Is he pushing me away or does he not want me anymore?

[Newbie7]

Hi,

I'm new to Forums but am hoping it may help me. So please be gentle.....

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 12 months (this weekend).

He suffers from SADS, and also anxiety. For our first 3 months together everything was as expected in a new relationship and he did tell me about how he gets over the winter months. Although I may not have realised how bad.

We met at a race, and were friends for a year before we got together although not close enough for me to know about his SADS. He is a triathlete and has completed an ironman. A very keen cyclist and swimmer but not a huge fan of running.

When he started to become withdrawn etc I just rolled with it, didn't push him to train as I felt that would make him feel worse and as hard as I was finding it I tried to not let it bother me if he bailed last minute and I made my own plans.

However, over the past 6 weeks I thought we were coming out of the other side of it. I have tried to do more things with him and gently encourage him to get out more.

It has this week come to a head, I never address his moods in a negative way and try to speak to him in a supportive manner as I am a very understanding person.

Thursday last week he had advised me he was having a terrible week at work and had decided he may not go on a long cycle with his friends as part of another friends training for an ironman on the Saturday as he felt he needed a few drinks after a show we had planned to watch with friend on the Friday night (he suffers badly with a hangover). He immediately made plans with me for the sunday. I got a little annoyed although did not show it but asked why he was making plans with me for Sunday and it would be nice if Saturday wasn't a write off as the previous week he had bailed and I find it disappointing if I end up wasting a day too so could he please just let me know.

He responded 'fine' and didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. The following day (when we had plans with our friends for dinner and the show) he sent a message to the group (not me individually) saying he would not be going and when asked if he was not not in the mood he snapped and repeated himself. He then did not speak to me all weekend. I then sent him a long message Sunday evening explaining how I loved him and wanted to support him but I also needed that from him and asked him to communicate with me. Explained I was hurting but was in this for the long haul and there if he needed to talk and that if he didn't want this (our relationship) he needed to let me know as he needs to want it too. He read the message and after a few hours he responded with a message that I have taken (rightly or wrongly) as a break up. He has asked for some space as he doesn't know what he wants and he hasn't been happy lately. He ended the message by saying he wasn't mad and that he just need some space to think about what he wants. I responded by just saying I didn't want to be messaging but had only done it as he had ignored me for 3 days, and we would talk when he is ready.

I am concerned about him but am conscious he has asked me for space.

There is a significant age gap between us but that is not something of my concern. But I his behaviour towards me recently has not been good.

I intend on giving him space but I am unsure whether he is really trying to tell me that he doesn't want the relationship but he is finding it too hard to face up to and in me giving him space it is only prolonging the inevitably of him breaking up with me.

I have managed to have a sit down with my boyfriend and we aired a lot of things out. He seems to think there is no spark anymore but he also brought up a few other things. One being his age. He is worried about when he gets older and he slows down. I have told him that is not his problem to worry about. We had a good chat and he has asked if I can wait for him to sort his head out. I had asked him if he wants to break up as that he is how he was talking but he has said no, he is just wanting to be honest. So I have said I can't wait forever but I will give him some space. He said we are still together and we will stay in touch. Last night we went out as a group and although a little awkward he seemed better today. I saw him this morning and he actually gave me a kiss (a peck) as he left. But today is our anniversary and I'm feeling really low. I asked if he wanted to go to the pub or for a swim (didn't mention our anniversary) but he said no to the pub as he wants to go out cycling and then hasn't responded to the swim. I'm trying to give him space but I am finding it really hard.

there is a couple that we spend a lot of time with and they are his closest friends but have now become mine. I speak to the wife mostly and have had a good chat with her. She seems to think I am doing the right thing but is trying to help us work through it (it was her that suggested we go out as a group last night).

anyone ever been in this position?

i have told him I don't want this to be him prolonging the inevitable but I am also trying to prove to him I'm not going anywhere as I think previous gfs have bailed when he has been ill.

Any advice would be appreciated

TIA

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi Tia, just read your story and I'm sorry to hear what your going through.

Your situation is not an easy one. I do understand what it's like to be in a relationship where your partner is going through a tough time with having a mental illness. It's not easy and can be hard too.

Your partner has asked for some space. How do you feel about that? Were you thinking the same thing?You need to think wether in yourself you are happy with what your partner wants.

It's worth thinking about your feelings too and writing them down. I think it can give you a bit more of an insight to this situation.

Do you have any friends or family to talk to? You mentioned your boyfriends friends. Is there anyone else like family? If not maybe speaking to someone who you don't know can be better for you who won't judge or tell you what to do. What do you think?

At this time I think you should spend time by yourself and enjoy the time you got. Do the things you haven't done in a while. Go out for walks, watch a film, pamper yourself. Anything. Do you have any hobbies or interests? What do you do in your day?

At the moment your doing the right thing as your friend has already said. You can't do anything more then that. It's just about time.

Pleased remember not to blame yourself. I know it feels like its your fault and you could do more but I promise you it's not.

I don't want to be the one to tell you what to do but use this time wisely and make the most of the time you have. Just remember what I said and to talk to someone.

Hope that helps and good luck x

[Newbie7]

Thank you for your reply.

Things have taken a different turn over the weekend. He has been training and seems a fair bit better. Still not quite himself but I think he has certainly realised he was pushing me away. After a good chat I have made sure he knows I don't intend on deserting him. I intend on focusing on myself a lot more and letting him reach out to me a bit so it gives me what I need and makes me feel like he wants me.

I spent the evening with him yesterday and we had a few drinks and have finally booked a holiday that has been on the cards for months, so I think this is progress for him and helping relieve some worries about things.

I intend on speaking to a free council line that my work provide, I am unsure whether my parents would like to hear the difficulty I have with my boyfriend. Not that they won't care or be supportive because they are not like that but in the sense I worry they will just be protective of me as I am a fair bit younger than my boyfriend.

I do have hobbies, I run and enjoy eating healthily and have a German Shepherd who I adore. I have found that I may have lost my mojo with it all though since my boyfriend was ill at Christmas. So I think although after the weekend we seem back on track I need to regain my confidence a bit and relax a little more and let him help himself.

What hobbies do you have? Have you been in a relationship similar?

Thanks again for your message. It was helpful to hear and know that I am not alone.

I am an understanding person so am trying hard but maybe trying too hard. He needs to help himself and I need to take care of myself more......