Difficult situation with a friend - Any advice?

[Helper25]

Hey everyone. I'm pretty new to this. I don't think I've ever posted on a forum, period, so bear with me. I've been supporting a friend of mine, who I also live with, for almost a year now and I could use some advice/support.

My friend (let's call him Fox. He loves foxes) has suffered from depression and anxiety probably for about the last ten years. He and I only really became close earlier this year and ever since he opened up about it I've been helping him cope. This year was the first time he saw a doctor about it.

For the last 4 months he's been living with myself and my boyfriend. There was meant to be someone else living with us too, but she bailed. Fox is our best friend but living with us has been sort of a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, we're always around to offer support. However, the main trigger for him is relationships and intimacy. He's been single for the last couple of years and the main thing that makes him struggle is the idea that he doesn't have someone and that 'he never will'. Sometimes hanging out the three os us is completely fine. Other times it's, understandably, difficult for him. A couple of months ago he confided in me and told me that it's really difficult for him when he overhears me and my boyfriend having sex. I then realised that this was even on nights that I knew that hadn't happened. He has no history of hallucinations or anything and I suspect he was just hearing something else and jumping to conclusions but all the same it seemed to really be hurting him. I told him that me and my boyfriend would be careful to just do that when he wasn't in the house, so he wouldn't have to worry. I thought that would help but now he just gets majorly low if he knows he'll be out at work and well have the place to ourselves. Just the idea that we might be intimate sends him to a really low place.

It's been hard getting him help. We've had countless hospital visits, consultations etc etc with massive waits in between to wait and see how the antidepressants will work. To put it into perspective, he first saw a GP in July and he was only referred to a psychologist last month. Now there's a waiting list for that. I'm always there for him when he needs me but I don't know how to conquer this problem. I know a psychologist probably has a good grasp of how to handle it, but I have no idea when Fox will even get to see one. All I can say at the moment is that I'm there for him and that he'll get specific treatment soon, that he should keep self-medicating (taking his meds, getting plenty exercise, socialising etc etc) but I often feel completely helpless.

It's a weird situation, but if anyone has any similar experience they can share or any relevant advice then that would be amazing. I feel kind of lost.

[jessicax]

hi,
what your doing and how much your being there for your friend is brilliant especially when you don't suffer from a mental illness yourself.. (sorry if you do)

it can be really hard for people who haven't been through it themselves to understand the complexity of depression or whatever mental illness because they are really f****** complicated.

but anyway, i honestly think what your doing is best and all you can do. there is no fix for this problem and looking for it will just make you feel down on yourself because you can't find one. he needs time, a lot of it believe me. and with you just being there for him is a massive help, even if he can't see it himself at the moment, one day he will.

just remember these low moods and depressing thoughts and actions he is displaying is not him at all - its his depression and speaking from experience no matter how much you try and stop the depression from controlling you, you just can't

so, honestly just stick at what your doing - you can't do anything more and you can't put your life on hold for him because that isn't fair on you and when he is in the right frame of mind, he wouldn't want you to do so either.

good luck, to both of you and you honestly sound like an amazing friend

love, jess xo

[Helper25]

Hi Jess,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Like I said, I've never used a forum like this before and you sort of don't believe anyone will care to reply at first.

It's so great to hear from someone that's been through the same thing that what I'm doing is on the right track. Obviously I want to help as much as I can but it's so difficult when you feel like you're just fumbling in the dark.

When he's in a 'good' place he'll tell me he loves me and that he's grateful for my help, but it means a lot to hear from someone else. I guess on some level I know that he can get better and this will just take a lot of time and patience but it's difficult to remind yourself of that when you're scared and worried for a friend and doubtful of your own ability to help.

Thank you, sincerely, for just reminding me to keep being a friend and being patient and that things can and will change.

love Seonaid x