specter's meaning?

[specter]

Hi, I'm new to the forums, but I'm not new to the chat room.

The meaning of the word "specter", for me, ties into my experiences with Dissociative Identity Disorder. On a scale of 1 to 30, my dissociation level is a 28. Depending on how triggered I am, I will experience derealization; this is not an entirely unpleasant sensation, from my perspective, since it causes me to feel as though I've escaped, although prolonged exposure to derealization have made me feel panicky. The main expression of my username "specter" is my experience with depersonalization and the effects that it has had on my inability to relate to people.

I hold the belief that I am unloved. I hold the belief that I am unlovable. I believe these thoughts because, since the earliest of my development, I have had no other choice but to dissociate from an environment that was not safe. That environment to this day is still unsafe. This most-likely plays a large role in my inability to feel/believe that I am a human being. ... I am not convinced that I am an authentic human being.

Depersonalization has convinced me that I am not a real person. What this means is that -- and while I question whether or not my own body belongs to me because, in a sense, it did not while I was in the developmental stages of my life -- the idea of me being a human being is dependent on having a whole persona. The existence of someone having a sense of self is actually incredibly important. The ability to love yourself is crippled if you cannot understand who you are. Unfortunately, I usually experience depersonalization extremely frequently. It has a much worse effect on my life than, say, depression.

There have been times when I have felt the urge to ask people if I am real. ... Wanting to touch someone's arm, look them in the eye, and have them do the same thing right back is what I feel I've needed, but I fear that it would somehow have no effect. Would it change anything? Would it help me in any way and, if it did, would it have any lasting impact? It's the biggest hurdle in my life so far, not depression. It's also the only lens I have seen people thru since I was a child, so it's all I've ever really known.

Self-worth is dependent on self-actualization. Self-actualization is dependent on healthy interaction with non-toxic people.

There are 6 of us, as a multiple. They exist in the form of a high female-to-male ratio, the youngest being (so far) 4 and the oldest being (so far) 19. I feel very protective over them and they feel very protective over me, so I try not to let them socialize with other people. I'm also wary about them coming out to talk to my therapist. We're not "there" yet. That being said, I find it rare and unusual for any of them to "come out" on here and attempt to socialize with anyone, but the only one I could think of who would be tempted to do that would be my little, who is 4, and is excited that she can enjoy doing what the "bigs" do in a "big person" body. Nevertheless, we all try to keep one another safe, and sometimes that has meant certain parts "coming out" when it isn't actually safe for them to do so.

One thing that has gotten me, I think, at least, as far as I have with this mental disorder is the realization that these "pieces" of me split off in the altruistic attempt to save me. That being said, I register that as a form of sacrificial love, and as painful as it is to realize that I have had to part ways with pieces of my own psyche before it had entirely developed, I try to hold onto the intention of why it happened.