BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE WITH THE DEPRESSED GIRL I LOVE

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Mauvaise foi
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 8:35 am

BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE WITH THE DEPRESSED GIRL I LOVE

Postby Mauvaise foi » Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:34 am

I could really need some help/thoughts/advices right now, as I am in so much stress.
Sorry for the long post.

I’ve been in a relationship with my ex girlfriend since February 2013. It was great, she even told me I was one of the best things that had happened in her life. In the end of March this year however, we kind of broke up, because of her not feel well due to mental issues. The reasons she gave me at the give were quite vague, but she didn’t even know herself what was going on. She said she still didn’t want to lose me, and we remained in contact. I tried my best to be as understanding as possible, telling her that I will always be there for her. She appreciated it very much, and she still said that I was one of the finest persons she has ever known.

Although, I can be a little needy sometimes, and at some point I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore. For about two months I tried to hide how difficult it really was for me. I would tell her it was difficult, but not in what extent. We saw each other only one time during those two months, which resulted in that the longing and the missing after her was too much for me to take. So when she asked me one day how I was, I told her that I felt worse than I would admit to myself or anyone else. She really cared about me, and during the weekend we talked about it and she really tried to cheer me up.

The following week, I behaved very inconsistent towards her. I was not mean in any way, but I would tell her one day that I could not promise her anything romantically in the future but that my friendship will always be there for her, the next day I apologized and said I would always be there to support her. But then, at the end of the week, when we spoke on the phone, I felt devastated when I heard her voice because I missed her so much. I ended up telling her once again that I couldn’t promise her anything except my friendship right now. And then apologized again the day after. She was very understanding with me, and she told me that my inconsistency was understandable in this situation. She told me she still liked me, but that she was emotionally exhausted at the moment due to her illness.

Everything seemed reasonably fine, until two days after. I made what I right now feel to be the biggest mistake of my life. With nothing but the best of intentions, I ordered some D-vitamins to her over the internet (in her name, as this was the only possible choice). We had spoken before about her illness condition maybe was seasonal defective disorder (SAD), even though she was skeptical. At the moment, I didn’t think it was that harmful, or that big of a deal.

But she became very hurt. She lashed out at me, that she wanted me to never contact her again and other mean things. She thought that she didn’t deserve being disrespected in this way. I panicked. Tried to apologize several times, and wrote her an email trying to explain that I didn’t meant to hurt her. She told me to just leave her alone.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night, and in the morning I wrote her another email apologizing. She still wanted to be left alone, and she told me that she had no idea if she could forgive me.

I drank heavily the following evening, ended up sending her another email. This time a bit more angry, but I still apologized and didn’t say anything mean to her. I wrote that I thought all day on exactly why she became that hurt, and that I didn’t understand it. I asked her if all that I’ve done for her during the latest months meant nothing now due to one mistake?

She tried to call me that evening two times, but I had turned my phone off. She replied to my email instead, saying that she was very hurt and felt very offended by what I had done. She apologized for lashing out at me, but told me that my behavior drained her energy right now.
She needed that energy to focus on her illness instead. She wrote that maybe in the future we could talk to each other again, but that right now she wanted to be left alone. She wished me well, and said that she meant it, even if she still was upset and hurt.

The day after, I replied to her mail. And my reply was ridiculous long. I mean really ridiculous. I apologized once again, and agreed to give her space (although I could have done it in a much more smooth way).

She didn’t answer, of course. I gave her space for three and a half weeks, then I wrote her a message saying:

"Hey. Hope you are taking care of yourself. Wanted to say sorry about all the drama last time. As you surely understood, it was an emotionally difficult time for me. Still terrible conscience about how hurt you must have been due to my lack of understanding and insensitivity. Never wanted to hurt you. Have thought a lot, would appreciate if we could talk it out some day. Respect if you don't want to or don't have the energy right now. I am here. Still cares a lot about you. Look after yourself."

She responded:

“It feels very dicey to hear from you in this way. Did not think it was possible to misunderstand what I wrote in my mail. I do not feel well, and work a lot. Do not feel like talking out. Not now or in the near future. I can get in touch when I’m better possibly, but do not know if I cope to tear more in the wounds. I hope that you are doing well. Take care of yourself.”

I responded:

"I understand. Sorry, wish you the best."

That was now over a week ago.

When she lashed out at me she said she was depressed. I’ve read a lot about depression since then, and I can see now that I’ve done most things totally wrong. I beat myself up for being so uncomprehending.

I guess the best thing to do is to give her the space she needs, but it’s really difficult for me.
I really do want to do what’s best for her at the moment, but at the same time I am really afraid that I might lose her for good.

Can't help still beating myself up over what happened in the past. It's really hard stop overanalyzing every word I've said to her. I know it's destructive and of no use. But it is really difficult not to.

I will try my best to respect her wishes, and not contact her, even though my last message maybe was interpreted wrong by her. I don't know.

This is what I am thinking:

My ex's birthday is coming up in about a month.
I will not contact her during this time, then write her a short and light no-pressure email / short message wishing her happy birthday,
and tell her that I still do care for her.

And then I will leave it up to her if she someday will be interested in any firther contact.

In the meantime I will try my best to focus on myself and my own happiness, as hard as it is though.

Does this sound like a good idea, or not? What to do!?

Mauvaise foi
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 8:35 am

Postby Mauvaise foi » Fri Jul 04, 2014 5:22 am

Someone?

After reading a lot of articles, I can now "see" that the Vit D was not a good idea, even if I had no intentions to harm her.

Plus, too much drama (emotional, pressure, lengthy emails, inconsistency) pushed her away.

I will give her the space she was requested.

However, our last convversation (3 weeks ago) is still somehow messing with my head though, distracting me from moving forward with myself.

I asked her if we could talk about what happened (whops, I know, another mistake).

She said not now, or in the near future. But that she could possible keep in touch when she was better.

I replied:

"I understand. Sorry, wish you the best."

This last sentence is disturbing. I just wanted to reply something short and light.

But afterwards, I realized it sounded more dismissive than I intended.

I just want her to know that I am here, and that I care. But on the other hand I don't want to disrespect her wishes of no contact.

Do I have to worry about this? Does it matter?

I am obsessing over the last sentence, and could really use some calm thoughts about this one.

It really feels like I've messed up to a point beyond what's repairable.

VersatilePessimist
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2014 1:52 am

Postby VersatilePessimist » Fri Sep 05, 2014 1:58 am

I'm sure she won't get mad if you write a SHORT happy birthday email. Then leave it up to her, maybe she's not interested anymore. Let her know if she ever needs a FRIEND she can contact you. But it's important not to make a move or pressure her. I've been in the situation and you think the guy really wants to listen but he's just trying to act like he cares hoping to get in bed with you. So what happened since the last post?

CoronaBorealis
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:21 pm
Location: Macclesfield, Cheshire, UK

Postby CoronaBorealis » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:43 pm

What I have found is when people push me to talk etc, its makes me worse. I need to be left alone to get my head around things, think things through and take me time.

Wish her a happy birthday, nothing extra. Let her come to you when she's ready. Depression isn't something that is controllable and people deal with things in different ways.

Just take your time. Be patient

vicky59
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 7:25 pm
Location: New York State, USA

Postby vicky59 » Thu Mar 05, 2015 3:23 pm

I'll keep this simple.
1. She sounds histrionic. If u don't know what that means, look it up.
2. You sound codependent. If u don't know what that means, look it up.
3. You CANNOT help her. Doesn't mean she doesn't need help, it just can't be from u.
4. The best thing u can do for both of u is run from her, DON'T turn back. Get help for yourself to learn why you would spend so much time and effort in such an unrewarding relationship. If u don't, you will be doomed to repeat the same scenario down the road.


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