The Self Worth of the Depressed Person

[markrzad]

One of the things not mentioned in the description of people who have depression on a previous article (Insights for Parents of a depressed person) is low Self Esteem or Self Worth. As a person who struggles with depression, this is a fight almost every day. The sense of feeling worthless. Unworthy of someone's love or to love someone.

I know I have to be careful as I write this, because if my mind is not in the right place I know I can easily feel unworthy and worthless. It's too easy to get into the mindset of feeling like a loser. I mean come on...I have to be a loser...I couldn't get into university because of my marks in high school. I am divorced from a failed marriage. I have lost my job, not once but twice in six years. I've struggled with depression at a high functioning state for 34 years. It's easy to point at all these things and start to feel bad about one's self. And it may not even have to be that severe for a child to go through depression, because they are much more easily impressed by parents, friends, advertising, television and social media.

Society is hard on kids and I know when I was younger I was like a sponge and just soaked in the environment.

What Not to Say

As someone with depression, one thing that someone once said to me was to "cheer up"!?! I know the person who was saying this and she didn't understand the severity of my depression . Sometimes, people don't know what to say and so they say something that is quite silly just to be able to say something that "may be of value" to you.

When I was going through my separation and divorce someone said to me to "suck it up" and "be a man"!?! Now this person was a long time friend who did know me and my circumstances. Ouch! I'm sure as you are reading this you're saying to yourself, "I can't believe someone said that". Well guess what? They can and they did....in the same conversation. Needless to say, we are no longer friends, but did part on peaceful terms.

I guess people feel like they just have to fill the silence gap...and in depression, there is a lot of silence. So filling it up is more comfortable for the person who doesn't have depression than the one who does. Please, when you talk with someone who has depression, be very mindful of the words you use. They can pierce like a knife into the heart of a person.

One thing I will recommend is that you approach the person with depression with gentleness and a tender heart. What do I mean by that? Like the above, do the opposite of saying "cheer up" or "suck it up". Show your child love and respect their personal space. This is so difficult as I'm sure you want to just reach out and pull them out of their funk. Gentleness and a tender heart is what is needed though....for the person with depression is hard on themselves and their hearts become hard in that "truth".

Christians and the Church

I'm going to say something about the church, not because I want to bash the church, but I believe there is an expectation with following Jesus that you are to be without anxiety, fear and depression. So like a bull in a china shop, some people just try and point you to Jesus and say he will set you free...believing that is all that needs to be done and things will be fixed. Well I am a follower of Jesus...and I do pray and give my feelings, depression and anxiety to Jesus more times in a day than I can count...and it doesn't go away.

A counsellor who is a believer once told me that in the state of depression, a person doesn't feel the presence of God in their lives. And I can attest to that. I don't "feel" God...but I know He is there. I see Him when I read my devotions or hear music coming in over the radio. I see His hand in things all through my depressive state and over the years I've struggled with depression.

What to do and How to Say it

I have received more support from people who are outside the Church than those inside. Why? Because they don't judge or criticize as much as the church does. They take me as I am and who I am. They may not understand what is going on...but they don't hold it against me either.

What am I trying to say...some people judge or criticize...and that is not helpful to a person with depression. Remember it's an illness. Would you say to someone with a cast on their broken arm...just pray and it'll go away? And then tell them to lift that 50lb weight? Of course not. It is the same with the person who has depression. Although you cannot see it, it is as real as the broken arm of another person. It can't just be rationalized, prayed or talked away. It is an illness that needs healing and time, lots and lots of time.

Approach the person with gentleness by using a soft and soothing voice. Not a voice that is frustrated or tired or cranky. If you are feeling those things about your child...that is not the time to talk to them. Wait until you can calmly speak to them. Let your heart be open and tender to theirs. And if you are the parent I think you are and you are still reading this, you likely have a tender heart towards your child already.

Use words that build them up, by saying how good they are at such and such. Or how great they did in so and so. Psychologists say it takes five positive words to overcome one negative word. So fill your child's emotional bank with as many positive words that you can. One because it's true. And two because it will help with your child's mindset. Tell them that they are worthy to be loved, that you love them and they are a beautiful and unique creation from God.


Disclaimer - I have experienced my own depression and anxiety in silence for decades, but am not a professional in the field of mental health. In an effort to help others know what a depressed person is feeling or going through, particularly for those ages 13-30, I write these articles to inform and educate. They should not be used in isolation, but with the help of medical practitioners in the field of mental health.

[Wandering2496]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! I can relate to this post a lot because I'm a highly religious but also very depressed person. Contradictory, yes, so it isn't hard to imagine why it's hard for me to relate to other people. Not a lot of people who have difficulties hanging on to hope can hang on to their faith in God. And as a person with, ironically enough, a high level of self-esteem, it's also difficult for people to sympathize with me when I sometimes don't feel like taking care of myself.

In my religion, we believe that we can achieve eternal life filled with happiness and peace in Heaven if we prove to God that our faith in His protection and love will always be stronger than the pain we feel on earth. It had bothered me at first when I realized that God is basically expecting us to suffer to prove ourselves worthy of His approval. Then I educated myself with the stories in the Bible and---though I can never truly understand God's reasons as a mere human being---eventually got an idea why God would test us this way. God had given Adam and Eve a literal paradise, but they had betrayed Him because they believed that their judgments were better than His. God had sacrificed His own Son so we that can be forgiven for our sins, yet we spit on God and Jesus's sacrifices by continuing to do what's wrong. Realizing this helped me accept why God allows so many bad things to happen to this world. Though it's hard to admit, even risky in a depressed person's mindset, we deserve it.

But God also allows good things to happen to us, which is why, despite what I have and am still going through, I try to do the right thing. I would've taken my life a long time ago. I never liked being alive, and I still want to end it all if I could do so painlessly and without consequence. But I continue to hang on because giving up would make God angry. I'm not just saying this out of reverent fear but also in empathy. I know how horrible it feels to have someone give up on me. I can only imagine how God feels when millions of people around the world lose faith in Him. I have to trust that God will help me through the difficult times, especially when I don't feel like trusting him at all. Difficult? Absolutely. But when I do make it through with God's help--and, honestly, I can never really do anything right without it--God rewards me for my faith. Now, death doesn't seem as appealing to me as it used to. I can't make God happy, which makes me happy, if I'm dead. I'll lay to rest when God decides I will. He knows what's best for me better than I do, after all.

I hope that you don't take this as a personal attack on your beliefs because that is not my intention. I simply hope to share my ideas, just as you have, so we can grow together. I understand how difficult it is to connect with other religious people when we encounter too many who are closed-minded and shallow. It is one of God's commandments to leave the judgments to Him, so I try not to be judgmental. When I encounter those who don't make the same effort and sin anyway, I simply turn the other way and carry on. It's better to be with those who help you become a better person, not a worse one. Things would be a lot simpler if loving God and one's religion is enough to make you a good person. Alas, with many other things, it's not that simple.

So in regards to my depression, I see my mental illness as it is: an illness. It isn't my identity and it most definitely isn't what I stand for. Depression isn't my life; it is my test. And the more I pass this test, the closer I get to the peace I have always wanted.

Thank you again for sharing your ideas! And thank you for reading mine. I hope we continue to keep fighting until the very end.

[markrzad]

I liked when you said...

"So in regards to my depression, I see my mental illness as it is: an illness. It isn't my identity and it most definitely isn't what I stand for. Depression isn't my life; it is my test. And the more I pass this test, the closer I get to the peace I have always wanted."

I have to keep reminding myself that as well...this is an illness. There is me and then there is this depression and anxiety that I have. It is my test in life as well...I wish it were gone...I pray that it be gone. But here am I...and here it is. Do I blame God? No. Do I blame myself? No. It's life and we are all dealt different hands. This is my hand. This is what I have to play with...this is what I have to work through...and live through. I hope it to be one day gone. But if it's not, I want to be able to have a heart of gratitude for it. Thanking God in all things and through all things. It has taught me to be humble. It has taught me how fragile the mind can be. It has taught me to share with others and when they share back, we can be more intimately know and be known.

Thanks for sharing and God bless on your journey of faith and healing as well.