Depressed Boyfreind - How to help?

[Rinner]

Hi All,

I typed up a long thing but it didn't submit. So the tl;dr is that I want to help my depressed boyfriend who has recently admitted to me (through a breakdown) that he is scared and doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to feel crappy all the time anymore.

I want to support him and help him get better but I also have no idea how he feels. So I need advice - How do I support him? Should I try to persuade him to try therapy? How can I get him to start taking steps towards learning how to cope with it?

[CitM]

The fact that he admitted this to you is a big step for him and shows the level of trust he has in you.

I don't know how much he has told you, but I'd gently inquire how long has he been feeling this way? Has he ever seen a therapist or talked with an MD about it. Are his parents a good resource to help? What is his stress levels like. Has he been through a lot of change recently? Does he have a physical condition that's adding to the stress?

I would start taking an inventory of how long this has been going on. What triggered the sudden breakdown recently. How much stress is he under currently. Is this going to be in the long term or short term. And would any of the following help?

A weekend off where you do stuff that maybe anything from sleeping in to doing some stuff out. Doing something physical, nothing big, go to the beach or pool or shoot some hoops. Sometimes just taking a walk is enough. Watch silly movies or videos.

Consider a life coach instead of a therapist. Sometimes they they are better than a therapist. Most life coaches look at what you got and build from there, and don't look at you as 'broken' to start with.

Encourage him to get a good physical. Especially if some of his issues are physical. If there are some things causing chronic pain and fatigue other than depression, that may do more for him than anything else.

Whatever you do, realize that you have now been asked for help. You can do it with a team mindset or 'therapist' mindset. From personal experience, I recommend that team approach.

[Rinner]

The fact that he admitted this to you is a big step for him and shows the level of trust he has in you.

I don't know how much he has told you, but I'd gently inquire how long has he been feeling this way? Has he ever seen a therapist or talked with an MD about it. Are his parents a good resource to help? What is his stress levels like. Has he been through a lot of change recently? Does he have a physical condition that's adding to the stress?

I would start taking an inventory of how long this has been going on. What triggered the sudden breakdown recently. How much stress is he under currently. Is this going to be in the long term or short term. And would any of the following help?

A weekend off where you do stuff that maybe anything from sleeping in to doing some stuff out. Doing something physical, nothing big, go to the beach or pool or shoot some hoops. Sometimes just taking a walk is enough. Watch silly movies or videos.

Consider a life coach instead of a therapist. Sometimes they they are better than a therapist. Most life coaches look at what you got and build from there, and don't look at you as 'broken' to start with.

Encourage him to get a good physical. Especially if some of his issues are physical. If there are some things causing chronic pain and fatigue other than depression, that may do more for him than anything else.

Whatever you do, realize that you have now been asked for help. You can do it with a team mindset or 'therapist' mindset. From personal experience, I recommend that team approach.

Thank you so much for your advice. I have known that he has depression for a few years and he has had it for a long time. (10 years I think!) This is the first time he has let me know how bad it is though. He has never really talked to anyone but me and one of his cousins about it because he feels very uncomfortable.

I think I will try a lot of your recommendations. Thank you!

I am trying very hard to go the Team way and not overstep my boundaries.

[100footpole]

This is a learning place.

It might help for you to post your motivations and thoughts along with your actions, and how your boyfriend reacts.

It might give us on the depressed side of the fence insight into alternative ways of looking at what others are thinking.

One of the themes I've taken from much of my reading on here is that depressed people always seem to put others actions in a bad light, and then blame both themselves and the other person because things don't look cheerful.

When I'm not depressed I think I can intuit why others may do or say the things they do. When I am depressed it feels like everyone and everything is conspiring to make me feel like a ball of dung. After years I know this is not true, but that's not the way things feel. It takes practice to have knowledge overcome feelings.... I'm still working on it.

[Newbie7]

Hi,

I have just joined and posted about my boyfriend.

I too am trying to take the team approach and am struggling at the moment. It is hard to know what to do. I have asked him to communicate with me more and he said he is trying. I have posted a long post about us and what has happened in this past week.

Hoping being in here will help me work it out.

All the best

[Kambaxia]

I have a friend who has been going through a hard time recently. He has had depression for a few years now and has even attempted suicide on more than one occasion, he has also told me that he has a recurring addiction. I dont know what kind of addiction it is because he hasnt told me all the details. I really want to help him but I dont know how, I have asked what I can do and I have tried to help him how I wanted help when I was depressed but it isnt working. He is only really letting this other friend help whom he has been in love with for a couple years now and they even dated for a while. Please help me to come up with ideas of things to try to help my friend feeling better when he seems to reject everything I try.

[Spleefy]

Hi Rinner,

Perhaps you could talk to him about how he is feeling? Why not try asking him questions to get to know how he is feeling and what he is thinking. Just ask him questions and listen to him attentively.

After you have listened to him for a while, then you could ask him if he is comfortable with seeking formal support (such as counselor) to discuss how he is feeling and learn effective coping strategies.

If he does decide to talk to someone, you could offer to go along with him for moral support. If he doesn't feel comfortable with talking to a counselor, don't pressure him. Just encourage him.

Just comfort him, let him know you are there for him. Give him a hug. Tell him you love him and that you will help him through this difficult period. Reassure him that he WILL get through this and that he is not alone—you will get through it together.

Maybe run him a bath and play soothing music. Or perhaps give him a massage.

These suggestions are not so as to “cure” him. They are just things you can do to show him that you love him and you are there for him. It will also help to soothe him and give him reassurance. A bit of pampering may help him to feel better, even if only momentarily. The human touch is very therapeutic in itself.

Please let us know how it goes. We’ll keep brainstorming and finding ways to help your boyfriend, even if just to give you comfort. Because by helping the one doing the caring, it in turn helps the one needing care.

[Prycejosh1987]

Hi All,

I typed up a long thing but it didn't submit. So the tl;dr is that I want to help my depressed boyfriend who has recently admitted to me (through a breakdown) that he is scared and doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to feel crappy all the time anymore.

I want to support him and help him get better but I also have no idea how he feels. So I need advice - How do I support him? Should I try to persuade him to try therapy? How can I get him to start taking steps towards learning how to cope with it?

You should get him to try therapy. If he feels rubbish then he is no self esteem, and also no confidence in himself. You need you love and support him in these times and try to offer him various solutions to these issues, together.