Dealing with my (ex) partner and her depression

[alan1977]

Good afternoon, i signed up here mostly as an outlet and a hope of some golden answers that i doubt ill find

In January things came to head with my girlfriend, she asked me to move out, due to a culmination of stressful situations.

She was started on treatment for depression in Aug last year, And we thought we were beating it. Slowly we realised that perhaps it was a combination of depression, anxiety and PTSD from the birth of our premature son (now 3 and doing well).

Anyway, she kicked me out in January, shortly after changing her medication (maybe connected) But our relationship picked up, it was amazing.. for a while... then she went quiet, and next thing i knew she was seeing someone else, all very quick.
She then ended that short relationship we got back to talking
Past few weeks we have spent time, have done things with the family and things have been 100% positive as friends only.
The general discussion was that we would get her "level" again with no pressure, which w were doing fine as far as i can tell.
This weekend she decided to cut out her sertraline (zoloft/lustral) to hopefully reduce her anxiety and get past some of the side effects the sertraline was producing.
She is still taking mirtazapine at nights.
Things were going well, we had decent discussion, i was able to visit her and our son, until today.
Chatting this morning and she said perhaps she was feeling the withdrawal effects, we had a positive chat about dealing with it. Then she had to go to a meeting to sort her Debts out.
i left a message wishing her good luck, and to give me a ring afterwards to let me know how it went.

Out of the blue i get a message from her mum saying shes come back anxious, and not to contact her or phone her, shell drop our son of on saturday...

Naturally.. i was really upset by this. i know its a combination of anxiety and withdrawals and a stressful day.
It feels like we have taken a big step forwards only to have it pulled out from under us with very little communication back, i feel helpless, i have to respect her wishes regarding contact. But all i want to do is speak to her and ensure she is ok.

Part of me says, i should be done with the relationship completely...
Part of me knows that only a few weeks ago everything was great between us.
And even this week things were good as friends trying to overcome her problems

I know there's no magical solution... But im sure many of you have dealt this also....

Thanks

[Ieris]

Hello Alan,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I guess some people with depression can be somewhat fickle and indecisive when it comes to relationships. In some way they don't want to be alone, want love and support yet on the other hand they feel guilty and don't want to drag their partners down with them. I believe many actually battle with whether to let go and deal with their problems themselves as they feel selfish for spreading their misery onto those they love and care about. But this is your decision as much as it is hers. I think you are doing the right thing in giving her time and space, but this also gives you the chance to think about whether you really want to be with her. I guess you already know that there will be lots of challenges ahead so you need to decide whether you can deal with them.
Try not to take it too personally if she doesn't get back to you as you know she has had a stressful day. You probably want to be there to help but I believe she will turn to you when she needs it. She has been taking quite a lot of medication so if you think it is withdrawal effects just give it some time to die down.

You have a son together, whether you stay as a couple or not, I believe you will be in each others lives and there is nothing wrong with being good friends. Don't put your life on hold for her as you never know when she will get better or whether she will want to get back together in the future. You can be there to support her as a friend, if things work out then that's great but if not you still need to get on with your own life too.

I hope things work out the way you wish them too. All the best x

[alan1977]

Thank you for the kind words
Unfortunately it turns out the real reason she cut the communication again was due to seeing the other bloke again.
Really upset me as you'd expect. Shed been telling me what a bad situation it was and how it wasn't right....so I feel like I'd been lied to and used
I am now completely out of her life as much as it hurts
I will be there if she approaches me in the future but I won't be making any further effort
Looks like I was a little premature coming on here but I really thought that it was going to be an ongoing situation to get her right again
Thankyou

[Ieris]

Hello Alan,

Sorry to hear how it turned out but in some way I guess you have dodged a bullet. It was unfair how she has treated you and it is probably better that you know this sooner rather than later . Not like you didn't give her a second chance, I think you are dealing with this very well and I hope it doesn't upset you for too long.

When one door closes another one will open, I hope you find someone who appreciates you and treats you well in the future ^_^

Have a lovely weekend x

[alan1977]

Well, I am back
I have been in communication with my ex for a good 10 days now, and i think we may have become closer over the weekend again
So i feel i need to try and work out how i handle her depression again
Since i have spent time with her, i have realized her general mood appears different, she is now only taking mirtazapine.
She has also calmed her drinking right down, she does have a few beers on a weekend but so far she seems to have got that in check.
She has been a very rational and calm in the time i have spent with her.
She claims she has a really bad temper back again, and she feels dead inside. I personally think her temper has been better.
I am trying to play it cool and be there on her terms, and hopefully be supportive as primarily very close friends. In her own words she needs to find herself again.
We have been able to have fun together and take our child out, so so far it has been very rewarding. for both of us. She has appreciated my company and support (there was a situation where she felt very uncomfortable)

Regarding the medication
I am no expert... But i cant help feel that perhaps now she has shifted the alcohol, and has relaxed that she may be better off with some sort of CBT. Anyway, its still too early days for me to voice my opinion without her taking it the wrong way

[LuisSteven]

Hello alan,

It’s hard not to take things personally. It’s even harder to not wonder if you did something to make your loved one depressed. When you’re depressed, you feel this complete and utter inability to be yourself, and it makes it ten times harder when you’re around loved ones; ie. people who know the real “you.” Being with strangers can sometimes be easier for them: they get to put on a show. They get to pretend that they aren’t depressed for a short amount of time. It can really hurt you to see this, and you sometimes wonder if it’s just you causing the depression. But it’s not. If your loved one is acting depressed around you, its a good sign- in a strange way. It means that they love and trust you enough to share this with you. Sometimes they try to hide it- sometimes they’ll push you away. The only thing to do is just be there.