dealing with a depressed spouse...

[Scotty204]

get over it is a polite way of saying shut up i'm tired of hearing this. One thing I would do, is sit down and confront her saying "i know you don't believe in depression and have little compassion for it, but this is how I am feeling and if you truely care for me, you will try to find enough sympathy and understanding inside of you to help me because i honestly think our marriage is worth making every effort to hang onto."

I tried sitting down and talking about it and I was told "go see a doctor". I think she can't handle stress of any kind so she washes her hands kinda thing....

[Obayan]

I'm so sorry it's like that for you. I don't know how I would have made it thru without my husband beside me. Well, I guess i'm finding out now, but still... I'm sorry.

[bambi02]

I live with someone who is depressed and sometimes it is hell

[bambi02]

I really need someone to talk to that understands what i go through

[bambi02]

Is there anyone in this chat room going through a spouse with depression

[bambi02]

Why do people who are suffering from depression seem so angry and have so many mood swings

[dd-va]

bambi,
Anger and mood swings are very common along with depression. Try to be patient and understanding, let the person dealing with these issues know that you are there for them and that you want to help. Keep the lines of communications open with them. Take Care!

[Obayan]

My depression often maifests itself in the form of anger. I carry a picture in my pocket at all times of my family. When I get angry, before I speak, I take it out and look at it and ask myself "do I really want to hurt these peope"? It's always no. Even just the act of doing this gives me a minute or two to think before I speak. Sometimes it doesn't work though. I speak before I have a chance to go through the process. And when I do, my daughter will put her arms around me and say "that's the depression talking, what does my mother want to say to me?" It helps so much.

[Toffeeboy0]

Hi bambi

My wife (still married but now separated) suffers from depression and whilst she was never angry in my presence she used to push me away. So much in the end that she said her friends were more important than I was to her hence I had to leave. She knew she was doing this and we had spoke about it previously. She told me that she acted the way she did because she was angry with herself because she couldn't explain what was going on in her head. She knew she was hurting me but couldn't do anything about it and because she loved me it just wound her up even more.

It wasn't just me that she pushed away it was all her family as well. She now lives with these friends and I haven't spoken to her for six months. It takes a lot of patience and understanding but if you love him then it is worth it. Is he getting help with it? My wife never did and that is why it escalated.

I hope you can find a way to support him, I wish that my wife had given me the chance but she chose her friends over all her family for whatever reason and now we must all live with that decision

[hollyann]

(((((((toffeeboy)))))))) (((((((bambi)))))))))))

[EarlDE]

Obayan - I agree withyour post on 30 Jan 2010. The most important one I believe for someone whose spouse has depression is #2. You have to take time for yourself. You have to make sure that you take care of your own physical, spiritual and emotional needs. You have to put yourself first before others. Like our therapist said when you get on an airplance they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others. I have been married 21 years to my wife who suffers from depression an has emotional problems, plus have a 20 year old daughter that has mental health issues and has tried to commit suicide twice. We recently seperated not because of my wife's depression, but because I was always there to support my wife and daughter when they wanted and needed help. I forgot to take care of me and never developed my own support system. I just "ran out of gas" and have resented the fact that I was always there for everybody else but nobody was there for me when I needed picking up.

[Lost Azurite]

aurgh...took too long to type my wall of text, got auto log out before I send my message. =(

ok, long story short, my wife and I ROM'ed last year and we are at the final stage of wedding banquet preparation. She stubbornly felt responsible to both her task, and other people's tasks. She often over helpful and takes up other people's concern as her own and offer all her help despite having her hands full of personal responsibilities.

I noticed sign and symptoms of depression on my wife recently:

1) Unable to enter deep sleep, dreams every single night, remembering them and harp over the dream for the entire day.

2) Talking, laughing and crying in her dreams.

3) Sub-consciously wake up in the middle of the night, sitting up, looking around, yet in a sleeping state.

4) Emotionally charged

5) Felt depressed over minor issues.

6) Felt unappreciated for all the thing she does.

7) Lost of appetite and weight.

This morning I proposed to her to seek professional advice, because despite listening to my advice, she still unable to control herself from "thinking too much".

Luckily, she seems very positive towards my proposal and she too, felt that she need help. Her only concern is on medication.

I would like to hear some advise from you guys, for me as a husband, what can I do to help her (especially at home)? We are a young couple and I am willing to do whatever I can to help her, so that we can build a healthy family.

Thank you.

[hollyann]

You can keep encouraging her to seek treatment, whether its meds or therapy or a combination of both. Try not to get upset with her if it seems like shes closing you out, just do things to remind her you are still there, and that you care. If it seems shes talking to a professional more than you later on, try to be thankful that she is at least talking to someone. Dont think its something you are doing wrong a lot of times people depressed worry about bringing down the ones they love. You being here, and asking questions and trying to get understanding is very good too. So keep up the good work.

hollyann

[Lost Azurite]

Thank you, hollyann.

I respect most of you here who are very tolerant. Perhaps I am not used to this kind of scenarios, many a times I tend to lose my cool. I'm still learning.

[LuisSteven]

Hey Obayan,

Be prepared for rejection. Since depression clouds judgement, your advice and help may not be accepted. Try your best not to get angry or take it personally. It is also best not to try to give advice; it may be well intended but advice always comes from a position of supposed superiority and if you don't really know what they're going through, it's hard to make guesses about what's best for them "in your experience". Stick to the facts, the medical advice, and the things you know that your spouse will respond to. While being supportive of most paths to recovery, do not indulge your spouse's or partner's attempts to resort to substance abuse as a way of feeling better about themselves. While it might work short-term, this will not be of help in the long term and will ultimately be more damaging.