An inescapable mindset

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katattack
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:01 pm

An inescapable mindset

Postby katattack » Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:28 pm

I'm living with my partner. We're lying here on either side of the couch, warm, safe, supportive. So, why am I unhappy?

As I lie here, I experience the same sort of fog that has ruled over my life for the past two years. I am in a constant state of dissociation. I am expected to be functioning at full capacity by everyone in my life, and continue to lose relationships because of it. I am afraid to go out and make friends, for the fear that everyone will know. I am completely confused. So, how did all of this happen?

I'm really not sure exactly why it happened. Of course, if we knew the exact cause for our mental maladies, we would have a much better idea of how to fix them. I do remember, however, the weekend it all started.

Away from home for the first time in my young adult life, I was living away at school in Boston. My parents were coming to visit for parents weekend, and they'd be arriving that night. It was a Friday, and their Airbnb was just right around the corner from my dorm. It was a fantastic building, with a rooftop patio, and a spiral staircase. I was amazed! They had left the key for me, so I could go wait for them in the Airbnb. As I walked in the space, I was struck by how beautiful it was. I lie on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the window above me, the night sky a stark black behind the glass. I had invited my emotionally detached boyfriend of the time to come over and spend time with me, but he refused. Lonely and waiting, I sat there.

When my parents arrived, they held their suitcases and my small saxophone case they had brought for me to be able to play while I was at school. It's my fault. I descend the large staircase into the foyer of the building, and I focus on my mother's new, round glasses and I notice a shift in my brain. I'm so excited to see them. "It is so surreal to see you here," I say, meaning it more than any of us can know at this point. I take some bags from them after a round of a few meaningful hugs, and we head up the stairs. We're whispering, because it's nighttime, as I tell them the history of the building. When we get inside the room, I relax and we assume the new strange interaction script of "dutiful daughter, working hard in school," and "wonderful parents who are making it all happen for her." I fall back on my own classic behavior, and offer them a little tour of the place since I know where everything is. I'm excited about the rooftop balcony, so I start to unlock the window.

On my way up the narrow, ~5ft spiral staircase to the roof, I hit the top of my head so hard, my hand shoots up to grasp it in response. I haven't hit my head that hard in...I can't remember how long. They ask if I'm okay, and I say yes. Never one to cause drama.

My dissociation would continue to rise throughout the weekend, feeling like my perception was getting further and further out of my head from that point on. I remember telling my mom "I feel pretty out of it, like something's off," when we started to eat in the cafeteria one day. She suggested maybe I lighten up on the caffeine, and see how I feel. I take her advice. Nothing changes. It continues to worsen.

I'm hospitalized, and they refuse to let me go. They find high levels of opioids in my blood, I'm guessing from Lemon Poppy seed muffins, of which I ate at least once a day from my new favorite coffee shop. After that traumatic night, I continue to have to pay off hundreds of dollars to the hospital for my ambulance ride.

It's been two years, or it will be this October 15th. I still don't know what's happening. I still don't know what's wrong with me.

I did sustain deep and consistent trauma as a child, all throughout my teen years and into my early twenties. I know this has something to do with it.

I just don't know what to do.

I've started therapy. My therapist says that we can fix it.

I'm hopeful, yet hopeless. I think about dying everyday. I feel like I can't escape this. I know there are people out there like me. I just don't know how to continue living like this in the meantime.

HauntedMountain
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:50 pm

Re: An inescapable mindset

Postby HauntedMountain » Tue Sep 17, 2019 5:26 pm

hi Kat,
i'm glad you've started therapy--professional help is very important (full disclosure i have to keep relearning that). if your therapist says you can fix it, i believe you can.
beïng in a sort ov fog and functioning at less than full capacity is something i struggle with too. i wish i could say i've discovered some magic formula, but as far as i can tell you just have to do as much as you can with the mental and emotional resources you have. it sucks sometimes, but it's a lot better to be striving for something than not to be, you know?

MrYL
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jul 20, 2019 5:09 am

Re: An inescapable mindset

Postby MrYL » Tue Sep 17, 2019 7:27 pm

Hi Kat,

Thank you for reaching out and telling us your story. I also think it is great that you've started getting professional help; if your therapist says you can fix it, don't give up.

Have the doctors checked for signs of a concussion after you hit your head? There are many long term health issues that we are only recently finding out. One study I found said that after concussions some moods or psychosocial concerns can get worse in the long run. This might explain why you felt like you continued to deteriorate over time.

As you said, the consistent trauma could be a big part of it as well, continuing to talk with your therapist can help you deal with your experiences in a healthy way.

I wish you luck on your road to recovery and hope you overcome your current troubles.


P.s. the study talked about children and adolescents, but it might be the same even though you were older.

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: An inescapable mindset

Postby Spleefy » Wed Sep 18, 2019 6:08 am

Hi Kat,

I enjoyed reading your post—it was kind of like reading a chapter from a biography book.

It can often feel like there is no escape or light at the end of the tunnel. It is a dreadful feeling, so the thought of not existing or dying is only natural. It can often times feel like death is the only way out of the misery.

The trauma you experienced earlier in your life most likely has something to do with it.

I’m not sure what type of trauma you experienced as a child. But reflecting on my own childhood and upbringing, I wish people would put themselves in a good position before they even consider raising children.

People can be so selfish and not realize how critical it is for children to grow up in a strong, loving and stable environment with good values in place for them to make their own. While my upbringing plain sucked, it could have been worse. I just wish I grew up in a more stable, loving and supportive environment instead of the one I was born into.

My upbringing most definitely crushed my spirit, that's for sure.

But, you can definitely overcome the trauma’s of the past—I’m living proof of that. I’m not the man I know I could have been (not yet!) had I been raised properly. But I am definitely a better person than my parents could ever hope to be. This is because I stopped letting my past hold me back, to rise above it. It is a work in progress. I've had to undo all the damage and toxic programming that was done to me over the years both by other people and myself and recreate myself using God as my mentor and guidance.

You can overcome your dissociation, past traumas, and the issues you are struggling with now. Just keep holding onto hope and believe in yourself.

Therapy can be useful. Just give it time and see how things go with your therapist.

You may even find comfort, strength, and guidance by praying to our loving creator.

Keep strong. Things will look up.

Bella_Lee
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:16 pm

Re: An inescapable mindset

Postby Bella_Lee » Fri Sep 20, 2019 5:11 am

Hi Kat, I wish I could give you hug and be able to tell you to please stay hopeful and do not give up. You sound like an amazing person who has gone through so much and my heart goes out to you. I think you've found a good therapist and I encourage you to keep going for therapy. I pray that there will be light at the end of this tunnel for you and the near future will bring you healing, strength, peace and much joy. Your life is precious and you can overcome by God's grace.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: An inescapable mindset

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sat Jun 06, 2020 4:28 am

katattack wrote:I'm living with my partner. We're lying here on either side of the couch, warm, safe, supportive. So, why am I unhappy?

As I lie here, I experience the same sort of fog that has ruled over my life for the past two years. I am in a constant state of dissociation. I am expected to be functioning at full capacity by everyone in my life, and continue to lose relationships because of it. I am afraid to go out and make friends, for the fear that everyone will know. I am completely confused. So, how did all of this happen?

I'm really not sure exactly why it happened. Of course, if we knew the exact cause for our mental maladies, we would have a much better idea of how to fix them. I do remember, however, the weekend it all started.

Away from home for the first time in my young adult life, I was living away at school in Boston. My parents were coming to visit for parents weekend, and they'd be arriving that night. It was a Friday, and their Airbnb was just right around the corner from my dorm. It was a fantastic building, with a rooftop patio, and a spiral staircase. I was amazed! They had left the key for me, so I could go wait for them in the Airbnb. As I walked in the space, I was struck by how beautiful it was. I lie on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the window above me, the night sky a stark black behind the glass. I had invited my emotionally detached boyfriend of the time to come over and spend time with me, but he refused. Lonely and waiting, I sat there.

When my parents arrived, they held their suitcases and my small saxophone case they had brought for me to be able to play while I was at school. It's my fault. I descend the large staircase into the foyer of the building, and I focus on my mother's new, round glasses and I notice a shift in my brain. I'm so excited to see them. "It is so surreal to see you here," I say, meaning it more than any of us can know at this point. I take some bags from them after a round of a few meaningful hugs, and we head up the stairs. We're whispering, because it's nighttime, as I tell them the history of the building. When we get inside the room, I relax and we assume the new strange interaction script of "dutiful daughter, working hard in school," and "wonderful parents who are making it all happen for her." I fall back on my own classic behavior, and offer them a little tour of the place since I know where everything is. I'm excited about the rooftop balcony, so I start to unlock the window.

On my way up the narrow, ~5ft spiral staircase to the roof, I hit the top of my head so hard, my hand shoots up to grasp it in response. I haven't hit my head that hard in...I can't remember how long. They ask if I'm okay, and I say yes. Never one to cause drama.

My dissociation would continue to rise throughout the weekend, feeling like my perception was getting further and further out of my head from that point on. I remember telling my mom "I feel pretty out of it, like something's off," when we started to eat in the cafeteria one day. She suggested maybe I lighten up on the caffeine, and see how I feel. I take her advice. Nothing changes. It continues to worsen.

I'm hospitalized, and they refuse to let me go. They find high levels of opioids in my blood, I'm guessing from Lemon Poppy seed muffins, of which I ate at least once a day from my new favorite coffee shop. After that traumatic night, I continue to have to pay off hundreds of dollars to the hospital for my ambulance ride.

It's been two years, or it will be this October 15th. I still don't know what's happening. I still don't know what's wrong with me.

I did sustain deep and consistent trauma as a child, all throughout my teen years and into my early twenties. I know this has something to do with it.

I just don't know what to do.

I've started therapy. My therapist says that we can fix it.

I'm hopeful, yet hopeless. I think about dying everyday. I feel like I can't escape this. I know there are people out there like me. I just don't know how to continue living like this in the meantime.

Have faith in your therapist. Take it from there.


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