Feeling lonley cos i'm single [18+ material inc]

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Tcrumpen
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 12:46 pm

Feeling lonley cos i'm single [18+ material inc]

Postby Tcrumpen » Thu Oct 03, 2013 5:54 pm

Ok so as the year has gone on i've managed to battle my depression rather well in most aspects, however there is one elephant in the room that keep cropping it's head up

I feel really lonley cos i'm single and have no-one in a romantic/sexual way, i'm gonna admit that i kinda open minded when it comes to sex (i'm still a virgin however) but having people that can go out and buy lingere and sex toys (something which turns me on a lot) makes me feel really jealous and under appricated, cos here i am a great guy (apart from some flaws we all have) yet i can't seem to land myself a girl, note i'm not doing the whole 'nice guy' thing anymore, nor am i wearing my heart on my sleaves

Practially everyone i know is either in a realationship or is perfectly happy being single, even though i'm in my final year at uni (which is my most important year) i yurn for some intmacy

[This is one of my coping mechanisms]

Frame
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Postby Frame » Thu Oct 03, 2013 7:02 pm

Welcome to the sight Tcrumpen;

I gotta say something you probably won't want to hear. I was in your exact position 28 years ago (except I was a junior). I didn't know then; but I know now, that I was fighting and winning over depression. But I was in no condition to choose a mate. That year, in many ways determined the course of much of my life since. It was a path turning point. And it all had to do with letting a women choose me and then trying to make her happy.

I'm not going to let myself regret the way my life has turned out. But you are at a point where the path you wish to take in your own personal growth and career is truly important. In your loneliness and depression, if you are like I was (still am I suppose) you just might be able to subvert all your priorities for the compassion and tenderness of a female. She will not thank you for it. And your life will be changed.

I think that may sound overly patronizing and alarmist. What I am saying is; if there ever was a time to be selfish ( and I don't generalyl advocate selfishness) it would be in the last years of college when your really not sure what to do but your choices mean a great deal. And I'm not saying stay lonely. I'm just saying depression can make your options a bit foggy, so stay true to yourself, and try to focus your priorities on you. There may be someone with whom you don't have to compromise. Don't jump ship on your dreams just because they are hard to see at times.

Hope that doesn't upset too many people.

Frame
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Postby Frame » Thu Oct 03, 2013 7:05 pm

Oh, and what does material inc. mean? I'm curious because I have degrees in materials engineering.

Also, I recognize that you have come here for support. And I hope we can lend some. Forgive me for speaking forcefully. I have lots of experience trying to make decisions in the fog of depression (I didn't always recognize it). I'm just a little worried about you.

Tcrumpen
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 12:46 pm

Postby Tcrumpen » Fri Oct 04, 2013 3:34 am

Frame wrote:Oh, and what does material inc. mean? I'm curious because I have degrees in materials engineering.

Also, I recognize that you have come here for support. And I hope we can lend some. Forgive me for speaking forcefully. I have lots of experience trying to make decisions in the fog of depression (I didn't always recognize it). I'm just a little worried about you.


Sorry if i spelt it wrong, meant to mean 18+ material included, also thanks i have posted a couple of topic here before one of which in the the arts section (was a letter i wrote)

SMcGregor
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Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:13 am

Postby SMcGregor » Fri Oct 04, 2013 9:26 am

With today’s fast living style, close personal friends are often not highly valued and nurtured but are abandoned in place of social networking and “internet friends”. Keep in mind that all friendships are important and not just those of a romantic nature. As people initially share small things together this can lead to eventually sharing innermost feelings, which of course may take time, but friendships can evolve and be cemented.

Reach out to fellows whether you know them or not.

Regards,

Alaska1958
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm

Postby Alaska1958 » Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:27 pm

Sometimes I'm a bit at odds with Frame, but he makes a good point about finding a mate. I was desperately lonely when I met the woman who would become my wife and I stayedwwith her even when it became more and more obvious that she only really cared about herself. 18 years later on I'm feeling pretty used.

However, let's also note that living with a chronicly depressed man will get really old and can I really blame her for dropping me when I was no longer of use? We did have two wonderful sons. I believe in evolution and I don't think we evolved specifically to be happy rather to be successful enough to reproduce.

So I'm not saying don't look for someone now, just be aware of how it could go. I've tried to warn my boys that both their father and grandfather married out of loneliness and both of us ended up alone when we needed their wives support.

Good luck to you.

Frame
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Location: Pennsylvania

Postby Frame » Sun Oct 06, 2013 8:08 am

I think that's true; evolution never used happiness as a measure of success. If you trust history it seems like a relatively new phenomena. I think the French came up with it; and the guillotine. And maybe my wife used me in an evolutionary sense, though I don't think she sees it that way. It is possible that, in college, saw me as the best change to fulfill her procreative needs in safety and security. She certainly was looking for peace and security. She came from a family of professional yet unstable parents and never had much emotional security.

My point was that we both had deep emotional needs that diverged and were at odds. And thus fairly soon (I should have seen it coming) after we started dating, we were trying to depend on each other emotionally, for things we couldn't provide.
coincidence wrote:[It's fascinating how art imitates life. I, just by chance, chose to watch the movie "Lincoln" last night. It happened to be in the library at the counter. But if you have seen it or know of Lincoln's biography then you can see the parallel here. Lincoln and his wife also had deep emotional needs that the other couldn't provide for. And the story goes that he was a depressive and she was crazy.

But were those emotional holes due to their aliments or were their aliments due to emotional holes? Or are they one in the same?]
And that was not just a formula for a union of eroding rather than deepening trust. It meant we both compromised on our dreams in an attempt to make each other and our selves happy. And in all that compromise and emotional turmoil, we troade paths that fullfiled much less of our potential as human beings.

Perhaps in terms of evolutions individual priorities, it got what it wanted. But in terms of society and human progress evolution lost out. And terms of of our own personal fullfilment, I know we should have seen the signs and looked elsewhere for more compatible mates. But in a state of extreme loneliness it's hard to see that option. It's easy to commit when you feel the hole might be filled. It's hard to separate even when you become relatively certain it's not true.

Frame
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Posts: 1081
Joined: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:25 am
Location: Pennsylvania

Postby Frame » Sun Oct 06, 2013 8:14 am

Oh, and hey Alaska1958; what are we at odds about? I'm not trying to start a fight (maybe an argument would be alright). You don't have to respond. I'm not upset.

But I don't mind being corrected. And if I annoyed you, I'm happy to listen, especially if it would make you feel better or help inform others on the sight.


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