Angel-D.H3044 » Wed Dec 25, 2013 7:00 pm

Trust me, i feel the same.

bp74
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 9:15 pm

Postby bp74 » Sat Jan 25, 2014 9:21 pm

I am this way exactly. I think it is major depression. it sounds so simple but every day I wake up, I am thinking of a way to end my life. it's exhausting day after day. the older I get, the harder it is to cope. my family is completely sick of me.

Ieris
Posts: 217
Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:36 am
Location: London

Postby Ieris » Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:34 am

Hmm... I often hear people talk about suicide; how they will do it, how they can escape life... Etc. Apart from what they leave behind like loved ones, unpaid debt, problems, i am more interested in what happens after. You talk about "ending this" but what if death isn't the end? How do you know you won't end up in some place worse? Imagine if you do commit suicide and end up miles deeper in eternal darkness... How ironic would that be...

Do people who die naturally go to different places to those who kill themselves? Do we simply rot into the ground or is there heaven and hell?

People don't like to talk about death but it is part of our natural cycle, we will all die some day. Our time will come when it Is time to go, why speed up the process? What's the rush?

I know it is not your intention but it almost feels like you're mocking those who want to live. You say you're already a ghost, but you may have eternity to be a ghost so why not enjoy this short time of being a human for a now while you have the chance?

doloresmaude
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2014 1:56 pm
Location: southwestern ON, Canada

a reply to Ieris

Postby doloresmaude » Tue Jan 28, 2014 2:09 pm

people who feel like they are already living an exhausting nightmare do not care what happens next...we just want the pain and isolation to end

there was no mocking from PilgrimChild...perhaps just jealously...because it would be nice to want to wake up each day and try and live a "normal" life

Frame
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Joined: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:25 am
Location: Pennsylvania

Postby Frame » Tue Jan 28, 2014 4:22 pm

We all try to get by in our own way doloresmaude.

Ieris is using her own experiences and history in attempt to bring about a positive result. Her phrases about mocking my seem harsh, but she is talking about her own feelings and clearly states she understands is not transffering her feelings to Pilgrim Child.

She is not making a personal attack. We do not allow personal attacks, suggestions that people leave the sight, or open judgements about someone's comprehension level.

Most everyone here is battling depression and expression of those feelings run the gamut. I look forward to seeing a positive suggestion or two from you doloresmaude.

siadamia
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2014 9:33 am

((( hugs )))

Postby siadamia » Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:56 am

please dont loose hope.. i feel for u.. ((( Hugs )))

Ieris
Posts: 217
Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:36 am
Location: London

Postby Ieris » Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:14 pm

Thank you Frame ^_^

I don't object or condemn those who commit suicide as I have had those thoughts myself. I had letters written out to those I loved and labelled who can have my stuff. I was very clear with why, how, where and when i want to die, it made me feel in control and I had this belief back then that made me extremely narrow minded. I was 12 when I got taking out of class to attend meetings with psychologists and other pupils. I know I irritated some people by talking about suicide in a casual manner as some had lost their mum and dad through illnesses or accidents. (Now i know how they feel, as i have lost people close to me who desperately wanted to live).

I thought I was smart and had it all figured out but this one old lady said things that made me realise I had not. Guess she made me think about the consequences and question the unknown - what happens after death. I know everyone has different beliefs and may think they go to a better place. I am not religious and was not willing to take the chance/risk of not being reunited with my family after death (if anything exists) due to taking my own life. Truth is I do not know what or if anything happens so I'd rather stick out here a while longer than suffer the consequences which I cannot undo if I went ahead with it.

I'm glad I'm still here, I believe I made a rational choice and thank that old lady a lot. I never think about suicide again and would never put my mum and dad through that pain, or leaving them with guilt of failing me as parents.

Who knows how far the ripples of our decisions goes....

----

(I cannot post links here but here's a paragraph from a website I looked up - PM if you would like the link)

"You may be very clear that you want to die – or you may simply not care if you live or die. However, for most people, suicidal thoughts are confusing. As much as you want to die, you may also want a solution to your difficulties. You may want others to understand how you feel and hope that they can help. Yet, you may not feel able to talk to anyone who offers to help. Having such mixed feelings and being unsure about what to do can cause great anxiety..."

x


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