Can I discuss all of my feelings with my depressed partner even if it may sadden them?

[TroubledButLoved]

I have been with my current partner for about seven months now. I learned about a month in that she suffers from depression. I had never dealt with this before but I have been very understanding and like to think I have handled it really well. She has told me that I am the only one who doesn't try to change her and understands what the depression really means for her. I love her so much and I tell her this very often. I have told her I will always be there for her. But this is part of my issue. When my partner is depressed almost every day it becomes hard for me. I feel wrong saying it but I have realized that I need to value my needs just as much as hers. But it still continues. She is in treatment both on a medical level and several therapeutic and psychiatric levels. But what is difficult for me is having to see somebody I love in pain every day and I realized the other day that I am never happy when I talk to her anymore because of how often she suffers. I have begun to accept this as our relationship. And it continues to be sadness. When she is happy it seems far away but the happy moments are few and far between. It has been tearing me up. Not only because of the things she says while experiencing particularly bad episodes and because of the constant worry, fear, and sadness, but I also feel unable to tell them how I feel. In relationships it is vital to discuss feelings. But this is no normal relationship. My question is "Can I tell my partner how the depression affects me and makes me feel?" The hard part is I am afraid this will make her blame her self even though none of it is her fault. I couldn't stand to hurt her but I need to talk about this with someone. And if I can't talk with my partner about anything will it lead to future relationship issues? Should I never tell her how I feel for fear of hurting her more? Should I talk to someone else about how bad it has made me feel? I just need some guidance and maybe someone to tell me what I can and cannot say. I turned to this board for help so anything is appreciated. This is really long but thanks a lot for reading and just maybe put any advice no matter what. Thanks.

[anice_yan]

I think I understand how you feel. Few of my dark episodes with my ex-s are not too far away from what you have described.
I have watched a youtube video about having a friend/family member suffering from mental disorders and how to live with them, and I think that video would help you as well. It's made by a certified therapist so I think it's pretty reliable.
If you want to look it up, please ask me for its web address in the reply.
What I remember from the video is that it is not uncommon for people who are in a situation like yours become very depressed and helpless; it's neither of your faults, but it happens. Talking directly to them about your frustration may trigger their insecurity, so consider it carefully. It is advised that other family members or partners to seek help from therapists so that they can talk about their worries and so on. If possible, couple's therapy is a way to go.

[TroubledButLoved]

Thank you both so much! It really helps to just get some advice. I have considered couple's therapy but I know that doing so would mean I would have to let her know how badly it is affecting me as well. And I just don't want her to think it is her fault and push me away "for my own good." I'm still a little unsure. And it isn't getting easier. But I guess it isn't really supposed to be easy. Anyway, thank you again. Oh and that video link would be nice if you could run it by me. Anything helps!

[anice_yan]

The video I've watched was this:
https://youtu.be/wbDhkxIh-4I

While I was searching for it, I also found this:
https://youtu.be/NRO0-JXuFMY

Hope you find them helpful. Your partner is such a lucky person to have a supportive, loving person like you.
Fighting mental issues is such an exhausting task. It will never be easy, but if you two both fight together, I'm certain she will go through hardships a lot easier.

[Baird1920]

I am in a similar situation to yourself and due to my partners depression I bottle up how I am feeling and never truly say things for fear of making things worse or tipping my partner over the edge.

The major downside to that is that it can end up boiling over and coming out in a more angry tone rather than sitting and talking.

We are going to couples counselling and it does help but I still hold back and find it difficult to say things. It is getting better but I still live with the fear that what I say could come at the wrong time in their mood and it doesn't end well.

Being this way has a massive effect on my mental state and it is why I have signed up to this forum to be able to chat with people in similar situations and also because writing it down here helps get it out of my head and may even get a response from people in similar situations.