Why I think I'm sad
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2020 5:24 am
I'm pretty sure it started with my first girlfriend at 16 yeah I'm that pathetic. Haha... anyway getting all of the I hate myself and am not sure how I'm still alive besides the MASSIVE amounts of antidepressants/nic/weed. Now that that's out of the way I joined a new school last year and I wanted to reinvent myself because I had basically no friends at my old school. It seemed to work as somone asked ME out a dude. I was overjoyed and genuinely fell head over heels for this person. The first month was probably the best of my life. I'm not sure what happend though. I had my first kiss. My first sort of makeout session. Things were great till they weren't. It all started after we drove around and somewhere in the conversation. I said I couldnt really give a heck about social norms and showed her some typically girly songs I liked. Than things were weird. She wouldn't really talk to me, she wouldn't sit next to me at lunch. Nothing we had good conversations in school I guess. It all came to a head one night when she said she had to tell me something. I told her shoot. And she said she was gay. Honestly it hurt knowing that I still hadn't had a real relationship. I was supportive of it though I stayed with her because my brother had come out and I knew how hard it was. Than she started dating another dude. (She later had sex with one too). This was the moment when I realised the world really didn't care about me and that I didn't want to live in a world where somone could do something like that to me. She also knew that the person I genuinely love most in life is my brother. Which is probably why she decided on that one. Haha I didn't kill myself successfully though I came pretty close a couple times i must admit. But I did get a high dosage of antidepressants and that seemed to help. However I still haven't had a real relationship again and I'm 17 now going on 18. I'm afraid I won't ever find love because of how broken I am inside. I have a pretty good fake facade i must admit. But behind it their is nothing really but a sad little boy who wants love and wants to give love. I also have crazy bad trust issues and have a permanent barrier between anybody I meet now because I never want to be hurt this badly again. I dont know how i can be helped.